Of wants and more !

Birthdays are coming up. I lost track of the time when birthdays mattered. I guess these days as the birthday nears, i get the jitters about being old and the miles i need to go before i get older :)

so i will be a year older soon. For now i am living the american dream which is being in debt. Don't get me wrong, having a home is a basic necessity for most people as well as mine. I reckoned, its better to garner some equity than live my life in apartments and get done with it. So i bought a house. Its a decent one, in a good locality, close to the metro and the works, but the pleasure is in looking around and realizing i live in my own house. Well its not mine as yet, for right now the bank owes it and will continue to do so for the next 10 years at least. I am a partial owner for now ...

Then i did the unthinkable and bought up another home in my parents home state of Kerala. I always wanted a home there, have always felt a oneness with that holy place so i was willing to take the plunge. Now i am paying through my nose to manage 2 places and if i lose my job, then i can eat the drywall for lunch and dinner if i choose to stay in US or cement and iron bars if i decide to head back to India. 

All of them came at a price. A price i was willing to pay and i am hoping my gamble pays off. If it doesnt, i will end up with egg on my face but more importantly i will ruin the finances and well being of my loved ones including my daughter. A terrible thought indeed which makes me determined to see the bright side if not anything else.

so i am headed to india, to finish off the paperwork for this place. Along with that i am scrapping my piggy bank, my accounts and other stuff to make up for the monetary costs associated with the purchase. In any case no sooner that the NRI (Never Returning Indian) lands, the sharks will be out in full force gnawing and snapping at every visible piece of you. Its as if money is given for free for us folks. I must say that also adds to be one of the prime reasons why working in india or living for that matter just seems so out of question. 

I hope i get a good interior designer to spruce up the place, make it look good. nothing flashy but easy, comfortable colors and interiors is what i am expecting. The costs are an deterring factor and i am not yet the NRI for whom being flashy just seems so the norm.

So wish me luck. In my haste to get over a childhood dream, i have put a lot at stake. I am ok for now just as long as i have a job. Besides its not a million dollar home that i would need to be indebted to anyone for a long time. That being said, i would need to curb this "get done with it" instinct. More than twice this year, i have ended up doing things which i tend to worry about later and this being one of the case.

i hope the gods continue to be merciful. I dont have much to ask anyways and i must say i am blessed. I have never had a problem, i could not face, never an issue i could not resolve, never a heartache i could not get over with and never a pain i couldnt live with. 

I have had the best of education,an easy childhood, a tough middle age and a promising old age. As i sit around and ponder about these blessings in my promised land i duly hope, i remain blessed and humble for every birth i become.

Lessons from Last Night !

Lessons from last night :

In a company party I can be myself and yet not be the joker of the pack. 8% alcohol in a beer is not unheard off. "Reserve" yeah that's the name, made me lose my reservations last night till i saw a fuming wifey when i woke up in the morning.

I can be paranoid about losing but more than losing its the thought of losing that kills me

My eyes shut on their own accord same as my mouth does. They don't need an alarm, neither do they care about the place or the time, they just shut down when they want to

The best thing to do is to just stop caring. If only it were that easy. The point is that you can only not care if you actually never cared in the first place. In which case, you would not be trying to not care, would you?

Don't create trouble, keep your thoughts to yourself, shut up basically. For the love of God, don't let what everyone says and how everyone behaves affect you. Because it will fuck up your life, it actually will !!!

I think too much and most of the times its for others or what i intend to do for them

Be positive, Be free. Don't neglect your customary activities, because if you do, you will feel lethargic about doing it again.

A mountain bike real usage is when its driven around not when you wheel it around as i do since i don't want to waste my energy riding uphill.

I am sorry i am being incoherent here, maybe I am drunk or maybe I am just happy, the looooong weekend is finally here, hopefully with a 2 feet bundle of joy and wifey,  i would be able to enjoy it a little more :)

Are WE human?

To my nation which is filled with testosterone, masala films, kamasutra, deep cleavages and the works. As a nation all we care about is the plunging necklines and the quick dekho .. that's it. Be it the newspaper, the neighborhood, or even our work place.

We are filled with gossip, lowest rates of morality and are medically a rare species because our hormones are all over the place traversing a common pathway to our organs. When the heat we generate amongst our all consuming bodies is not enough, we still look for more. Nothing less than a nuclear fission satisfies us. I doubt even a intensity that high would do and i guess Mother Nature does not yet have any cooling mechanism to lessen the heat. 

