Friday, April 28, 2006

Tips !!

At the onset I want to clarify I am no relationship guru neither am I a perfectionist but having said that I do have my own rules which would come into prominence when it comes to relationships. This is true especially for the one I would be committed towards in a couple of years from now.

For all those people who could guess it right (bravo!!! clap clap clap) and for those who could not, it’s about the decision about choosing a life partner. As everyone else this is one decision which is undoubtedly the toughest and of course not a one where you can learn by making mistakes.

For a change I would not want to do a mistake considering the fact that my whole life so far has been a trial and error game, one making a mistake, the other not learning from it. While things have changed for the better for me, What if I make a mistake is nevertheless a scary line of thought.

I happened to ask my colleague who got engaged recently why is he getting married to her and he said "I am in love with her."

My next question comment was “You mean you never fell in love with Ms XYZ, Ms ABC… you were carrying on with for the past couple of years??

Well comments apart I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date and later decide to tie the knot. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.

I know a couple of my readers would think I am NUTS. Quite rightly so I am a nut but I still believe there is immense truth here. My stand is “Let not Love be the basis for getting married. Rather allow love to be the result of a good marriage. Focus on other ingredients in the relationship and true love will seep in sooner than you think.”

It’s only in reel life that such a thing can happen and you CANNOT build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more…….

My quest to find the correct partner would depend on how I feel with relation to some crucial areas. I am confident it will be a combination of these which would help me decide and perhaps AVOID the fate some of them end up with. I know lot of my readers would not quite agree with what I mention here and I welcome criticism, argument and counter arguments.

But my ONLY condition is. “Let’s keep this sane and perfectly within limits”. As long as the comments are within acceptable limits I would not mind but anything adverse and uncalled for will have to go no matter what and that’s a promise!!

Let’s keep the discussion a HEALTHY one, someone out there might benefit.



* A marriage is supposed to last a life time and it’s precisely this life time that needs to be the focus. Let’s assume I am going to spend around approximately 30 years being alive & married from now on, so my focus would be "What do I plan to do with her most of the time??" Maybe indulge in activities that help us bond together or act more like a catalyst to help each other succeed.

I should be sharing something much deeper and meaningful in addition to the relation that binds us. That is sharing a common life purpose, knowing what each one of us want out of life and having known that agree to strengthen the bond that exist between us.

* How much comfortable and safer do I feel expressing my feelings to her (read TRUST). This is one question that forms the basis of every relationship I guess so nothing new here. I should be in a position to feel good and communicate openly with her. All right I agree some amount of pretence would always be there in the initial stages of courtship BUT it's important that both parties be comfy with the real self.

I must be convinced by the fact that I would not get punished or hurt for expressing what I feel before her. Yep!! Some stuff may cause the other half to react badly but if it’s happening on a regular basis, you need to seriously think who's a JERK in this relation.

* Consider the sensitivity and overall mannerisms of the person. Observe how they walk, talk (literally speaking ok!!) and in general behave with people around them. Do they always strive (and I mean it "STRIVE") to do things right and be good overall? Ask questions that derives answers about their demeanor something akin to personal interview BUT don’t get too pushy either.

It’s important not to come across as someone who infringes upon personal space!! Understand how the overall behavior pattern would play an important role in future especially when you decide this is the person I would want to walk down the aisle with.

* A continuation of the above logic, understand the primary and most important thing in any relationship. My belief is, it’s the ability to GIVE and what it essentially means is the ability to let go of your wants and needs to bring around happiness.

C’mon I am not asking her to be a sacrificial lamb, but my expectation is she should be doing it genuinely (or perhaps it should come to her naturally) and not under some kinda pressure or moral obligation towards me or any one else. It’s important to have the gratitude towards people who do a hell lot for you as also appreciate people who may not be able to do everything expected.

A little step however small it is should not be sidelined but rather appreciated. Someone who cares a damn about valuing others will not appreciate me and my loved ones sooner or later.

* Don’t try and change the person after getting committed. That’s the worse thing you can do. Don’t expect changes in a person post commitment, it seldom happens. If it does it's only for the worse.

If you are not willing to accept the person just as they are at this point of time, then perhaps you need to rethink about your choice of a partner.

Agreed the above points cannot be a mantra for finding the correct partner, it’s too generalized, maybe cocky or broad and doesn’t confirm to YOUR line of thoughts but I could only think of these few points.

As someone rightly said "Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework".

Should you have more to say, feel free to comment, just remember the rules for the post.

AS I SAID EARLIER, SOMEONE OUT THERE MIGHT BENEFIT

15 Comments:

At Saturday, April 29, 2006 at 4:20:00 AM GMT+5:30, Blogger KK said...

Very nicely done. :=)

 
At Monday, May 1, 2006 at 7:54:00 PM GMT+5:30, Blogger Chitra said...

