My world !! My space !!

Godmen and C P !!

2011-05-01T07:12:00.002+05:30

I am a big fan of C P Surendran, not because like him, I seek an identity myself but perhaps the fact that his writings are so very much spot on. Infact people with average IQ can follow what he says and identify with him. Best of all, he asks questions or throws light on facts that the common man would ask. I am yet to come across anyone who can write so fluidly..

Now why did I mention him, in the first paragraph, well the reason would be clear at the fag end of the post. Now that finally the so called GOD has been laid to rest, print media would get something else to write about. For starters, I do not need to see all the celebrities tweeting their hearts out for this man, neither do I need to see someone I immensely respect as a sports person, shed tears for him.

It was kind of shocking to see Sachin Tendulkar with moist eyes for this man, but the more I reasoned about it, the more I felt that despite having 350+gods, we STILL take refuge in godmen/women. Why do we need this? What could possibly be the reason that eastablished and the most sane people chuck everything out of their life and follow these guys ? Would I ever ? I hope I never. I mean in terms of faith, I maybe a tad lower than my better half but come what may I just don’t see myself stopping for a visit to any godman or woman no matter what.

We have come a long way from being a archaic ideaology driven caste based society to its present form. True a lot of things still need to change but I guess most of us if not all have atleast 50% less complaints from our religion, whatever it maybe as compared to our predecessors. The winds of change have mostly left us with a sense of belonging to a sect most of the time.

What has perhaps not changed et all is our dependence on godmen or intermediaries that the supporters would like to call them. Whether we need them or not is debatable of course but I cant help but chuckle everytime someone advises me about any such folks. Maybe I am the lucky one, I just had to pray and my problems were resolved. I still feel more at peace going to a temple and sitting around than going to a satsang or prancing around showing my faith. I certainly hope I stay like that till I go six feet under …

And now as a parting thought let me leave you guys with this article, which would give reasons for my first para, ask a few questions to both supporters and detractors alike and hopefully leave you smiling if not a chukle …

http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/India-Circus/entry/why-does-sathya-sai-baba-need-a-ventilation-system

World Cup Encounters !!

2011-04-06T00:47:00.007+05:30

So after a gap of 28 years we got the World Cup. I would be lying if I said I did not utter a prayer, hoping we get the cup this time not for anyone but for Sachin. Somewhere deep down, I very strongly felt that he is worthy of holding the world cup before he retires. The youthfulness that he has, I sure hope it (the retirement) does not happen anytime soon.

Another player I absolutely loved watching this tournament was Yuvraj, it sure was a treat and I hope after his partying and such activities he gets back to the game and keeps giving it his best as he did this tournament. Lastly the person we all love to trash Sreesanth. You might end up saying he is a lucky mascot but more than being a mascot, I think he is lucky himself as luck would have it we ended up on the winning side and he got himself a crore rupees + a villa worth 55 lacs for being such a poor sport.

The only think I feel probably didn’t go well was the fact that I ended up arguing and finally breaking off all ties with an old mate. Well it took me sometime to do that, but I guess he had it coming. We all can act pretty immature when young but for some experience and age does not contribute to any sort of maturity if et all. They all like to live in their so own world guided by lethargic principles and their demented concepts and composure. It was crazy, with me tweeting and being constantly on Facebook and at the same time responding to their stupid messages and emails.

I for starters have a very thin margin of error for such retarded folks and I guess that is what showed up that day. Coming in uninvited, making a totally irresponsible if not pathetic comment and using a public forum to voice what I see as a stupid line of thought was too much I could take. I had to give it back and I did which eventually lead to this, but I can safely say, it never made me feel I went overboard. For now I am glad I don’t have to talk to or act normal with this person and that’s pretty much what matters to me.

Life is looking good, I am getting back to my passions be it reading or just walking around aimlessly. I have a few wants here and there, which are going to be taken care of albeit in due course. I have a few ideas up my sleeve and I am glad I have started to work on them in some ways if not all. I look forward to each day and every trial and tribulation that comes I am confident of facing it as and when it happens...

Is it just the new me or has some bug bit me ... Aah I don’t know and honestly I don’t care as the truth is ... I am LOVING it ...

Successful !!!

2010-12-08T05:25:00.002+05:30

what would you define as success ? is there a well thought and defined success title? I mean when would you say I am successful? does wealth or title or other such monetary belongings define success? Do you feel you are successful? I am dealing with questions like this a lot these days. I am also dealing with what is known as attitude. Do I have the attitude to succeed? Do I have an "attitude" or can I ever get to a point where my attitude takes me where I wish to go ?

Truth be told, I don’t feel I am successful, but neither do I feel I have failed. given the choices, I made the best of the opportunities that were presented to me and while, I did falter, I have had my fair share of success. If being pulled down and yet being able to surface and keep yourself alive defines or can be taken as an essential part of success then yes I am successful. On the other hand, job title, monetary and other such benefits defines success then maybe I am not successful. I was never lucky enough to boast of a bank balance, but if I am asked whether I have enjoyed life, then yes, I have and anyone who knows me will vouch for that.

In fact, I had zeroes in my account as I had student loans and other such expenses to pay (how important or necessary were they would be the topic of an all together different blog post) but then I got married and I realized that my life pretty much of a zero till then could and did change. It was a welcome change because now what looked impossible to me seems possible.

It’s a combination of these that lead me to think what success would mean to me or how would I define success and whether I am successful. It also leads me to think what my attitude is like, and how good or better it has become and if it’s not, what do I need to change and how ? If I ever get around to changing myself what would the change be like? would I be happy being successful in everyone's eyes and a forced one for me ? or would I be happy if I consider myself successful while the world does not ? If I ever have kids ( I want to but I don't know if I would ever) would they judge me by my eyes or that would bring a third kinda reasoning I would need to consider?

While I would never let myself falter in something I pick up, of lately I have began to notice that more than challenges, I prefer certainty. I like the prospect of taking the same route to go to work, the bank of whatever I am doing, than trying stunts or maybe take a calculated risk ( e.g. invest in stocks). Is that just me or is it age that’s catching up? Sure thing I have spent quite a few months mulling over this fact but as of yet, I do not have a respite. I do consider myself lucky, I have got most if not all of what I wanted, but my worry is my list of wants seem to grow while my chances of getting them in this life type seem to ebb. it's toxic and this elegant (if I could ever say so) mulch which was supposed to do good is slowly eating away inch by inch with time ...

it remains to be seen, if I would ever gather my thoughts, get over my trepidation and perhaps get a definite answer for now I am trying to float and I am hoping as the storm breezes over I might just find a new land, a new beginning or more importantly a meaning in this lifeless pursuit... amen .....

Crash Land ...

2010-08-28T09:51:00.005+05:30

Hop, Skip and Jump, if i could ever describe my career in 3 words, this would be it. The eternal crests and troughs, as i go through the different phases of a professional career. Which reminds me, how many of you guys actually burn out as much as I do or maybe even faster?

Its going to be 3 years since i first came to this country. Time sure flies, in this time period, i hopped from being a consultant to a full time employee skipped as i fought hard to win a losing battle which was to face an imminent lay off, joined another tech major only to get "REDDIED" that i finally landed up where i am right now. 3 years, 4 employers and people yet believe, we guys are taking away jobs, when the truth is, its a vicious circle and it takes more than guts to survive.

I wish i had it easy. At times i really do, but i know for sure, that if I was supposed to have it so easy, i might not even try to survive as much as i do now. Now that makes sense to me, unless it really consumes me, i lose interest faster than a stressed out woman, who is given a no limits credit card to shop.

As i leave out the cosy confines of Ohio, i look out and suddenly i realize, it is beautiful, much beautiful that i thought. The early morning sun ain't playing any games, and the beautiful forests on either side of the interstate don their hats of fog in all their splendor. I actually want to stop and take a few snaps, but I am afraid, if I change my mind, I might just head back home and forget about relocation and this new position all together.

And then it happens. I am jolted back from sleep, kaput!!! the dream is over and with that all my major plans, i had been making. It does not matter if its not my fault. If someone took as much as 1 month to roll out an offer and 2 months to even begun processing my transfer application. In the end, a budget cut made all the difference and I was left holding onto an offer letter which is perhaps worth as much as a toilet paper.

