Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year!!!

Whoa my last post for this year I cant believe it a full 365 days have passed :). Life has certainly changed much in the past few years and this year was no different. It certainly had its own share of crests and troughs and I thought what better way to end your posts than to write about how the year has been. Soon 2007 will be history and the sun will rise on 2008. As ever I welcome it with open hands and while circumstances would want me not to believe, I still have hope 2008 will be great year :)

So here goes

January: Lost a friend, had to face a rotting relation the scars of which I still bear. Cant believe we are miles apart

The good side: I knew in a couple of months, I will be far far away from home, right out there across the seven seas

February: Losing out a promotion I deserved because I won’t molly cuddle the decision makers. What made it worse was I was anything but servile and quite vocal about disapproving what I thought was dumb with suitable reasons of course..

The good side: I received my 4th Outstanding Performance award from my company, working for whom is still and will always remain a matter of pride for me

March: My sister relocated with the kids. I had a hard time trying to be happy since I knew the next time I see my sweet hearts they will no longer be the pint sized bunnies I would carry around

The good side: I packed my bags. My journey to the promised land was just round the corner

April: I resigned from my company. I had issues with the way things were and I thought it was just right to move when you are needed the most.

The good side: A couple of my managers gave me an open ended offer to return whenever I wanted. The cute little girl in office confessed she had a crush on me lol

May: Back to bachelor life. I was preparing myself to be alone for a loooooong time.

The good side: It was hard but each day was worth it.

June: Had to sell off my baby my bike. It had served me well and I on my part had cared for it every bit. All said, I couldn’t stand there to see it being taken away and turned away soon enough.

The good side: I got a good price for it. I had an unofficial interview when the gals dad landed home to talk to me and I got a very good idea on what to expect for future interviews !!!

July: Kissed my home good bye. My birds had long gone and my nest had to be given up

The good side: I patched up with people I never thought I would go back to.

August: Kissed my adopted home good bye. It was time to get back to my hometown and my folks my last few days of living life king size. Quite memorable month since it also was my first and last time I got drunk and threw up

The good side: Got pampered like hell. Did everything I could possibly think off, told people who matter to me the most how much I love them, set out on an adventure and hugged everyone who mattered to me a lot

September: Hard hard times. Mental torture was immense and so was the pressure

The good side: I finally got a chance to prove myself and I shined. Relocation was right around the corner

October: Tight finances, tighter schedules and tighter surroundings.

The good side: The scorpion spirit reigned supreme. Did well, got things done and shone. Finally got settled in sunny California

November: I crossed another milestone also known as birthday by most. My 5th away from my dear ones and being alone. The mood was somber and so was the day…

The good side: My expedition was about to begin and I was gearing myself for it

December: Met L at Las Vegas while on a holiday. Cant forget the relaxed and happy look on the face, if there were any reminders of poor old me, it was quite dutifully forgotten I guess. Lost A and in the process the fragile outer structure I was made off. Still am bearing the scars of how quickly things fall apart when time is not on your side

The good side: I gave up. I realize he has a way of making things happen and I on my side have the responsibility of trying my best. Both are doing their job in their own ways so let time take its stride and decide for itself who wins and at what stage.

The most amazing coincidence being start of 2007 was on a bad note and so was the end and BOTH were for somewhat similar reasons :)

So there you go an event filled year, where I gained something I lost something. Nevertheless life moves on and so did I (actually I am making myself believe that). I can beat myself to death things about the things I have lost this year but having said so I believe I am fine because for every stumble and every failure I had to face, I did have something to look back and smile upon.

Truth is I chase so many things in life some within reach and some beyond that I at times end up screwing things up. Rather than berate myself I should focus on making myself stronger and I intend to do that. These things require time and patience, 2 things that I wasn’t even aware off and its time I learn my lesson and move on.

Move on I did because if there is something that really gets to me, it’s the familiarity of things. I like to stay competitive and I like to see things differently and experience a difference. I am not sure how successful I would be in life and how many more failures, disappointments I would face in life. But having said that its time I grow up and take things in my stride like I used to when I was young ( yeah, I feel quite old of lately!!!)

So lets see staying focused is what I plan to do which means no more cribbing except on the blog (the anonymity helps :) ) and yes please welcome Xander !!! my new partner in crime who will crib and wave and rant and write nonsense just like me on the blog …

For all my friends (bloggies and otherwise), enemies and visitors how has 2007 been for you???