Tee hee..what a coincidence!! I too am working on a similar post!

 
At Monday, May 1, 2006 at 8:28:00 PM GMT+5:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have always felt that a date neednt be successful in finding you a perfect match...the reason which i feel accounts to being extra polite (to your partner) on the occasion, being tolerant or masking on what you would dislike in the person. Sadly, the same attitude/passion for your partner may not remain the same after. Marriage should be a relation wherein love is generated by itself..its about caring and respecting your partners likes/dislikes.
Gud thoughts Sudhi!!!
-
DP

 
At Tuesday, May 2, 2006 at 2:48:00 PM GMT+5:30, Blogger The Avenger !!! said...

@KK

thanks KK, so when am i getting to see a new post ? Its long overdue :-)

 
At Tuesday, May 2, 2006 at 2:48:00 PM GMT+5:30, Blogger The Avenger !!! said...

@Chitra

hey chitzzzz,

well I can be sure your post would be better than mine :-) looking forward to it

 
At Tuesday, May 2, 2006 at 2:50:00 PM GMT+5:30, Blogger The Avenger !!! said...

@ anonymous (DP)

I am glad you like the post. Please keep the comments coming in on a regular basis :-)

 
At Thursday, May 4, 2006 at 4:12:00 AM GMT+5:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love can defintely be a result of good marriage but that in no way means that a good marriage cannot be the result of love. The factors u take into account are very true. u need all that definitely...but that is love!!!...if u genuinely want someone to feel all that and do that for u not just out of obligation then that can happen only out of love...not just out of marriage...u can have a bad marriage out of two really good people but just not right for each other. Definitely love can be the result of good marriage...but it depends from person to person what love means. u need to know a person before getting married.. a couple who are friends at first and then fall in love...u think that won't succeed...it will in fact because when they were friends they wudnt care about impressing one another...the homework gets done in the process...u come to kno the real person...and eventually u fall in love and then marry...so what wud u say to that?

 
At Thursday, May 4, 2006 at 8:21:00 AM GMT+5:30, Blogger The Avenger !!! said...

@ anonymous /-

a couple who are friends at first and then fall in love...u think that won't succeed...

I HAVENT AS YET MADE ANY CLAIMS AS TO WHAT WILL WORK OR WHAT WONT.

it will in fact because when they were friends they wudnt care about impressing one another...the homework gets done in the process...u come to kno the real person...and eventually u fall in love and then marry...so what wud u say to that?

TRUE, IT HAPPENS BUT I PERSONALLY KNOW PEOPLE WHO WERE FRIENDS, FELL IN LOVE, MARRIED AND THEN GREW APART.

Like i said before its generalised version of what i feel, how you take certain aspects of it would vary from person to person.

I am glad you took the time to post your comments. Thanks very much.

 
At Thursday, May 4, 2006 at 7:03:00 PM GMT+5:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAVENT AS YET MADE ANY CLAIMS AS TO WHAT WILL WORK OR WHAT WONT.

well if u say that this is the no 1 mistake people u r claiming that it wont work...

 
At Thursday, May 4, 2006 at 7:08:00 PM GMT+5:30, Blogger The Avenger !!! said...

@anonymous /-

HAVENT AS YET MADE ANY CLAIMS AS TO WHAT WILL WORK OR WHAT WONT.

well if u say that this is the no 1 mistake people u r claiming that it wont work...

Well my friend i just said i never made a claim that a couple who are friends at first and then fall in love...that relation wont work.

Either I am not getting your point or you are not getting mine and the conversation is leading nowhere i feel

 
At Tuesday, May 9, 2006 at 3:02:00 AM GMT+5:30, Blogger Enigma said...

hm every one goesthru this dilemea atleats once in tehir life time (atmost can vary frm person to person :)) its very hard to decide upon to whom u wanna be for rest of ur life. some tiems even though all the afctors have been taken care, thinsg amy not work, some tiems most amazingly ppl work it out. so it again depends on teh individual. Hope u arrive at the right decision and have a good life ahead :)

 
At Wednesday, May 10, 2006 at 4:09:00 PM GMT+5:30, Blogger The Avenger !!! said...

@ enigma

Well madame I sure hope to. As for the time being I am enjoying my singleton status for quite some time to come and no two thoughts about that !!!

 
At Wednesday, May 24, 2006 at 7:29:00 AM GMT+5:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hallo I absolutely adore your site. You have beautiful graphics I have ever seen.
»

 
At Wednesday, May 24, 2006 at 7:40:00 AM GMT+5:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Super color scheme, I like it! Good job. Go on.
»

 
At Wednesday, May 24, 2006 at 9:15:00 AM GMT+5:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looks nice! Awesome content. Good job guys.
»

 

Post a Comment

<< Home