Quarter Life Crisis !!!

At the start I am being somewhat frank when I say I am “Twenty-Something". Experts have called it by various epithets but my most favorite is "Quarter-life Crisis." I guess nothing surmises the feeling better than this moniker :-)

I got this realization that I was somewhat lost amongst the young crowd. Suddenly my priorities in life had changed. I kept realizing how there were so many things about myself that I didn’t know, things that I don’t like, things that foretell how good I would be in a particular role etc. My standpoint was changing at rapid pace.

When the realization dawned I was nervous at first, afraid somewhat apprehensive too that something has got control over me, my feelings and my mind. An unknown force that’s making me sees things in a different perspective.

I was constantly getting worried about my balding head, my juniors are getting fatter pay packages than I got when I started my career, my career prospects etc. I started feeling insecure and wondered where I would be in a year or two, but then get distraught because I barely knew where I am headed for now.

The momentum spilled out to just about everything as far as my eye can reach. I started realizing people I cared for can and are selfish and that, maybe the friends that I thought I was so close to aren't exactly the greatest people I have ever met, and the people I lost touch with are some of the most important ones in my life :-(.

I realized that someone who I would term as really cold, catty, mean or insincere were not necessarily bad and I learnt that when I accepted them they way they were, most of the times I would get a virtuous response.

I learnt to accept their viewpoints, understand them, criticize them the right way, and learnt to make myself felt and heard. I began to enrich my experience to the extent that while I appreciate people around me, I could be perfectly alone, even in one of those Mumbai local trains, lost in my own world.

My opinions have gotten stronger now. I still keep a stoic glance most of the time and quietly view what others are doing. I began to judge and compare myself more than usual because suddenly I realize that there exist certain boundaries in my life and I am still constantly adding things to the list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

Each passing day I would vacillate between extremes. One minute, I am insecure and then the next, secure. I began to laugh, cry and carry on any activity like no tomorrow, most of the time with the greatest force of my life.

In all the ensuing confusion my heart would ditch me at each crucial stage. Suddenly change was something I was no longer looking forward too. It was my greatest enemy and I would keep clinging to my past life hoping tomorrow never comes, nothing ever changes and when I wake up the next day, things are back to the normal self. The self I am used to, the self I have been seeing day in and out, the self I am more comfortable with, related to and comfortable with.

But alas !! it was not to be, each passing day was more of a mystification and I soon found to my dismay that my life is just drifting apart and going away further and further with each passing day and there was exactly nothing much I could do apart from watch it glide away or just move forward.

I would find reasons as to how someone I loved could do such damage to me and just care a damn about me or my feelings. Lie in bed and wonder why the hell I can't ever get to meet anyone decent enough, someone that I would want to get to know better.

Maybe I love someone but then another someone else and a third one too… I cannot figure out why I am fighting with this feeling because I @ heart I am not a bad person. Getting wasted and acting like an idiotic lovey dovey starts to look pathetic.

I am constantly worried about my loans, money, my future and making a life for myself... and while winning the race would be great, right now I just want to be a strong contender!

Perhaps someone reading this post may relate to this. Or am I the only idiot in this world who is experiencing the Quarter Life Crisis !!!