A Question: What Hurts More?

what hurts more?

• the feeling of being completely at sea or lost battle(s)?

• the pain of having to bear insult to injury or watching yourself be pounded by non descript personalities?

• the coldness in the murkier atmosphere you live in or the silent tears in the eyes of people you love?

• the feeling of helplessness you get every morning when you wake up or doing your best and finding the brick wall staring right at your face?

• the smile you give through chapped lips or the sting you get when you realise your prayers are still unanswered?

• The realization that for most people you ARE just an option in their life or the fact that right now most doors you could possibly knock on are permanently shut on your face?

Call me a loser or a friggin phobic just that sometimes I wake up and wish I never really woke up.

I have been feeling the same for the past month or so and from where I stand, a respite seems so far away……..

Lessons in Life !!!

I waited for things to go my way. Needles to say I am still waiting for some of them to happen, but I haven’t given up hope. It pains me when I think about them but then what’s life when you don’t have an impossible dream?

Coming to the point, I have cleared the first quarter of my life and as things are as of today (never mind the cholesterol, broken ribs and knee and high stress level that a routine check up indicated), I guess I would be around for another 2 quarters at least. Hardly a time to talk about, lessons in life but nevertheless that’s the intention of this post. To talk about my lessons in life, so here goes …..

• Be loyal to yourself, your career and to people around you.

When you do the rewards will be double, it may not come when you expect it, but come it will. The reward for the patience and the “do good” attitude will surprise you soon.

As I go through some real tough times, I have enough people who tend to prop me up rather than let me just rot……

I knew my loyalty is being rewarded……

• Understand the skills and ability that set you apart. Never forget to use them when ever you get a chance.

Of course that doesn’t mean that if flattery is your forte you just keep doing that and nothing else. Everything works best in moderation, when, how and where to take a call on how much is enough is a self learning exercise. Don’t expect anyone to teach you that.

I try to contribute towards many causes and with passage of time I intend to cement my contributions to transmute them into achievements.

• Assume no one can/will keep a secret

“As they say lend everyone thy ear but few thy voice”.

• Give when it counts

Sometimes being unselfish is the best. Be bold enough to face adversities but prude enough to know when “giving” is required.

• Remember people

I once gave a lift to a stranger in the dead of the night while returning from office. I dropped him off at the military hospital on airport road and speed off without waiting. 2 years down the line, I was taking the stairs to my flat when a booming voice called out “Excuse me gentleman!!” I turned to face a middle aged guy in uniform and he muttered

Do you remember me? I didn’t and he went on to explain how I had given him a lift when the rest of them wouldn’t even pay heed. He was a very senior level air force officer and an ENT specialist to begin with……

And finally

• The world is a small place, what goes around comes around

What you get in return is what you gave back. Of course that’s not always true but it’s safe to assume that it happens in at least 90% cases, and that by any measurement is a considerable margin…..

A friend of mine met her engineering class mate some 5 years after passing out. As she browsed through some photographs, she saw a familiar face and pointing it out mumbled some niceties about the person.

Imagine her surprise when I rang the bell and came in for a visit. Her best friend and I were class mates for MS and we still hang out together……

I guess that’s all I have to say. This should not be read as a gospel but rather understood as the experience so far of someone who’s undergoing a “quarter life crisis”…………

The VALUE of small things!!!

Ever wondered what gets your spirit back especially when you are wondering if you would ever recover enough? Well here is my take on it. It’s the “Smallest Thing in Life” that enables you to do so.

It’s no surprise then how nominal things in life always bring a smile on my face. Let me clarify by small I mean things for which I never had to go out of my way or struggle too much to make it happen.

My niece calling out my name, her first day in school, my first recognition at work, getting more than expected in an exam, my orkut love story etc, events small enough but their salutary effect on my nerves and my overall demeanor cannot be emphasized.

When I look back I realized that it’s these smaller things that have always been a FIRST thing for the happiest people. No matter how much more they get, their first love is always a small, sometimes even miniscule event or thing.

But I realized its one of the small thing that’s causing me much fretfulness. Many of us for example can easily forget a major fiasco we have been involved with, but forgiving our self for doing something insignificant at the wrong time? Naah it takes ages to get over that “How Stupid of me!!” feeling. The only plus point here being one’s taking me down perpetually with it while the other ensures I don’t lose my sanity at any point of time.

Summarizing “It’s the smaller things in life that hurt more as also please more” after all everyone knows “You can sit on top of a mountain but you can’t sit on top of a pin!!”