I might have seen it coming, but if i did i think i overlooked it. Even in corporate america, people do actually make you an offer and then conveniently refuse to honor it. so who do i complain to now? actually no one, because the more i look at it, the more i feel that this is how it was meant to be.

I started off at a new firm, a far less glamorous role that whatever i had done so far. It keeps me busy, i don't leave work till about 7-8 in the evening. It consumes me much more than i had bargained for and most importantly, it rarely gives me the time to think about what went wrong and where. I am waiting for time, I know it heals all wounds, and i am waiting to see how long it takes.

As for now, life goes on. I suddenly miss Ohio a lot more, i have reasons to, I had a few good friends there and life was a ball at least till last month it was. But looks like god had other plans and so here I am. Hopefully this experience will make me a stronger man, if not better so lets just wait and see how it goes ...

Aah Life... here i come ....

A state of mind !!!

2010-06-09T00:07:00.003+05:30

Often at times, i have felt the need to kneel, to pray or maybe just sit around doing nothing but retrospect. In reality, i think the time is approaching. the past few days especially I feel the need to be inside myself. Leaving aside the diagnosis, the perils i will face as my life begins to form shape, a part of me right now is just longing to idle

While the exterior has taken some beating given the state of my health, the rest of the body is still fine and it would be a sheer waste of an abundant life if i do not even try to reach my potential

Having said that, somehow i feel drained, a part of me is always tired, wanting to rest, take a break, while the other half is sprinting, trying to keep the pace, move quickly and swiftly, duck and take cover cause my life depends on it. I feel like i am in one of those spy movies, where being alert and on the move is the only difference between a bullet and your temple. The rest of the time goes in tracking your prey and in preparing to be alive.

The good news being, I am not ready to give up, at least not without a fight, the bad news being, if i give up, it will take along with it 2 lives, one being mine and the other being my better half. Fortunately, every time i see her, I feel pride and if i ever happen to be a sissy it would be such a let down. So diagnosis aside, i promised i will do my best, the rest as they say is in gods hands.

I now feel more unrest than usual, we all have a definite and perhaps a short life span, and i somehow feel there is so much for me to do.. i want to do that one step at a time and i think i am on the right path and i am hoping my energies hold, i really do.

I am out in the wild my running shorts on, and the cold breeze hitting my face. I huff and puff hardly the marathon runner i used to be but hey I am getting there, i am getting the much needed push from the wind god and I have more reasons now to see the finish line early ...

After all, we all have a definite time frame and decidedly there is so much to do .....

Grudges, Stupidity, Bullshit and more ...

2010-04-04T07:42:00.002+05:30

There is at times a very good reason to hold a grudge. I know forgiveness is the new mantra for life, forgive this, forgive that and the works

Harbor bitterness and you get lose it all and the countless feel good stories based on forgiveness but you know what ? nothing makes me feel better than a well nourished grudge and quite rightly so, because everytime my grudge is bought to the surface, i tend to just rightfully pay it back with equally bitterness.

Take for example my grudge aganist my ex manager. She could not stand the fact that someone could walk away with the honors apart from her. Thus began a saga of discredit and disdain, which ended when i threw my resignation letter. For a while i thought about forgiveness but trust me everytime i tried to forgive, my alter ego came up with equally stronger reasons to give it back. Give it back i did albeit in a silent manner, when right before her very eyes, I went on to get promoted and finally fall in the same seniority grade as her. I pity her, not for skills, she is damn good technically or othewise, its just sad that to win, you end up crushing people to move ahead. I empowered people to move ahead, not crush them , Like i said before i got this position, i am in right now.. I compete with myself not with peers or with my colleagues ...

So all you people who believe in forgiveness, get on get a game and nourish a good grudge first and the pleasure you get when you give it back and then lets sit and talk about forgiveness. For all i care, I would give your petty talks two hoots and walk away ..

Ohh by the way i forgot to add the stupid flop tennis star wants to marry a twice married fraud. so what will we see next? Pakistan playing mediator in afghanistan or iraq? I have never till date ever sided with these religious guys, infact i hate them to the core but hear me out, I am no gandhian .. for all you know you try to kick my butt and depending on the circumstances, i either screw the day lights out of you or tap the dust out of my pants and wal on.. but consider this

So what clinched the deal? Money ? Status ? Privileges ? Or All ?

You ask me, I would say its such a shame.

Is there a dearth of equally if not better qualified people from your own sect within our country ?

You were born here, raised here, got every single government benefit, endorsements and the works and then this?

Critics might want to pan me saying It's personal, yeah maybe it is, but what about the countless who lost their lives in the terrorist attacks from the past year? Can you ever forget Major Unnikrishnan, Captain Saurabh Kalia, Or Major Manish Pitambare. Do you have any sense of equality, you want to cross borders and sync up with the very people who instigated, supported and encouraged this slaughter?

Sure our twice married, jihadi hero is in love a second time and that too when the first one is still around. I say here is what we should do. Throw her out, revoke her citizenship and throw every single f^^^^^ who sides with these infidels. The moment we do this, the country is freed and our state remains for the people it actually belongs too.

I could write more, quite honestly but as i said its personal, this blog is personal and my views are personal. But i am quite keen to hear if any indian worth his salt can every forgive this. I know for sure, i will hold this grudge and just as i said, I am really loving it ...

We lack the balls to ever take action and quite honestly there will be more to come .. for now sit back enjoy the mega serial this event will unfold for every as^^^^associated with this inglorious event will want to share the limelight and the media which for ever keeps us occupied with such mundane and bull shit will keep the pyre going ....

Kudos to the press for highlighting this bull shit and to both the parties involved, you all belong to the under league and quite rightly so ...

Habits ...

2010-03-20T21:14:00.001+05:30

Annoying habits, I am sure each one of us have at least one if not more but then why is this topic of interest to me now ?

Truth is every day i see annoying habits. Stuff that annoy me big time, especially now when its the end of the project and tensions and escalations are high

So what do i do to escape getting my pressure high? I go for a walk or i go and talk to a bunch of people I know can lighten me up.

But what makes it amusing is it set me thinking. I have a bunch of them myself which now as i think about it will be equally irritating for people

One of them being "Picking my nose". I probably got it from my childhood, when i was a perpetual nasal liquid guy. Skinny , all bones, i perhaps took to picking because i had so much of dried nasal fluid i could build a house with it ... you know the House of Wax kinds ... but who ever wants to stay in a house made of nasal fuild ... uggghhhh... how corny, it sounds more like a Adams family joke now ...

Now that i do not have any nasal fluid, even then the habit has remained. I sometimes feel that my brain is shrinking while my nose is expanding and why not, every time I am thinking or concentrating its not difficult to notice that my chin is getting a cleft and my hands keep moving towards my nose on and off ...

Another annoying habit i have, if i don't want to respond, i can shut my senses off completely. Which means you can rant, wave your hands, break things, hit me, do just about anything, and as long as it doesn't hurt i will continue to just do what i am doing .. Now that I know can piss many off .. My dad is a good example ...

But then as they say, there is always a payback time .. My wife is doing that job just right ... I can fret and fume and stumble and mumble about how many times I need to tell her the same thing ... she will smile .. keep her mouth shut and still end up doing just as it pleases her or rather planned ...

Anger management .. Now i think i should write about that .. cause ostensibly ... that's the next thing that should be on my target of things to do now ...

I can see my dad smile ... I know for sure he is ....

Attitude is nothing i say ...

2010-03-15T05:18:00.001+05:30

There are some things i forgot to do over the past few months. one of them was reading blogs. I mean, i didnt write much myself but its a great pleasure to read the blogs of my fellow counterparts and it set me thinking

We define attitude as everything. A right attitude can lead to this, to that and so on .. but sometimes does having just an attitude helps?

I followed the careers of my few of my friends very closely. I can safely vouch for their technical acumen and their adaptability yet somehow its interesting to note that some of them are way ahead of the others there are a few deserving who dont seem to make much progress. What could be the reason?