The poison is in our hearts. In our minds and of course in our veins. Where physical intimacy, discharging our filthy DNA is paramount, everything else takes a back seat, yes it does and it always did. we are a nation of eunuchs, i am sorry that is a insult to enuchs.. i am sure their morality rates are higher... we are a nation of bastards, born out of a inhuman existence. we live only to procreate by any means and anything living is just our means of getting there.

I cant ask you to guard your girlfriends, mothers, sisters or the works. Hell on second thought i would ask you to guard your brother, son, friend, grandfather and even your pet dog. In fact anything that can reliably be deemed a living being of the male species needs to be guarded. Oh mothers, sisters, girlfriends of this world, please guard your male species. Please teach us to fear "FEAR", teach us things that only fear can teach.

As for the male species if you can read and understand this i sure hope that there is fear in you ! A fear that instills a feeling of righteousness in you, a fear that kindles your lust seeking vision, a fear that tugs at your heart, a fear that makes you see a woman as a gift, a guide and more importantly a important companion in our otherwise miserable existence.

My prayers go out to the family and everyone related to them. May no father, no mother and no nation ever be required to face this gross injustice. May god and the people shower the choicest abuses, insults and injury to every @#$@$#@#$% testosterone high male species amongst us humans whose only aim in life is to discharge his tool. May the punishment be so severe that every inch of the rot residing within his frame shudder at the mention of it. Until then good luck ladies and gentleman !

Its at moments like this that I feel paranoid and animalistic. Its at times like these that i want capital punishment. Its at times like this i love fear. To all my living companions who share the family's grief and keeps them in their prayers, Thank you !

To the rest of the bastards out there, may you rot in HELL of course this should be after we have lynched every visible piece of you that ever existed !!!

http://www.cnn.com/video/?hpt=hp_t3#/video/bestoftv/2012/12/19/udas-india-gang-rape-outrage.cnn

A beginning !

Often times i have mused over why and what caused the ultimate demise of the so many things in me. While i can spend ample amount of time talking about stuff that put me off track, the primary reason i believe is my inability to manage and to take control.

I am due for a vacation in another 2 weeks. More importantly this is my first real vacation in 3 years. Of course the trip is contentious, the planning vague and the things to look forward to still a blur, but whats been true so far is being cash strapped, more money to roll down the drain and of course coming back broke to start all over again. But hell ! i guess that is something that is inevitable, considering the fact that i am now a NRI.  I realize now why the NRI's are known as the Non Returning Indians !!!

So lets start the end of this year with the belief that i would be able to blog regularly. Maybe not much but at least a post a week. Life is catching up, kids, home, work i guess they will remain for a long time to come, i now need to get back to my grove. Work and stuff will always be a part of me, but activities i so dearly cherish are in my blood and i just need to bleed once a week ...

Hopefully, I will be able to keep this !

Godmen and C P !!

I am a big fan of C P Surendran, not because like him, I seek an identity myself but perhaps the fact that his writings are so very much spot on. Infact people with average IQ can follow what he says and identify with him. Best of all, he asks questions or throws light on facts that the common man would ask. I am yet to come across anyone who can write so fluidly..

Now why did I mention him, in the first paragraph, well the reason would be clear at the fag end of the post. Now that finally the so called GOD has been laid to rest, print media would get something else to write about. For starters, I do not need to see all the celebrities tweeting their hearts out for this man, neither do I need to see someone I immensely respect as a sports person, shed tears for him.

It was kind of shocking to see Sachin Tendulkar with moist eyes for this man, but the more I reasoned about it, the more I felt that despite having 350+gods, we STILL take refuge in godmen/women. Why do we need this? What could possibly be the reason that eastablished and the most sane people chuck everything out of their life and follow these guys ? Would I ever ? I hope I never. I mean in terms of faith, I maybe a tad lower than my better half but come what may I just don’t see myself stopping for a visit to any godman or woman no matter what.

We have come a long way from being a archaic ideaology driven caste based society to its present form. True a lot of things still need to change but I guess most of us if not all have atleast 50% less complaints from our religion, whatever it maybe as compared to our predecessors. The winds of change have mostly left us with a sense of belonging to a sect most of the time.

What has perhaps not changed et all is our dependence on godmen or intermediaries that the supporters would like to call them. Whether we need them or not is debatable of course but I cant help but chuckle everytime someone advises me about any such folks. Maybe I am the lucky one, I just had to pray and my problems were resolved. I still feel more at peace going to a temple and sitting around than going to a satsang or prancing around showing my faith. I certainly hope I stay like that till I go six feet under …

And now as a parting thought let me leave you guys with this article, which would give reasons for my first para, ask a few questions to both supporters and detractors alike and hopefully leave you smiling if not a chukle …

http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/India-Circus/entry/why-does-sathya-sai-baba-need-a-ventilation-system

World Cup Encounters !!