Lastly trust me, Give importance to smaller things. The gratification you receive cannot be harmonized by any other act.

It will be the only placebo you would need however demanding be your time………

Terrific Tuesday !!!

What a terrific Tuesday I had. Its usually the dull Tuesdays for me, but this time I wanted it to be different and atypical it was :). I love to eat and had wanted to check out this newly opened restaurant around 20 minutes from my place. I landed up at the place before the designated time and within minutes so did my friend.

We had company, there were a couple of "her" friends who came in with "their" friends and the group totaled 8 of us. Well the more the merrier !! besides this mid week break is a welcome stress buster and we ambled towards the garden restaurant jauntily.

As we got into a cozy corner the salubrious conditions lead us to bring out our sprightly sides. Soon we had ordered one dish after the other on the menu and interspersed with light banter and some serious talk. we surely had a great time.

Today I met my friend again while coming back from office at the local bistro and she told me that a couple of her girl friends thought I was a nerd while the guys thought I was a sporty dude. I smiled, deep down I myself don’t know what I am. Lets just say I can be extremely silent one moment, rambling the other or belting out a vocal performance (croaking rather) the next. It happens, it all depends on my mood and the situation.

Well I assume this happened since I was the only "techie kind of job" guy there among the gang, who were all " MBA kind of job" guys. Why this assumes significance you may ask, read on.....

My life has all been about trial and errors. Let me just say, I still have no clue where I am headed but having said that I am spot on. If I find something that interests me, I am keen to do good in it. That probably explains why there seems to be no correlation between My education to what I blog, to what I do, to what I wear, to what I sound like, to what my hobbies are and so on………..

So to accommodate my new found pals I could do this

• Drive myself to do stuff that are fundamental or expected from me on account of my "born with or exisitng" skill set and talents.

• I could just do what I feel is right. Rather than being wrapped around the worldly fundas or a pre-made template build myself or gather and gain a niche skill that interests me and of course is found in lesser quantity.

Unfortunately rules bore me. Routine irritates and pretty soon the urge to break free is strong enough to drive me with it. I guess most of the not so bored readers who reached till this line must have guessed "I have the tendency to follow the second approach".

Lets just say I love to play different roles under different masks. The mask hides my feelings from the outer world but deep inside its still the same old guy. The same old person who’s grown up now, albeit reluctantly which explains why being different and varied seems so important to him !!!

Deep down he is still the same old guy anyone could relate to. All it takes is the urge to try. "Nerd" or any such endearments are just a small part amongst the varied roles he plays…..

My Dream !!!

He was in a deep slumber resting his tired soul. Past few weeks have been really painful and each passing day a stark reminder it’s taking him an awful lot of time to be the person he wants to be……

He heard the ring, his lids blipped, he hated the disturbance especially now, when all he wanted was to be left alone. The ring persisted and exasperated he got up to investigate the source of disturbance.

As he sauntered out of his bed room, he heard the phone ring in an ascending manner. Quickly he sprang to life and darted towards the phone. The ring tone sounded so very familiar that he just wanted to pick the line. Breathlessly he mumbled “hello”, and a familiar voice responded at the other end. The only thing he asked was “What took you so long to make the call”, he didn’t even wait for an answer and started rambling what bothered him for the past few days unmindful that his question was never answered. He never wanted any answer either, sometimes silence speaks for itself and he knew what the silence between them meant………….

They talked like the good old days and happily shared the ample things they missed during the let go period. He felt awesome, no longer did he face any guilt and as time flew he realized he was no longer hurt or miserable. Maybe that was the only thing he was so eagerly waiting for and since it got delayed in coming he lost sight of other wonderful happenings around him.

Better late than never and now that it’s all cleared, he could see the clear blue sky and his heart sang again. As he replaced the receiver he realized he had a radiant glow on his face matched only by the grandeur of the rising sun.

Suddenly a shrill sound rang out. Ohh damn !! it’s the alarm, he sprang from his bed only to realize he was dreaming and life is still the same for him….

They say your desire’s manifests itself as your dreams. True, he was really hoping this dream comes true but alas, if things would actually go as his wants such a day would have never dawned.

It’s time to get to work, a brand new day just a few hours away and with that a new challenge. Right now life has come a full circle for him........

He knew his time will come soon and with that the call too. Last heard he is still waiting ………

About Impressions and expressions !!!

A continuation of my earlier post on impressions

I read one book Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink which talks about the same. In fact to be honest although I felt the book didn’t do much of a talking apart from the ones we keep getting as unwanted gifts but some aspects of it enamored me.