As we all sit around and discuss our midlife crises, it also bought to us an interesting point. Sometimes just having an attitude is not of much help. In a professional organization, not just a few instances but many a times we have to agree to things we would not normally do. You can blame it on policy, bad management or sometimes just ill luck. A few of us are fortunate to challenge old epithets and get away with it while a few of us, can just sit and sulk and pretty much do nothing about it. The situation is worse when you are a new entry to a company. You have to prove you are a chip of the old block and that frankly can be your undoing.

Moving on, i guess work wise there are 2 aspects that anyone whos keen on moving up the corporate ladder should know. One is the work aspect you need to be extremely good at your work no doubt, the other being the soft skill aspect. The need to understand the corporate hierarchy and move your ass around the ship always away from the tide touching its stern. A few of them are accomplished players .. they either know before hand the ship is going to sink because of which they jump or they realise which way its going to bend and move towards the other side. Either case some of us lose while there clearly are winners.

I am in such a soup my friend. I can be called a Maoist by people who are averse to communism and a naxalite in a free democracy but fact of the matter is I am still to learn, which way the tide is so as to be not caught unawares. Sure i see success, I see long term gains, but either case some of them are really stuff, I would never do ever again, given a chance.

All said and done the choice this time around is clearly not in my hands and till such a time comes, I have to grind my teeth and bear it all i guess. Attitude is nothing I say .. Move around guys, if you are lucky you might just fit in as some do as for most of us, we clearly never belonged ....

Am back !!!

2010-02-27T08:48:00.004+05:30

Yo guys ... after a long time I am back again, of course to rant and rave about what i feel .. So what stopped me in the first place? Well nothing much, just that the vagaries of life caught up with me and I was stuck trying to clear all the muck..

So how successful have I been, well not much .. but not bad either. For those of you who don't know me much .. I am A SINK now ... yeah .. Single Income No Kids you see .. It will be sometime before i get to DINK mode .. yeah right .. Double Income No Kids ... as wifey has to do an MS first, get a job next and then if we both have the desire get to the third stage ...

Yeah I am a family man now .. been married for 2 months .. so how does it feel .. well practically nothing much as changed except that I cant spend as much as i wish, I get warm food almost each day .. and what i used to rant on this blog, i give it to someone who's at my beck and call each day.

But seriously guys .. I am glad i found my kinda person this soon. We do have our fair share of cold wars but thankfully it doesn't last much. Lets just hope she gets into a good school for MS because the very thought of being in debt for another 3-4 years is quite frankly very scary. But then that's what this country is all about. Line of credit is what drives this country in case you didn't know ...

So lets hope i am able to put a post up atleast once a week. For my regulars, KK, ancient mariner, starcast .. dudes i am back for the rest of the cast .. watch out ... I am just starting to rant again ...

Being Indian in America

2009-09-20T20:44:00.002+05:30

We all go through those phases in life when everything seems to lost. But then it’s just a feeling, deep down you know things can change and you hope for it and more importantly you strive for it.

As I began my position with this fortune firm, I came in with zero expectations. True I was aghast I had to leave a good life behind, leave a place I loved and above all leave my friends and family behind, but 3 months since I took the plunge I have finally learnt to believe that everything happens for the best.

And just when you begin to enjoy yourself people butt in to play spoil sport. There is a strange truth about my countrymen and that is “They will never learn to mind their own business”. Trust me they never will. I mean I can’t speak for everyone truly speaking but a vast majority of them like to play “guardian angel” no matter what you think. Not to mention moral policing is a part of the act, as if morality is something I really need to learn from them.

So all said and done if I can navigate this part of the deal, I think I will be back to my normal self, but the fact remains that these stuff however trivial it may be, sometimes get me so worked up that I forget what I am here for. Thankfully she understands me a lot better and in spite of the fact that I can get under her skin with all my talks about fans and life here and future prospects not once have I ever had to listen to her complain. So you see I have a permanent silver lining at the end of each dark cloud.

So as I mull over the happenings, I rest easy. Now that I have my share of the good things in life the rest seems effortless. But easier said than done, my countrymen can never resist taking jibes at people.

If they can’t help someone at least they can leave others to do stuff that they think is best right but then remember the saying “You can only take a horse to drink .. you can’t force it”

I am not completely Americanized nor do I think I ever will, how ever I need to add, there are some things about being in America that I absolutely adore, and minding your own business is certainly one of them …

So much for being a partly Americanized Indian in America ….

A target to reach in my life time !!!

2009-08-11T03:46:00.006+05:30

she works double shifts now .. blame it on the recession .. even government firms are not hiring .. not just that your options are pretty much limited. just like the western countries, age and experience are being frowned upon. Well maybe not in all cases but surely to an extent.

Sure i do not have any official word on this, nor would i care because quite frankly i would just go with her word on this. i do not see a reason as to why at an age when she should be playing with her grand kids each of them adorable and equally demanding.. she works 12 - 14 hours shifts

I would dare not ask her like i do to some that if its not estimated well and takes more effort then its not your problem but the project managers as I usually do .. i would dare not ask her why is she so concerned about her job when government firms are notorious for lethargic workers and bureaucracy and where strictly a 9-5 job still remains the norm.i would dare not ask her to settle into retirement and rest her tired feet and i would dare not ask her why she needs the money as anything she needs i can send .. you know why ?

Its because I am her product. As i sit and crib and balk about inefficient project managers, bottom huggers as colleagues and large scale groupism from certain sections of my own community who seem to be everywhere around here , i realise she does not even have half the comforts that i am getting

She sits under a 1940's ceiling fan, that still needs a huff and puff to get started, she works with archaic documents and volumes that require looking into multiple sources for single entry and worst of all she still takes the peak hour squishy trains to get to work.

I am her product yet i do not look half refreshed at the end of a 12 hour shift most of which i spend staring at a blue machine .. i drive a sedan to work and i sit in an air conditioned cube with tools to get information with a few clicks, yet i am more worried, more tired and far older for my age. as for the money, if i am not mistaken, I roughly make about 6 times the amount she makes post taxes ...

As i muddle to get through another working day, i look back and see her face, its radiant, its charming and she is all geared up to face another day. Her energies are all cdirected towards what comes next and how to tackle it, yesterday is gone, tommorrow might never come and today is what is true .. today demands her attention and thats pretty much about it

I i cant mimic her atleast to some extent, what a sad case it would be ... This one is for you "Mom" if i ever become even half as successful as you are, I would consider it to be a life well spent ....

Here's Wishing you a very Happy Birthday Mom ....

End of a "Hiatus"

2009-07-26T20:16:00.005+05:30

After a bigggggg hiatus, I am back. When you write as a part of a bigger team, you tend to get lost with the crowd, and now that i have scared the regulars away, i thought this would be a good time to get back to my first one and so here I am.....

Friday marked, the second week of my tumultous journey in US of A. I had jumped from a sweat shop to a "american" company and now i am back to the grind with another sweat shop. Personally for me the change has been BIG, but I am not complaining. In a country where job losses happen faster than you change your pants, and being recession time, I have a job and yeah I am "in status" .. so what the heck can you ever complain for ?? ...

So i like this new place, rent is cheap, vast open spaces, straight roads ( just hold the steering wheel in place, even if you are drunk silly ... you would reach home). Apart from that as long as you know a smattering of indian languages like i do ... you would be fine .. all you need to do is flip from "moooooooooo" to an indy language and you can get along just fine. ( of course lots of desis, and cows and bulls being the only people around also helps ...)

So i am starting off again, new job, new place , new people and new work ethics, where mixing of business and personal life is a surety and no topic, however personal it may be being out of bounds. Compare that to the american way of life where work is just business and business and personal life is not mixed ever, the change is immense.

I am unsure which one i prefer because sometimes ineveitably work and personal life tend to fuse together albeit for a short time, its during those moments i would rather want to see a human face than something thats deviod of emotions. Of course that also means, I tend to keep things to myself and am in no hurry to open up, try as much as people do to open the clam shell.

Thankfully a new place also has a lot of charm to it so i do have my hands full trying to figure where can i get what and so on ... I due hope this transition is a short one and i do not hang around a lot either at this place or with this fortune company so i guess keeping myself occupied would be the best way to be ahead in the game ...