So after a gap of 28 years we got the World Cup. I would be lying if I said I did not utter a prayer, hoping we get the cup this time not for anyone but for Sachin. Somewhere deep down, I very strongly felt that he is worthy of holding the world cup before he retires. The youthfulness that he has, I sure hope it (the retirement) does not happen anytime soon.

Another player I absolutely loved watching this tournament was Yuvraj, it sure was a treat and I hope after his partying and such activities he gets back to the game and keeps giving it his best as he did this tournament. Lastly the person we all love to trash Sreesanth. You might end up saying he is a lucky mascot but more than being a mascot, I think he is lucky himself as luck would have it we ended up on the winning side and he got himself a crore rupees + a villa worth 55 lacs for being such a poor sport.

The only think I feel probably didn’t go well was the fact that I ended up arguing and finally breaking off all ties with an old mate. Well it took me sometime to do that, but I guess he had it coming. We all can act pretty immature when young but for some experience and age does not contribute to any sort of maturity if et all. They all like to live in their so own world guided by lethargic principles and their demented concepts and composure. It was crazy, with me tweeting and being constantly on Facebook and at the same time responding to their stupid messages and emails.

I for starters have a very thin margin of error for such retarded folks and I guess that is what showed up that day. Coming in uninvited, making a totally irresponsible if not pathetic comment and using a public forum to voice what I see as a stupid line of thought was too much I could take. I had to give it back and I did which eventually lead to this, but I can safely say, it never made me feel I went overboard. For now I am glad I don’t have to talk to or act normal with this person and that’s pretty much what matters to me.

Life is looking good, I am getting back to my passions be it reading or just walking around aimlessly. I have a few wants here and there, which are going to be taken care of albeit in due course. I have a few ideas up my sleeve and I am glad I have started to work on them in some ways if not all. I look forward to each day and every trial and tribulation that comes I am confident of facing it as and when it happens...

Is it just the new me or has some bug bit me ... Aah I don’t know and honestly I don’t care as the truth is ... I am LOVING it ...

Successful !!!

what would you define as success ? is there a well thought and defined success title? I mean when would you say I am successful? does wealth or title or other such monetary belongings define success? Do you feel you are successful? I am dealing with questions like this a lot these days. I am also dealing with what is known as attitude. Do I have the attitude to succeed? Do I have an "attitude" or can I ever get to a point where my attitude takes me where I wish to go ?

Truth be told, I don’t feel I am successful, but neither do I feel I have failed. given the choices, I made the best of the opportunities that were presented to me and while, I did falter, I have had my fair share of success. If being pulled down and yet being able to surface and keep yourself alive defines or can be taken as an essential part of success then yes I am successful. On the other hand, job title, monetary and other such benefits defines success then maybe I am not successful. I was never lucky enough to boast of a bank balance, but if I am asked whether I have enjoyed life, then yes, I have and anyone who knows me will vouch for that.

In fact, I had zeroes in my account as I had student loans and other such expenses to pay (how important or necessary were they would be the topic of an all together different blog post) but then I got married and I realized that my life pretty much of a zero till then could and did change. It was a welcome change because now what looked impossible to me seems possible.

It’s a combination of these that lead me to think what success would mean to me or how would I define success and whether I am successful. It also leads me to think what my attitude is like, and how good or better it has become and if it’s not, what do I need to change and how ? If I ever get around to changing myself what would the change be like? would I be happy being successful in everyone's eyes and a forced one for me ? or would I be happy if I consider myself successful while the world does not ? If I ever have kids ( I want to but I don't know if I would ever) would they judge me by my eyes or that would bring a third kinda reasoning I would need to consider?

While I would never let myself falter in something I pick up, of lately I have began to notice that more than challenges, I prefer certainty. I like the prospect of taking the same route to go to work, the bank of whatever I am doing, than trying stunts or maybe take a calculated risk ( e.g. invest in stocks). Is that just me or is it age that’s catching up? Sure thing I have spent quite a few months mulling over this fact but as of yet, I do not have a respite. I do consider myself lucky, I have got most if not all of what I wanted, but my worry is my list of wants seem to grow while my chances of getting them in this life type seem to ebb. it's toxic and this elegant (if I could ever say so) mulch which was supposed to do good is slowly eating away inch by inch with time ...

it remains to be seen, if I would ever gather my thoughts, get over my trepidation and perhaps get a definite answer for now I am trying to float and I am hoping as the storm breezes over I might just find a new land, a new beginning or more importantly a meaning in this lifeless pursuit... amen .....