I had to admit that the guy really made sense in certain aspects of human relations. The trouble with me being I can never read a book twice however good it is and I usually skim through books and stay focused on one that interests me.

Similar to an analogy that was explained in that book, when someone recommends me a book, I look at its title, if that impresses me I move on, if it’s about an area I am unfamiliar with I show less interest in reading it. Same was the case with Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Blink”, I wasn’t interested at first, preferring to read it when I didn’t have nothing better to do (lately I am in that stage), while traveling etc but I found that I could certainly relate to certain aspects of that book.

The subtlety with which he talks about the initial few moments of an interaction was superb. I was left wondering how analogous to what he discussed I would always predict 4-5 questions that were bound to come during an exam. I remember how I could sense which customer is going to call us back during a fund raising campaign. Lastly how I predicted the appearance of an applicant well before he came for an interview, just by observing his language, choice of grammar and writing style.

I skimmed through the book omitting things that didn’t interest me and finally finished it and locked it away. At the end I was left wondering about its contents and I realized a couple of things

• I am still pessimistic when I began a task but optimistic once I get some initial success.
• I don’t demand rather I try and suit the demand I perceive. I guess I am doing fine as I have a fair share of my own success stories.
• I am still NOT approachable. I am friendly but have a reserved nature
• I play fair. I don’t judge till I give the person a fair chance.
• My impressions are paramount in developing my relationships. I rarely take pains if I feel the person is not worth the attention.

Looking back I now realize how certain relations and people have worked for me in the past. Take for example my friends. I have realized that even at this age, I just have a handful of them who are close to me. Most of them are very different from me. Simply speaking our outlook, dress sense, humor or even desires don’t match. Most of the time the arguments are related to these not so common traits but they never seem to have longevity in our relation.

We have been critical of each other, but all said and done, we have never doubted even for a second our sincerity towards each other. Even if I choose to remain silent, they understand the silence behind it and not make an issue. For them to support me and me to do the same we don’t need to request rather there is an inbuilt trigger that makes them drop in when required. Above all I find sense of purpose, security and understanding in our bond and have forged the same.

I guess what I am now, what I will be in future are all based on split second decisions. In many ways they are the foundations on which I have built myself, on which I hope to build a strong future. Each issue in all has been a learning experience and yet I sometimes wonder why I am not able to harness this great power to its true advantage.

Summing up, I assume some things work best in short bursts. How much of information you imbibe is a personal factor and how you act on the information a still limited one.

Simply speaking I believe when faced with an issue most of us will take a split second decision and THAT would shape the next round of action (which is very much the essence of the book :) ) …………………

Compliments and Me !!!

My friend paid me a compliment the other day “I can count on him when I need some help”. It was said looking right into my eye, I knew it was a compliment that came from the heart but I didn’t react.

As this person left our table she looked straight into the eye and said “That was supposed to be a compliment” I smiled and said “I know” to which her response was “You are supposed to say something”. I mumbled thanks!!! And that’s it, what followed as a comic act from her, wherein she raised her hands to the lord and let out a deep sigh……

Why am I so indifferent? I don’t know. I mean let’s just say compliments and me don’t go hand in hand. As far as my knowledge goes it’s always been like this. I have never responded even with thanks for a compliment someone pays unless it’s pointed out.

Let’s just go back to my teenage years when compliments were scarce and sarcasm in plenty. When insults, brick bats and he is a gone case were the only compliments I received and that too in plenty. A daily dose of these compliments filled my stomach to such an extent that even when someone would appreciate the good work I was forced to this that maybe its just to make me feel better.

Being born different, have an attitude and of course with a mindset that’s different yet not conventional was a taboo back in those days and I guess apart from my dad and bro no one appreciated or noticed the difference I could bring. In any case my family would not show me down even if I was worse than a jelly bean.

In a country and especially a society like ours, academics were everything and the rest of your talents were useless and waste of time. I don’t remember how I fought those people off but what I do remember was the faith some people had in plenty when it came to me.

Towards the later half, I obtained all that would be called the “High-Status” contraptions of life. An education to match from an Ivy League university, a great job, a not so obnoxious personality and what not, but the basic element was missing. An element of “trust” especially when someone tried to be sweet if not sugary.

Somehow a compliment given to me was just to make me do some work like older times and maybe that’s why I still don’t take any of them seriously. An occasional smirk and at times a genuine smile may come on my face but yet it will disappear as quickly as it comes.