Wish you all a happy and prosperous NEW YEAR!!!

Friday, December 21, 2007

An affair to remember !!!

A large airy bedroom, well ventilated, neat and tidy kitchen and living room and in a distance the pacific shoreline. Hell it made sense you know, this is the kinda place everyone needs and if its within walk able distance from office a mere 2.2 miles then nothing like it.

Even though walking across the free way wasn’t allowed meaning I need to walk another 10 more minutes, I was fine with it. So I made an appointment with the owner to meet him and to pay the deposit and move in to my new apartment, that I was supposed to co share with him.

On the appointed day I landed up to meet the owner, I was surprised that it was someone else and not the person mentioned in the ad, but hey never mind, lets talk business here. So we chatted for a while , talked about work, stuff etc and then

O: so what do you do during weekend?

Me: I divide my time between volunteering, driving classes and the library

O: Awww man that’s sweet of you, you keep the whole Sunday for your partner ?

Me: I am not married and I don’t have a girl friend either. Don’t think I would have one either ( smiled…)

O: Aah well no one cares about women these days my brother, this is SFO, you don’t need a f%^^#@$ Latina to satisfy your urges….

Me: Yeah ok !!!

O: So you and your mate hang out in which lounge?? I am sure we can all get together or better still if you are tired of hanging on to him, chuck him I know lotsa boys you would end up loving…

Me: (I spoke in english you bozo, but then didn’t want to sound rude) No thanks, I think I am fine being single for the time being

O: Ohh yeah I get your point ( pummels me with his tattoed iron fist) . You Indians are a smarter lot, no wonder you guys make so much money. I like your idea of a no strings attached, maybe I should try it once too

Me: Huhh… yeah .. smilezzz ( whatever that’s supposed to mean)

O: On second thoughts maybe you might wanna come with me to the tavern, it’s the biggest one out here, and after a few rounds of drinks lets go over to Daddy’s, they have an underwear party every Monday night…

Me: No thanks, I need to rush, can you please sign the lease papers so that I may leave.

At that point of time, the guy walks in, Mr O rushes out to molly cuddle him and looks at me winks and says “Be right back, my baby here needs some love” Feel at home, I will be back…

I cursed the new arrival, what a time to pop in grrr. He looked every inch a man, but seriously I thought there was something womanly about him too. I looked around, Mr. O's living room looked more like a gay bar, I could see pictures of Ricky martin with lip stick marks, a photo of his with another guy and then finally the bigger picture “He and the guy who just walked in looking very womanly in a definitely “made for each other pose”. And then reality dawned on me... this is SFO, this really is SFO.... …..

Last thing I did was bang the door shut and dart down the sidewalk running the full 1.4 miles to office. It wasn’t till I reached familiar surroundings that I stopped breathless

Now I understood what the supposedly night life in SFO was all about …..

Thank my stars I escaped as for the rest who didn’t get my point, read between the lines and it will be clear…

Still don’t get it type “daddys underwear party san Francisco” and you will see the real picture…

So much for night life in SFO …..

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Driving adventures !!!

I never thought I would be able to do that. Well I know it’s not impossible as every one said so yet I was quite nervous you see. But then I still have the biker genes in me which mandates flirting with adventure at each venture and so here we go, 2 classes down and I am already able to handle a car !!!

No big deal for most but considering the fact that I never drove my entire life, it was an exhilarating feeling honestly. Now if I can just get the shutter mouth of my asian instructor to shut up, I can concentrate on getting that curve right. He has this funny laughter and broken English which gets me more confused than understood at times. And you know what he wants to know about, while driving ? Hell he talks about tech stocks as if I am some kinda financial wizard or at best his personal financial advisor. PP would love that role but then what to do, he already has a license and he is way too far off in MN to be ever in the picture :).

So here we go, left turn, right turn, free way lane change, stop and go, night driving etc etc and whether its morning or night I am silently observing how the traffic moves as I walk to office, trying to observe what I would do if I was in the nth position at left/right /middle lane etc etc. Hell its sure fun, as I silently maneuver my invisible car from those traffic tight spots. No wonder these days I walk a lot more than the 40 minutes I used to take to walk to office previously.