So now that my cuppa of cappuccino is over, its time to head over to the gate, i can hear my name being called and if i am not on it, i will miss the flight. I promise i will write in as reglarly as i can and if you guys can get hang of my sense of humour I can bet you would be back as soon as i post ....

Have a good "working week" ahead ....

Why?

2009-04-03T15:45:00.001+05:30

Dear God,

I am not a bad person, I am human..

I believe in marriage, as I found the right one

I believe It will last, as I know It takes two to tango...

I like to smile, as I have learnt to laugh my worries away

I don't seek to control, as I have learnt to set free and be free

I don’t Intend to cheat, as I believe In honesty Is the best policy

I know I am just, I just need to evaluate myself the same way

I know I have a heart, as I have It scratched every now and then..

I am competitive, I can lose miserably to all kids almost every time

I don’t give forgiveness, I pardon most issues 24 hrs after they happened

I don’t believe In astrology, There is zero truth in what my star sign has to say..

I am proud, I come up the hard way and I believe in myself and my roots

I am always willing to do what it takes, because an effort is never wasted if the intention to begin with is right

THEN ....

WHY AM I TRYING TO BE IN CONTROL

THEN WHY AM I SO ANTSY ABOUT SUCH TRIVIAL THINGS ??

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME OR IS IT MY SPECIAL DAY ??

Where is my job ?

2009-02-05T09:42:00.002+05:30

The other day I got zonked. Well for someone who strictly does not follow the 9-5 rule, being zonked is a big deal. In my professional life so far err well maybe not at the start, I have been a stickler for time. Now time in that sense according to me just means deliver when you said you would and hey if you make promises on my behalf, I would just stand up and say “dude .. its not me !!

But then everyone knows office politics and what’s it all about and the little ones who cant play politics will soon be drilled by the fire sergeant to do so as is happening in my case. So getting zonked was a kinda time bomb in the waiting ..

I wish the weekend would come soon .. no not that I have any plans as such, but it’s for a working lunch and boy I can really do with some great home cooked food because for the past 2 weeks I have been surviving on Oats and cereals and fruits alone. Now if my already shrinking waist wasn’t good enough, even my attention pattern seems to be dwindling. The positive aspect, I am asleep the moment my head touches the pillow.

Anyways thanks to the recession and job cuts I have had enough issues trying to save my ass and if that was not enough, I really have some tall accomplishments to be made this quarter. Not that I am hoping to achieve all of them, at least 2 seem impossible to me at this point of time but yet, I would rather try and achieve them then just give up as yet and yeah they changed the damn rule which means I will be appraised every quarter and the sum of which will ultimately give me a 50$ hike in my monthly pay check. Whoever thinks they are much worse off would seem to glow in the midst of our terrible irony …

So as I fight to save my ass, my job and yeah my receding hairline, I just hope you guys are having a wonderful time. In part a big thanks to viva, humpee and yeah KR…it really did take a lecture from you guys to get me away from hibernation but then as I write this post, I want to let out another secret hehehe, I have been blogging on another site from quite some time now and that’s why the step motherly treatment to this blog LOLZZ

So for the regular’s and the not so regular’s I am on the firing line here and I have 2 options now before me, either stand in and be safe or stand out and perish. Which means put on your dancing shoes cause you have to dance to the tune of people who manage you, get out your happy dent smile, because you need to show you brush and you are ok, when deep down you are screaming “B^^^^^^^ F^^^^^^” and last but not the least, leave at least 20 minutes after your boss leaves and arrive 20 minutes before he does so that you are deemed as hard working.

At the end of all this blame game either of the 2 things can happen. I will turn out to be a jerk like the ones I have to deal with in and out each day or I have started my own business the idea for which is still forming and so are the finances and the expertise and the urge and the ……ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Good night guys, sleep tight and yeah have a great working errr great weekend ahead …..

My World This Week !!!

2008-11-15T06:06:00.003+05:30

Its exactly a month before i take a vacation and in that time frame there are lot of changes happening like for instance .....

1. i am growing a beard, i dont know if i am giving osama any competition. i am just kinda forming a layer of hair actually but then add to that my skin color and my "err asian" looks i get my fair share of cops and wary eyes watching me when i go to the airport or visit the train station.

2. i am on a shopping spree and i see myself scouting the newspapers and bargain outlets for deals all the time. which explains why i tend to leave office at 6 in the evening each workday and return by 10.00 empty handed or otherwise.

3. To complement my beard, i have a mop of hair. i keep twisting and turning them around to cover the uggh not so covered areas. basically anything to keep myself from appearing bald, but then if wishes were horses, beggars would fly ...

4. i am rediscovering my old wardrobe, somehow a beard and formals never go hand in hand, they look best with faded jeans and a tee as i just realised. way to go pal .....

5. Tabasco sauce tastes better with everything. Its only when after a few hours or mins that you feel the heat do you realise what burning sensation is all about.

6. Cleaning out the garage is akin to cleaning out the refridgerator. Both have equal amounts of junk in it, except that garage sales over ebay can make you richer unlike the fridge

7. i can be a jerk well not that i was any better but i am the only ass at the LLS society who has refused "Blue Ice" a date twice. I am not desperate for a relation and i dont want an arm candy ...

8. New York is great, but SFO is better, my teeth dont chatter and my nose does not hurt. It gets a bit too sunny at times but I can still wear shorts and show off my skinny legs if not anything else

9. Teddy bears are not for kids, if a teddy keeps staring at you as you wake up each day, you will soon fall in love with it as i just realised.

10. Buy the same number of gifts unless you want to see a mini world war at home. Dont' believe me wait till you have 2 nieces who are "bold and beautiful" and follow Chinese martial arts to the core !!!

Ahh The Times !!!

2008-11-03T20:41:00.004+05:30

Ohhhh the feeling is back, its finally the time when ....

1. People all around me shower me with advice and judgments from reel/real life and all i am
supposed to do is pick up the tab

2. When to retain my sanity and to not let my parents down i bob my head up and down to show
i understand every word of it, when in reality i am just being polite. Being polite is quickly understood as being either retarded or in dire need of help and advice and the story continues ....

3. I look at my old apartment and memories flood in and i realise being nice i was just ripped off 500$ by way of deposit money. Money that would have reduced the numerous loans i keep paying

4. I walk around hoping to watch the scenary, and i find i am increasingly lead back to my growing up years in one of the sprawling cities thats already bursting at its seams ...

5. That its been 17 days and 5 hrs when i have been sleeping when everyone's awake and working when everyone's asleep ..

6. I am juggling my gift list, bills and my laundary list faster than "Hussain Bolt" did his 100/200 meters since the "free time" time period just got shorter by 1/4th of its original time frame.

7. I know what a merry go around is, since i seem to be back to square one when it comes to taking a very important decision in my life.

8. That i am being considered "amoral" since i went out with a friend i knew from college days and secondly since I do not want to begin a relationship with her because
- i am past my prime for these hilly dilly romances ...
- she is already reeling under the after effects of a "relation"
- I don't feel i am in love with her and trying to start something is akin to taking advantage of the "Being Vunerable" feeling that she is going through..

ohh btw vids had to give me a piece of her mind for my last stance and i am yet to understand where am i wrong ...

8. I just reached my expiry date today ... "Happy Birthday" to me ...

All this and that !!!

2008-10-07T11:12:00.005+05:30

so what’s happening guys, I have to admit, I did miss familiar feeling but I was neck deep in trouble all the while be it work or otherwise. So finally my scripts are ready, the code works just great, the unit tests if there ever was one will print super results and more importantly a host of people who have their mouths open on looking at this piece of work, would finally have the insight to shut them close.

so what did I do apart from work? played less, hit the road countless times, backed into a parked Honda and went 90 mph on a 45 mile zone because I had a presentation to make which was just minutes away from its start. so once the after effects of mom’s departure to New York were dulled, I decided to shift from my present apartment. You see I liked the sea facing apartment very much, but considering the fact that I am as smart with my money as a 2 year old would be with a brand new iphone, I realized for once I need to use the nonexistent grey cells and perhaps move over to a cheaper or a more spacious place.

