Successful !!!

what would you define as success ? is there a well thought and defined success title? I mean when would you say I am successful? does wealth or title or other such monetary belongings define success? Do you feel you are successful? I am dealing with questions like this a lot these days. I am also dealing with what is known as attitude. Do I have the attitude to succeed? Do I have an "attitude" or can I ever get to a point where my attitude takes me where I wish to go ?

Truth be told, I don’t feel I am successful, but neither do I feel I have failed. given the choices, I made the best of the opportunities that were presented to me and while, I did falter, I have had my fair share of success. If being pulled down and yet being able to surface and keep yourself alive defines or can be taken as an essential part of success then yes I am successful. On the other hand, job title, monetary and other such benefits defines success then maybe I am not successful. I was never lucky enough to boast of a bank balance, but if I am asked whether I have enjoyed life, then yes, I have and anyone who knows me will vouch for that.

In fact, I had zeroes in my account as I had student loans and other such expenses to pay (how important or necessary were they would be the topic of an all together different blog post) but then I got married and I realized that my life pretty much of a zero till then could and did change. It was a welcome change because now what looked impossible to me seems possible.

It’s a combination of these that lead me to think what success would mean to me or how would I define success and whether I am successful. It also leads me to think what my attitude is like, and how good or better it has become and if it’s not, what do I need to change and how ? If I ever get around to changing myself what would the change be like? would I be happy being successful in everyone's eyes and a forced one for me ? or would I be happy if I consider myself successful while the world does not ? If I ever have kids ( I want to but I don't know if I would ever) would they judge me by my eyes or that would bring a third kinda reasoning I would need to consider?

While I would never let myself falter in something I pick up, of lately I have began to notice that more than challenges, I prefer certainty. I like the prospect of taking the same route to go to work, the bank of whatever I am doing, than trying stunts or maybe take a calculated risk ( e.g. invest in stocks). Is that just me or is it age that’s catching up? Sure thing I have spent quite a few months mulling over this fact but as of yet, I do not have a respite. I do consider myself lucky, I have got most if not all of what I wanted, but my worry is my list of wants seem to grow while my chances of getting them in this life type seem to ebb. it's toxic and this elegant (if I could ever say so) mulch which was supposed to do good is slowly eating away inch by inch with time ...

it remains to be seen, if I would ever gather my thoughts, get over my trepidation and perhaps get a definite answer for now I am trying to float and I am hoping as the storm breezes over I might just find a new land, a new beginning or more importantly a meaning in this lifeless pursuit... amen .....