As for misadventures, well I missed one signal the first day, took a right turn and almost went over the kerb, tried to put the hand brake before stopping the car and almost went over the guard rail once, all that in the course of one day. As I hopped out of the car I could almost sense the instructor let out a held breath, and the color returning to his cheeks. Too bad, I didn’t trouble him much from day 2 onwards, I did everything right :)

While I am indeed happy, my thoughts go out to A, who’s sitting across the seven seas making me dive into this adventure while they are oblivious to it…..

Well at least I have something to yapp about post January !!!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Ironic !!!

What ??? You actually did that? It seemed more like an interrogation than anything else, suddenly the conversation had boiled down to “how could you do this kinda thing?” questions.

I surrendered meekly, didn’t have a choice, the more I think of it, the more worse it gets. I can’t get anyone and I mean any one to understand the gravity of taking such a stance. It has got nothing to do with stature here, just that I was and still am a lot more flexible than I thought I was and suddenly it’s the flexibility that has become a thorn in the eye for most of them, if not all.

Fortunately it stopped not because I made my position understood, but rather it was because they didn’t want to offend me any more than what I had already gone through. You see that’s the kinda reaction I get from them all. I really don’t care much about being judged on account of my actions because I know they will fry my brains in oil but tune me up all right and I just love them for that.

So apart from half guided sarcasm like “whatever - I have no patience with this martyrdom S####”, I got what I had wanted and that was the peace of mind you get when you take a stance and are afraid that you would be misjudged for it in the end.

And yep I am happy and yet you know what how the turn of events make me feel “Ironic”

Watch the video here and read the lyrics here

(read the lyrics as you listen to song to get to the gist of it. The relevant paragraphs are highlighted :-) )

Friday, December 14, 2007

The aftermath !!!

Just when the brouhaha over my last escapade was about to die down does come up a new issue. I was wondering how the ominous signs I tend to see didn’t pick it out.

Hell you know what, I can read palms, no kidding, I really can and I learnt it not to hold the fair sex hands ( gosh I cant believe I actually said that. I thought that trick failed after the 80’s) but initially as a matter of intrigue and later on to add to the scorpion curiosity, which entails knowing everything about your opponent and giving out nothing about yourself.

So here I am. As if one wasn’t enough, dear god is planning to test me once again, by steering my already leaky boat towards choppy waters. What strikes me more is the absolute planning behind this? I mean it couldn’t have come at an appropriate time.

Here I am all ready to settle down to my peaceful life in a foreign territory and he rewards me with a cheapo plaque as a performance award and a horridly mess in terms of a bigger heartache. Now to seal the effect he sends me another gift the likes of which I have never imagined.

Sometimes I feel, I was born a test bed. I keep wondering how he loves me so much that everyone of his “test plans” are run with me as its test bed. Just when I gather enough courage and patience to face another day, he send me another.

Now if it wasn’t enough that I am numb with fear till judgment day early January, he ensures that I will spend my Christmas and new year worried sick on how to keep a bold face and not let others see through the façade.

I would rather don a mask then let them see me in a different perspective you see they matter so much to me, that if not for me, for their sake, I just grind my teeth and bear it all. Every gloomy night is followed by morning and one day it may just dawn for me.

But just when I feel I have figured out what life is….someone just comes in and changes it all… just as I and guessed, he is hell bent on defeating me each day !!!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Be happy Be free !!!

So putting aside such theories and ill feelings over what transpired, I got my first award from this company today. It made a huge difference because this award was for someone who made me what I am today. I agree my parents made the supreme sacrifice but had it not been for him, I would have never stayed afloat after the initial set backs I faced. And for all the joy I had, somewhere I felt something missing.

As I stepped out to the breezy California weather, I tossed the plaque into the bay. I watched it bop up and down before it was finally pulled into the estuary. For now the certificate would suffice….

By this time tomorrow the distance that exists between us could be read at units of thousand miles. Not that it would make any difference, I tried my best to understand what the situation is like and I am pretty confident, I have understood more than what was expected in the first place

Doesn’t matter as far as my intuition goes, the decision has already been taken and this time gap that is being asked for is just to reinforce the initial decision. It hurts but having said that no matter where in life I am and at what step it may be, sometimes I just wish I had this time machine to go back in time….

And then I sat down to write. Probably the last time I am talking about the issue. Things those are too sensitive to be put on a blog. I already have someone who talks to me as if they know every inch of my body on account of my blog. Dreams I had, desires I kept locked for many years. It’s an odd feeling getting lost not once but twice and both ways in a similar manner. I tried to learn from either of them but my judgment failed me.