Wrestling out the last piece of furniture I was nostalgic as the truck I was driving hit the paved road, but for once I had made a difficult decision and was done with it pretty quick. 2 days - 10 hours of cleansing and my new apartment is ready ( I share it with a roomie ), I parted the drapes to get a clearer view of the lagoon the balcony faces and I looked back happily at the kayak ready for its initial plunge into its greenish backwaters. My eyes wander around taking in the serenity ...everything is neat and well arranged ...AND Something tells me I am ready ....

So much for work, I also went on my first date err... yeah ... was chirpy whenever she was around and add to it, was the laughter. So I kinda assumed if she is so dumb to laugh at my stupidest joke, hell she can laugh pretty much as hard as I do. So finally got some dum in my bum ( non linguistic readers, please don’t ask me what it means though please) and asked her out. Yeah yeah it took me 2 weeks, to finally get around to that and boy we had fun...But you know what, I am rapidly reaching the expiry date ( err the marriage date) so I guess this dating and stuff will soon die its normal death just as much as loafing around during teenage years did ...

I also was fortunate enough to "Eat" soup at my friends place. You see some of the curries we make can really get hot and my good friend in an effort to match the small Sunday afternoon lunch at my place called me over to sample some of her delicacy. I admit, my appetite died after the first few morsels, but hey I cleaned my plate pretty much as I don’t like to waste food and more so, I believed the effort put in was pretty much worth the trouble. So readers who are total foodies like me, please do tell your friends that corn starch doesn’t need to be spoonful for making soup for 2, half a spoon will do the trick, or else we would have corn cake instead of corn soup as my friend found out ....( now you get the "ate" soup picture ...??)

I have a truckload of clothes I need to iron out. Given my propensity to get up exactly 5 minutes to 9 each morning and rush through to make it to office by 10, I kinda figured Tee and Jerseys make up for what is termed as business casuals. Consequently it’s not hard to figure me out from the crowd. I am the only guy in office who can land up in a tee and jeans even on a Monday morning...

So finally ...

I promise, I will do some laundry this week ....

I promised I will work on improving my handwriting..

I also promise, I will spend less and earn more ..

Same goes for work less and chill out ... (yawnnn....)

I also promise ....... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(thank you for reading so far ... :) )

Seeing Zeroes !!!

2008-08-13T23:44:00.006+05:30

It’s the time of the day when the number games seems to loom large. Don’t know what I mean, well I am talking about the zeroes you see in your bank account. Ohh wait a minute, it’s not that easy either, I need to be specific like free checking, savings, student savings etc etc… man I tell you this country has such a complicated system at times I can’t figure out if they are referring to my toes or my thumb at times …

Maybe that’s reason enough for me to want to go back to school I guess. Yeah right, they won’t teach me how to identify my toe from my thumb, I guess I can do that myself if required to, but surely they will teach me to lay on such a verbal diarrhea that if not confused myself, it will surely confuse confuse himself… whoa man I guess I am getting there ..….

So coming back to the point, I logged back to my account to check my balance and I realized I have more “0” in my account than I had anticipated, at first a feeling of elation hit me thinking my pay check has arrived and then …

Ohh wait a minute its only the middle of the month, who the hell pays you out before your biweekly pay period closes in, I wondered, then panicked, did I lose my job, I tell you in this country getting a pink slip is as easy as shopping at walmart and with the recession in and merger that just happened, don’t blame my mind for working overtime .. suddenly all the negativity in the world was well within my reach and then I realized I was looking at the wrong figure ….

The title said …. You have been preapproved for a credit card with minimum limit of 7_ _ _ _

Man I tell you I am growing old … I really am …. And i didn't even have to enter the misery club ( i.e. marriage) to feel so ....

My Mother !!!

2008-07-07T06:09:00.003+05:30

I am staring at her, as she goes about her chores with amazing ease. Truth be told, the more i look at her, the more enamored i am with her sheer guts and tenacity. Sometimes i wonder how i didnt learn this from her, i mean she was my earliest teacher and its so pathetic that the very skills i adore in her are some how not just in the huge quantity that it should be...

On a serious note i was forced to think, and on a funny note i REALIZED ....

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just 2 more days and then its your vacation time :)."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

" Sasi ettan is coming home tomorrow, Be prepared to receive what you deserve"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"Ninne innu njan sheri aaki teram ( aka ... i will set you straight today, just wait .. )"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"Money does not grow on trees, go and ask your dad for it"

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"Its not the air that reeks, its your socks"

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"Its just a short walk and i look at my watch and realise we have been walking for the past 30 mins"

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"Dont Study, you can join those gangsta boys and waste your life "

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"My shorts were always a size bigger"

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"Dont talk like your father"

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Finish your meal, you are not ambani's son in case you dont know :)"

Ps: Thanks Bizzworks for giving me this template :)

I am ready !!!

2008-07-03T09:22:00.005+05:30

Seemingly headless runaways stare at me, each enticing me with its own bounties. You know of a mirage don’t you, they all seem so good to be true yet you are attracted.

But they are just factual, they moment you rush towards them thinking its real, they disappear. I think I am staring at quite a few mirages these days. They seem to engulf each part of my life, from work to marriage to finances to prospects and so on.

Yet I know there is just one way for me to go and just one way that can lead me to where I need to go. The rest are "attractive distractions" or better put it’s a test for my senses and more so my decision making ability as its out to challenge the very principles I live my life by….

As I mull over these thoughts, I spend some time to look at the bright side of things. I am involved in something about which I will blog soon, my parents are visiting and my project is on track. So apart from the occasional talks about marriage and the seemingly endless tests I endure each day, I think I am doing fine.

Sure my heart blows out as I encounter these phobias that get on me each day but I guess, just as I am having my quarter-life crisis, this too will bail out. I just need to take it easy and carry on with my stuff, that’s the only way to beat them at their own game..

Asi think about it I realize this has been an eventful month. The first half began with promises and the later half saw some being broken. The question here is how strong am I to withstand these winds that blow against me.

Honestly I don’t know how good if at all I am, but all I do know is, I am up for it and for me, it’s better to go down fighting than cower behind

So I am ready, ready for it, ready for the test and ready for whatever comes. And as I seek ways to fulfill my ambitions and fight the phobias I do know that more than the outcome it’s the fact that I tried that will keep my spirit alive and by writing down my line of thought, I am just sending out the strongest signal to anyone who is listening including my inner self, that I really intend to do that…

This week and the next !!!

2008-05-28T04:21:00.005+05:30

I have been getting this urge to write from quite a long time, but fact is, the moment, I sit with the pen and paper (traditional style) or windows word facing me, my mind goes blank. This is so typical of me you see. Here I am all of but 2* years of age, brimming with enthu, all daring and set to go, and then for reasons unknown I just put them down and pick up something else.

Anyways I had a busy weekend and work apart, I had a smattering of issues to tackle. It’s been a pain in the b*** to get some stuff done and the more I delay it the worse it seems to get. So there I am early morning 10.00 waiting for an update from Ms Know all when what was expected was an informal email, documenting the results I had asked for.

To top it all with food in the mouth, all I can hear is a whoosh here a scoop there as I am busy trying to dodge those missiles flying out while at the same time look professional. Then followed vigorous hand movements emphasizing the points and all the time, the can of soda bobbed up and down like a buoy, click I hear a snap and better sense mandated, I step out of the cube least I get a soda bath ….. . I could bet the housekeeping lady would certainly be all steam tonight on account of having to clean the carpet ….

This reminds me a friend of mine has started her own website. Dudes and dudettes ( if ever there was one word as such), feel free to link onto Tia here.

Disclaimer: Enter at your own risk !!!

3 days, 1 car err sorry SUV and 2 bored guys. One a handsome bored young man ( me of course) and the other a 40 something Amitabh Bacchan who thinks he is Antonio Banderas and of course a world authority on anything Mexican ever since he moved to San Diego errr its Saaaan Deeeyaagooo Senor !!!

So bottom line, he wants to track his so called lineage (just kidding) which mandates me driving him 100 miles north of here to a quaint place called San Juan Bautista. We had a good time, he getting drunk and sleeping for the most part of the 3 hour back and forth journey and the 5 hours we spent in San Juan.