Let’s just say I am yet to get over my element of mistrust and learn to appreciate a compliment for what it’s actually meant to be. Some have thought I am an despicable conceited idiot considering I don’t even appreciate a compliment but deep down it’s just a sense of despair.

A feeling bought about by my odious growing years and an incorrigible society framework, something that robbed me of this very simple pleasure in life of taking things at face value and moving on.

It’s up to us to break away these shackles and give our coming generation the confidence and self belief that life has more to it than just showing off and living a honorable life, one filled with hard work, focus and understanding is the only way to be really successful.

I promised myself that my siblings would never go through what I underwent irrespective of the fact if I survive that long or not …..

A living example I call “Dad” will in any case ensure I keep my part of the promise.

Choose the right ATTITUDE.

Aah a new beginning. How I feel so very optimistic as I smell the early morning air. Damn, it’s smelling of charcoal, some nut case had obviously forgotten to cut the fire once the revelry was over grrrrr. Last night was great, a long walk was just what I needed and I am glad it came at the right time.

Anyways the ghosts of 2006 would no longer come back and haunt me I suppose. It’s been a mixed year the early half promising pretty much more than I could fathom, and the later half slowly and surely chipping away the building blocks to cause a mild tremor just when it was least expected.

But like they say, past is past, lets not worry about how unfair life and get and move on that would probably be the best you can do. A couple of my friends had arranged a party at their place and even tho I was invited I wasn’t very keen on going. I mean I am not an austere person just that the saying “penny wise pound foolish” suits me just fine.

However things changed at the last minute and I landed up. As the night progressed I was getting increasingly agitated since it was boring. I excused myself and bade a good bye, I would rather be home early and share a moment or two with my niece and bro in law who’s just back from abroad than sit around and listen to tech talks. I mean all these techie parties are so boring all they do is talk about the moolah they rake in and going to US and finally marriage. A so very boring and ageless topic but nevertheless one that gets all techies gunning at the same time.

I mumbled my excuse and headed for the door to be followed by my friend who I was supposed to drop back home. As I bulldozed my way across the vast sea of people to get to the parking lot my friend asked me if I would mind taking a walk. Now you don’t get a PYT asking for a walk around every day and besides I could do with something different to calm my nerves. It was all hazy due to the smoke and the side dish which was awful.

So off we went walking down the street. Thank god she is not a techie so that suited me fine. We discussed holidays, the kayaking trip I have been planning on for some time, New Year resolutions and finally some issues that were bothering either of us. At the end of a pretty good 1 hour we were miles away from our parking lot but I sure had a good time. As we walked back, she asked me how do I stay calm ( as compared to most of the guys she knows) when a crisis strikes.

I mumbled thanks!! and mentioned “The grass is always greener on the other side”. It’s only when you go through it yourself that you realize how it wasn’t as bad as it seemed to be in the first place. I don’t pride on the fact that I stay calm when it gets bad. I DON’T. Like a normal person I too rave and rant about how unfair it gets, BUT what probably sets me apart is the fact that all said and done, I will just shut up and do what I am supposed to do in the first place.

I owe it to my parents. When the chips are down everyone is scared out of their wits. The whirlpool of change really sucks you down, and you would be constantly scared that one of the people who are going to get hurt is you. That get’s the worry cells working overtime and you begin to wonder whether you can really face them and emerge victorious or would you have to lower your standards and expectations that you had in the first place.

Well I feel it doesn’t have to be that way. If your grand parents can overcome their problems then so can you, after all it’s in the genes. We may have never thought about it but they went through enough hell during their times and they did it with the single minded reason that they wanted your life to be better than theirs.

So when the chips are down I go back to what my parents taught me. They taught me to apply myself. They forced me to get all the education and the worldly learning I could possibly but insisted on just one thing. By god don’t just stand there when its not going your way, make something happen will you!!!. This was easily one of the single most important things that only our parents could have taught. The wisdom came through the ages and mind you it wasn’t and will never be a part of the curricula at any red brick school you can ever get your feet into.

It’s not easy, but at the same time it’s not difficult either. When things turn for the worse, stop procrastinating, put your head down and do what you are supposed to do. You will be surprised how in a free society like ours, you can be as great as you want to be. And lastly be grateful for whatever blessings god bestows on you.

I am lucky that god showed some mercy on me, at least I have a foundation. As the New Year begins, I choose to revel in the good times the preceding year bought than worry about what went wrong and where. I also choose to look forward to this year being a rather good one, full of hope and cheer.

Bottom line I Choose and I believe so can you

HAPPY NEW YEAR …………………