It was difficult for me to isolate who was the greater fool? me or the better sense in me, which still believes that being honest and upright would still get plausible results if not anything. When fact is however insecure you are, all you need is someone who remains strong at that moment to see you through.

So I know the call may never come through. Even if it does it’s a formality. I can see the distance and as much as I want to hold on I know I won’t. And so I set it free, knowing fully well it won’t come back, yet hoping pretty much the same.

Judgment day is in the first week of January and as much I like to be positive, I can see ominous signs, signs that tell me how the jury verdict would be ….

For now .... Be happy Be free !!!

Sunday, December 09, 2007

They said !!! I Say !!!

They say

  • Looks don’t matter

I say

It does, no one likes to be stuck with a bewolf. The bull shit about inner beauty was never true in the real sense. It is always compensated by something as an add-on: a buy 1 get 1 free mentality.

They say

  • I am looking for someone who’s caring and understanding

I say

Caring is seen in action and understanding via character

They say

  • I should be able to talk freely to the person

I say

Whatever they say should be taken as the gospel, any deviation is seen as an abhorrent

They say

  • I don’t know I need to think

I say

You have made up your mind, all you need is someone to ratify your decision and say “Go ahead and do it”

They say

  • I am not sure what I want

I say

You definitely know what you want. But you are trying to fit the square box into the round hole or vice versa. You just are not ready to put an effort that a relation should be a part off

They say

  • You look different, you are photogenic

I say

Photography and personal self are never the same. What it means is photographs of you are better.

They say

  • "Horror"scope should match

I say

I have faith and I believe in god and not such mundane stuff. I cant live my life as per it, and I prefer a more practical reason.

They say

  • At 28 my options are limited

I say

Age is a non essential number. I am not talking about eternal youth, but there is a certain grace about growing old together

So it’s not about personal space neither is it about time. It’s about putting an effort, and believing in it. Unfortunately most of us don’t come anywhere close to making it leave alone surviving long enough to see the end we expect.

Enough said and done let me not contribute to the unhappiness by going back to my 10 days of fame

There are... things which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and every decent man has a number of such things stored away in his mind.

So much for eternal happiness. For me my phase has just begun, here's one more to the list….

Friday, December 07, 2007

It's a good thing !!!

I learnt a lesson and I learnt it the hard way. I can wave and rant and go on but I choose to write down the good part about it so here goes …

Its a good thing

  • To be hurt at times: You remember the feeling for a long time to come

  • To be positive: As at a cross road you meet someone who warms up at your smile

  • To be strong: Because you need it to carry things that other people trust you with

  • To be grounded: Because you may win this time, you may want to next time but you possibly may not win each time

  • To play with kids: Soon you realize you have a lot more in common with them.

  • To be understanding: The sooner you realize there was a reason the faster you know the control was not in your hands

  • To be supportive: As sometimes your mere presence can work wonders for their self confidence

  • To be flexible: For everyone will at some point of time demand your time

  • To look into their eyes: Then those myriad pools can no longer hold on to their murky colors.


  • It’s good to lend a hand: because that’s the power of human touch. Everyone needs it at some point of time….

Thursday, December 06, 2007

A Question !!!

A Question !!

what hurts more ?

  • the knowledge that you were taken for a ride since the start and yet you acted along?
  • the castles you built were made of sand and all that was needed was just a dying wave to break them?
  • that sometimes no matter how genuine you are some still stick to their initial judgment ?
  • that by not containing your excitement, you have actually hurt more people than making them happy?
  • that no matter how happy or confident you may be, there still would be issues that break apart your inner self?
  • that just when you comment "I am happy because..." Grief comes and knocks on your door?
  • that no matter how hard you try, you still lose and lose again and again and again for no fault of yours....

Is it just stupidity or is it just that I am a moron who gets into such mess each time? And what am I supposed to do now ? wallow in this sleazy self pithy filth or face the facts and move on?

I really want to and eventually I will but fact remains that in a foreign land and all by myself, I just end up cursing the day I ventured out on this adventure.

If i could ever get myself out of this hyper-helpless-self-pithy mode I will prove to be just worth so much more for a change.

But from where I stand right now, a respite seems to be so far away !!!