As for me there aint any better pleasure than driving at top speed, with an SUV at my command, enjoying the view and going clickety click click. For a change I liked “A” few snaps of mine that someone else clicked :)) …. (reminds me, heyy senorrr, the photos are coming in to saaan deeeyagoo by Friday …) The town is great, just a quaint old town, dotted with little houses on either side, followed by an 1800 built sacristy. I am not a museum freak and frankly more than the little artifacts of history, it was the simplicity that regaled my senses.

The flip side, with so much of eating out, I hear a rumble and then everything flows. Thank god, I skipped dinner last night else it would have been a mayhem trying to juggle work life with these so called frequent bouts of sitting on the you know where….

And yes i discovered this song and frankly, i could just relate to it big time, catch the song here and the lyrics here

But having said that you know the best part, this week is almost over and the next week will be swifter. Had it not been for the huge travel time almost half the time to travel from my hometown to US, I would have spent the weekend there, with my parents and dad’s already complaining I am taking longer than usual to be there with them. Plus my brother graduates from a top league Ivy School and it’s my turn to watch with pride as he walks down the aisle wearing the gown and the satisfied smile on his face.

Eventful week and a more eventful one is on its way. No wonder I am flying in the air waiting for the days to just pass by ….

New Hampshire, here I come ……

Today i lost it all !!!

2008-05-12T20:13:00.006+05:30

Today I lost it all, the count, the euphoria, the hope .. the works …

Today I lost it all …..

Gone is my peace, gone is my confidence,

I sometimes wonder, all this over a single incident???

If it was so fragile, how can I ever be agile?

Is it so difficult to learn from the incident …

THAT ….

If it’s so dependent, I would NEVER ever be independent !!!

Taken for Granted !!!

2008-04-20T23:23:00.004+05:30

S says …

Need some help, can you pick me up from Hillsdale Caltrain …

What it means is …

I will land in the middle of the day, and you will need to sneak out from a meeting to drive 6 miles to and fro to do the needful

S says …

You got quarters…..

What it means is …

I am going to clean out the coin box of your car, so please add more quarters in to pay the toll …

S says ….

I am reaching home, please wait for me. Going to the cal train station is expensive …

What it mean is

My back soon will last anytime from 45-60 minutes. I don’t want to pay $$ for the taxi, and $$ for the Cal Train, when I can hitch a free ride to San José in your car …

S says ...

So what plans for the dinner??

What it means is

I am hungry, haul your ass up here from office and cook something, it’s already 8.00 pm and I am hungry

S says ...

I feel like having XYZ for dinner??

What it means is

Please make XYZ for Lunch/Dinner? We will share the costs !! I will add the pennies to make it even and you can drive all around town to find the ingredients. I believe "gas" (err Petrol ..) to drive the car comes free with my request and if not just add some water to make it run faster ..

I think being accommodative is a crime, especially since these kinda people for one

1. Spot me even in a crowd and

2. Tend to latch on and somehow suck the last piece of chivalry I have left…

which makes me wonder whatever happened to the “dominant” character ….???

Names Literally !!!

2008-04-12T06:07:00.002+05:30

For all my country men !!!

It’s amazing how English names turn out to be a laugh riot when taken the literal meaning in our local dialects.

Take for example …

People I work with

Ding Ding Mary Hou ( no that’s not a prayer to mother mary, it’s a person. But yet I admit it kinda resembles Jai Jai Shiv Shankar ……)

Maire Barber (Don’t ask a mallu ever what “maire” means, unless you are out on a suicide mission )

Pei Le Chong ( The classic pee ley chong in hindi)

People I talked to

Hai Yan Wu (How do I say a Hi to this guy, and even if I do would he understand?)

Mai Ki Tang (Are baba, lets not touch this area !! shiva shiva, karmam karmam !!!)

Jon Guu ( Now if we translate his last name in hindi, it would be so gross)

Velichadi Karun (The first name has a special significance in Malayalam tho)

And last but not the least someone I interviewed

Hang Bang Dang !!! (You know someone the trigger happy types when you read this name !!! )

No wonder, the last 2 days have been so very pleasant for me !!!

PS: This post is not to offend anyone or any country, caste etc etc. Readers are advised to take the post with a pinch of salt or better still as the ramblings of a demented mind, either ways it suits me just fine !!!

New ..Newer ..Foolish .. ME

2008-04-09T11:25:00.001+05:30

And if all the heat in this part of the world was not enough, I went and did the same thing I am so famous for.

Hell no it wasn’t the beer that did me in, but if there is anything that puts me to sleep faster than the marathon meetings we have (yep 3 hour status meets) a time frame in which I can spill lock, stock and barrel my entire life story…

Notice how much I love the word marathon these days? Everything seems marathon of lately, the running, the status meet, the list of people who express interest in my profile, the bills, in fact everything is, except for the pay check, which probably may never be marathon size as my wants are something even the word “marathon” cannot quantify…

So coming to the point, I went in to get a hair cut and as usual my propensity to doze took over. With work that leaves me just enough time to catch a breath, sleeping as been easy as also the tendency to fall off the chair at the slightest time gap. All I do remember is telling the hair stylist I need a short hairdo and something that’s easy to manage and keep. The result, I look different but that surely has nothing to do with the hair cut, rather it has a lot to do with my trying real hard to fill in the gaps, if you know what I mean….

The positive side, the Dove hair gel that had gathered enough dust to be classified as a toxic chemical saw the light of the day and at present being put to good use. It will be a full month before I can heave a sigh of relief once again and in the mean time I sure hope no one notices and even if they do don’t comment on the new … newer .. foolish .. ME…

Adventures of a Demented Mind !!!

2008-04-01T04:59:00.003+05:30

Statement 1: An average runner like me runs 2 miles, 3 days a week.

Statement 2: Running requires lot of stamina.

Conclusion: An average runner like me will have a tough time running 3 miles each day.

Statement 1: BEER makes you lose your inhibitions and ahem ahem many other things I am not sure of.

Statement 2: BEER gave me the stamina to run 7 miles or a mini marathon on a single day non stop.

Conclusion: Drink beer for stamina and definitely before a marathon race.

Warning: The statements above are made from personal experiences and hence the owner/author makes no guarantees implied, direct or otherwise. Readers are advised caution and large doses of common sense before acting on the advice.

Ohh btw I am not a regular drinker. I am not an irregular drinker either, I know my capacity and I know when to drink and how much and before whom. Best put I don’t like to drink, but the more I think of it especially my jaunts over this weekend, the more I realize, I don’t hate drinking.

Buttttttttt….. when you crawl out of the sleeping bag in the middle of the night in your pajamas because that freakin son of a gun “chinka” has left the heater at 78 deg and you run out of snacks, a barrel of beer seems inviting, very very inviting as I realized much later …

I think it’s good they don’t have gun control here. So now I have this incentive of buying a cheapo country type gun and just watch his head being blown off, call it a mistake and finally make him apologize on national television, by putting the country gun to good use….. it’s the beer I say ….

God save the queen err the king no it’s my house mate, or perhaps the land lord or his cat … ummm (tweaking the country gun) the list is growing …. ……

Attoroshious !!! :))

2008-03-20T23:43:00.003+05:30

one of those lines read ...

I m very beatiful,cute,glamerous,attoroshious,self motivated.,well educated

and i thought ....

I see the "well educated" seems such a hyperbole at this point of time

"self motivated" is so obvious, this line is all about synonms you associate yourself with

"glamerous" truly so, i am enamored each second i read those lines ...

"attoroshious" how perfect , you read my mind and my feelings

as for being cute and beautiful, i would rather not seep into those areas least they

all seem such a heavy weight package of someone who happens to be a

attoroshiously well educated, glamerously self motivated cute beauty...

My apologies, but i am not sure I can handle that, i really am not sure :))

The smile !!!

2008-03-07T12:35:00.002+05:30

I am on sale, yep I mean it, my parents have had enough of me and hence I have been put up on sale. Well for the less inclined, I have been asked to fill in the forms for an exclusive membership to the “misery club”.

Yep you guessed it right, word is out that my joyous days as a singleton should end soon and I be the next sacrificial lamb. When I was confronted with this issue as I was running around for my twin’s marriage and one of those nosy aaanddy (aunty) spotted me and made discrete inquiries, I replied with an emphatic NO.

“I am still young, just have begun to enjoy life, have no money, no house, have an education loan to pay off, need to come up the seniority ladder the list of reasons was endless….

In truth, it scared the hell out of me. Leave behind my independence? To actually stand the scrutiny of nosy aaantiess and ungless (the mallu way), answer pesky questions like why I came back from UK, when will my bro take me to US (as if he has started a cottage industry to give out visas for US) and last but not the least how much money I make?

I refused to be a part of the tirade and cleverly avoided all such questions. Thankfully my parents stood by me and let me decide. I cleverly took an escape bait called “time”.

Today KP called, its his turn to enter the misery club and to talk about KP we both have been chaddi dosts, gawking and singing and dancing and bunking and fooling around all through college, same class, same bench, why even our surnames were the same and small wonder we were stacked one behind the other even at university exams.

I remember how our last talk he mentioned how girls with a bachelors would reject him and then would turn his ire to me and say, you F#####s have spoilt the whole thing called marriage. Everyone wants a techie on account of the money they make and the prestige attached to their position, no one wants a media professional like me !!! …. quite rightly disgusted

Then the acrid smell got to me, suddenly the whole place smelt like shit and I was in no doubt who could be responsible for the putrid smell. My chinese roomie was out on his daily cooking rounds

Kya sooch raha hai bhiddu R asked, and I said kuch nahi re aaise hi

He laughed and then I realized he had asked me something else and the whole q and ans scene was my figment of imagination :)).

“No no.....what’s this KM site all about he asked, shaadi kab hai he inquired

I blinked. Maybe that whatever is left of my receding hair line has made him ask this or perhaps its time for him to begin his second innings since he has reached his forties.

seeing my zapped stance and starry looks he mentioned how much he loves the mallu aviyal and the sadya (traditional feast) and how its almost time to taste them once again and smacked his lips

I said dekte hai re, poora feast bannane mujhe nahi aata, but try karunga and he laughed his guts out, believe me he laughed till his eyes watered and he and S who had joined him mentioned they were talking about wedding feasts in particular

I smiled – and I mean it – I actually smiled.

Guess being on sale cant be that bad especially now when your chaddi dosts have also seem to have taken the bait !!!!

Join me as we put our hands together for KP to welcome him as the latest entrant to the “misery club...

As for me dudes and dudettes .... wish me luck for as its my turn next ...

Random Thoughts !!!

2008-02-03T14:15:00.000+05:30

Phase 1: You have friends for everything. Yeah true, You make friends like a snap it was easy, dn’t even need to try nor ooze all sugar and honey, we all just stuck together like we were meant to be…

You can never forget those days, practically each stage of your life involves them, the pranks, studies, exams, fooling around, never ever was there any sort of competition. Even the arguments would be for fun sake and the end of the day all was forgiven and forgotten….

Phase 2: Career and life takes over. You all go your separate ways and some of us including me (the not so bring ones) were left behind to rot. Slowly but surely we picked up the pieces of our life and are perhaps all set now but yet

Sometimes I wish I was back to those old times when impressions mattered less and being yourself was all it was about

When being stupid was not a crime but a necessity and the goofy laughs and comments cemented the importance the attribute bought

When all you needed to do was ask for help and you had a battalion ready

When someone from the fairer sex was “item” one moment and “bhabhi” the next

When for a simple thing like buying a shirt you would have arm loads of people to decide what looks good on you as well as bargain for ya

Sometimes I wonder what has changed so much about me. I still am friendly though my visage tells otherwise. I still talk so much to people I know/don’t know yet at times I feel a gap, a difference a sense of “I don’t belong here”

Could something be wrong ? I have got everything I could wish for absolutely no complaints even a great job, yet somewhere down the line I wish I was a kid once again, just once

Random thoughts, just too many random thoughts that crosses my mind as I shuttle down the interstate I-880 S at 80 mph, a good 15 mph over the allowed limit…..

For all I know my time is not up, no not just YET !!!

A Frenzy !!!

2008-02-02T06:13:00.000+05:30

My life has moved, changed, rushed around at a rapid pace. Do I regret it NO I DON’T trust me I don’t, anticipation is a wrong word, I felt the initial rush, the throng of things the feeling that things are gonna change and yes it has …

The pace, the frenzy with which those changes came in, unbelievable, the day draped in new colors each promising a new beginning a new life a new taste and new adventure ….

Trouble is I don’t know if I am strong enough to bear it all. Life is like a freeway for me now, diving in through a ramp and exiting via a ramp, the pace, the lane the speed doesn’t matter I am just going in with the flow, which kinda seems fine for now but for how long ? it rather reeks of bad taste and character that you don’t know where and at what pace you headed !!!

It’s like being in a flood you know, because when a dam breaks and floods the low lands there are only 2 things that can happen, you either stand in the way of the flood, in which case the end result is quite known or you slide with the flow, not knowing where it would end. I practically have no clue which of this I should do right now, I may drop anchor sometime but right now I am with the flow...

In 2 weeks I will be out of this place, the cozy confines of something that was well known to me, to dive in headlong in a new role, a greater responsibility. I have no clue how my performance out there would be, but I have reasons to believe I have done my best when it comes to professional life and I am hoping the past success will shove me to better my performance each time.

And if all that was not a strong reason enough, I do know that I have enough obligations to post a quarter of my earnings each month in the coffers of those ever greedy banks and if nothing else I would depend on a lot of prayers and shrewdness to retain my position since my entire life would depend on it.

Its not the pace or the responsibility that’s worrisome, it’s the what if ? belief that’s taking me down at times and right now I am seeking a quick remedy to just chuck the bull shit out and redeem myself

Let the heavens be ever so merciful on me .... amen .....

Confused Mind !!!

2008-01-26T12:27:00.000+05:30

I can drive yes I can, no it’s not a joke. I am already sore about missing my first chance, all because I had a stupid examiner who scared the shit out of me with her rapacious voice and my haphazard lane change policy which did me in.

So off I go, it’s raining cats and dogs here and driving is worse. With the weather forecast guaranteeing rain to come in torrents, I could rest my fat butt at home or else go out there and drive and learn. That’s precisely what I plan to do and hence I rented a car for the 3 days ….

Well to be honest, I have 2 many things on mind including a hard call I would have to take a few days from now, talking about which would warrant an all together different post. Maybe driving around like crazy a couple of days would probably make me forget the stage that is being set for me or perhaps make the thick skin that I am made of all the more thicker. Either ways something good to keep me occupied for sometime and yes adventure being my pet dog, the stunts I pull off makes the adrenalin flowing all the more...

So let me just drown myself in doing what i perceive as the RIGHT THING while god decides what next.. So much for keeping myself occupied !!!!

All in a life !!!

2008-01-20T14:05:00.000+05:30

In a life where you have lost and gained enough how does it feel when you think about someone you lost sometime back or even recently? My case has been quite different, initially it’s always been difficult for me to accept the fact that we are far apart and I would blame myself for the mess. Besides something I would rather not do unless required is to give up on someone especially when things go sour….

But apparently not many recognize this trait or approve of it which explains why I do have a fair share of people I have lost ostensibly perhaps because I held them too tight or perhaps they outgrew me faster !!!

But today when I look back at things I lost some DO hurt, but for most, I am just glad its over and had it still been on, it would have been platonic to say the least and perhaps just for keeps sake. So put it best I am glad it’s over….

Things were misled, misinterpret and misunderstood and that explained the importance of communication to me but yet at the end of it, sometimes I do wish we could go back to those good o'l days when things were at its best and we shared old tales of yore and the likes

I admit if there is something that still attracts me most about anyone it has to be their ability to communicate and to be heard and relate. Sometimes my gut feeling has let me down like some people I met via networking or social sites and some let me down after taking me to an all time high, but all said and done its an accepted part and parcel of everyday life and had I not experienced them all, my life and me in particular would never have been the same….

So guess what broken heart does not in any sense mean just a failed love or relationship, like all relations, friendship too is serious business and as usual the moment it breaks, it takes everything along with it, including the stability and composure of your heart..

Sometimes It’s not about time constraints or ego or any such hassles, if you feel like going its better to go with an open heart and a good talk.

Yet understand the fact that you would make friends in the most unusual of the places, still no one can replace even a single person who has entered your life. Because if they could in the first place, you would never be able to appreciate them in the same sense since they are like someone else you know. This explains why we have so many gods and goddess, none can replace either, they may substitute but NEVER replace another.

So tonight when I am so bored and I spent some time thinking about people I lost, I do want you guys to know, I did my best to make things work. And this post is my way of getting back to you and the good times we shared.

I hope you guys find happiness in whatever you do, The world is a small place and if we ever meet ( like my recent nemesis at Vegas) I wish we stop, share a smile, a handshake, wish each other well and move on

Hope this new year started off on a good note for you and here's wishing you all a great life ahead ….

God Bless you ALL !!!

Sincerely,
The Avenger!!!

Lessons from last night !!

2008-01-17T04:55:00.000+05:30

Lessons from last night :

In a company party I can be myself and yet not be the joker of the pack. 8% alcohol in a beer is not unheard off. Reserve yeah thats the name, made me lose my reservations last night till i walked back 2 miles to my place sloshed.

I can be paranoid about losing but more than losing its the thought of losing that kills me

My eyes shut on their own accord same as my mouth does. They dont need an alarm, neither do they care about the place or the time, they just shut down when they want to

The best thing to do is to just stop caring. If only it were that easy. The point is that you can only not care if you actually never cared in the first place. In which case, you would not be trying to not care, would you?

Don't create trouble, keep your thoughts to yourself, shut up basically. For the love of God, don't let what everyone says and how everyone behaves affect you. Because it will fuck up your life, it actually will !!!

I think too much and most of the times its for others or what i intend to do for them

Be positive, Be free. Don't neglect your customary 4 mile back and forth walk, because if you do, you will feel lethargic about doing it again.

A mountain bike real usage is when its driven aruond not when you wheel it around as i do since i dont want to waste my energy riding uphill.

I am sorry i am being incoherrent here, maybe I am drunk or maybe I am just happy, the looooong weekend is finally here, hopefully with a drivers license under my belt i would be able to enjoy it a little more :)

"hairy" tales !!!

2008-01-16T09:24:00.000+05:30

foggy foggy tuesday morning, an overtly productive day, where i did almost everything that i assumed i will take a week to finish and finally an expensive haircut.

to begin with i initially contemplated growing my hair and really wanted to change my hairstyle. in that enthusiasm my entered the asian origin barber shop hoping i will find some answer there. The last time i went in the guy did a neat job and i was very pleased so its time for him to redo the magic i tgt.

unfortunately for me he was busy attending to another customer and his dutiful wife agreed to do it for me. There i sat all padded up ready for her to go snip snip snip.

I told her what i wanted and asked if she understood to which she nodded her head up down umpteen number of times

the result an awful hair cut. I was always worried about my receding hair line and with this cut i think i would need to point out where exactly does my hairline begin.

of course matters were confounded by my propensity to be fast asleep as soon as i set my heavy butt on the chair and now when i look at the haircut, i cant help but crib how unfair it can get.

it will really be sometime before the hair grows back and the long weekend i planned a drive to napa valley and thats screwed thanks to a hair cut that never should have happened.

maybe its a dream, maybe when i wake up tomorrow morning it would all have come up !!

Atleast this is one dream i really want to believe in.....

I Think !!

2008-01-15T04:46:00.000+05:30

I think i am strange or at the most i am slowly on my path to be deemed a lunatic. what could be wrong you may ask? hell nothing is, its just the way i am which is why i said i am strange.

you see i am an outgoing person, talk to people easily, get alongs with all sorts and know how to hold my ground aganist anyone. which means dont try to push me, i will throw you back, dont try to molly cuddle me i will just snap back. just be ok, just be fine the kind i want you to be always and each day.

when i am patient, i can lead you to the edge, most often to the point of frustration by being nice and at times i may snap just like this and put you off.

I am not approachable. you met me first you may not want to see me more, but the more you see me the more you want to know what i think or what i feel (depends on person to person)

I can be observant and most often catch things that may have missed your eye, which is why when i recall dates or certain features of something like the modulated casing with the green lined battery compartment, or the reddness on your skin which tells me you used a hair remover, i get the "how did you know that?" look

At times all i do is ask questions and at times ( rarely) i answer questions. When i answer i will answer just to the point like a seasoned politician and always have a disclaimer ready "you can assume whatever you want, i am neither going to approve it nor deny it" and when i ask, i get my answers

When i am not reading a book or an article i can most often be found reading others, try to read their thoughts, observe animated expressions from people around and just stay put in my own comfort zone

but obviously not for long, people who know me always tend to observe when I go quiet and since my yakkety yak is the significant source of noise pollution around i guess i will be back in action sooner than i thought...

Yipeeeeeeee !!!

2008-01-14T01:19:00.001+05:30

thats the phase i am in since the past few days. Guess why ? i am sticking to my new year resolution(s) and i have ample free time in office these days. Of course free time means its a cause for worry but then whatever is happening is not in my control so i am trying to make the best of it, however short it may be.

But it feels great, feels good to prance around like a small kid. Enjoy the weather, picture the storm that hit this part of the world in quick session and generally shudder at the very prospect of standing on the shore line watching those waves come crashing down, as if they are going to suck you right into them.

ever seen a stormy sea any one of you ? If you get a chance dont miss it, the very wave and rant followed by the dull hollow sound they produce will induce a frisson up your spine, an icy cold feeling that can really numb you. I bet you wont want to experience something like that ever again.

All said and done let me just enjoy the few moments of peace I have. It may be short lived, which is why its a must that i make the best of it :)

All you guys out there, i surely hope the new year started on a positive note !!!

Happy New Year!!!

2007-12-31T11:06:00.000+05:30

Whoa my last post for this year I cant believe it a full 365 days have passed :). Life has certainly changed much in the past few years and this year was no different. It certainly had its own share of crests and troughs and I thought what better way to end your posts than to write about how the year has been. Soon 2007 will be history and the sun will rise on 2008. As ever I welcome it with open hands and while circumstances would want me not to believe, I still have hope 2008 will be great year :)

So here goes

January: Lost a friend, had to face a rotting relation the scars of which I still bear. Cant believe we are miles apart

The good side: I knew in a couple of months, I will be far far away from home, right out there across the seven seas

February: Losing out a promotion I deserved because I won’t molly cuddle the decision makers. What made it worse was I was anything but servile and quite vocal about disapproving what I thought was dumb with suitable reasons of course..

The good side: I received my 4th Outstanding Performance award from my company, working for whom is still and will always remain a matter of pride for me

March: My sister relocated with the kids. I had a hard time trying to be happy since I knew the next time I see my sweet hearts they will no longer be the pint sized bunnies I would carry around

The good side: I packed my bags. My journey to the promised land was just round the corner

April: I resigned from my company. I had issues with the way things were and I thought it was just right to move when you are needed the most.

The good side: A couple of my managers gave me an open ended offer to return whenever I wanted. The cute little girl in office confessed she had a crush on me lol

May: Back to bachelor life. I was preparing myself to be alone for a loooooong time.

The good side: It was hard but each day was worth it.

June: Had to sell off my baby my bike. It had served me well and I on my part had cared for it every bit. All said, I couldn’t stand there to see it being taken away and turned away soon enough.

The good side: I got a good price for it. I had an unofficial interview when the gals dad landed home to talk to me and I got a very good idea on what to expect for future interviews !!!

July: Kissed my home good bye. My birds had long gone and my nest had to be given up

The good side: I patched up with people I never thought I would go back to.

August: Kissed my adopted home good bye. It was time to get back to my hometown and my folks my last few days of living life king size. Quite memorable month since it also was my first and last time I got drunk and threw up

The good side: Got pampered like hell. Did everything I could possibly think off, told people who matter to me the most how much I love them, set out on an adventure and hugged everyone who mattered to me a lot

September: Hard hard times. Mental torture was immense and so was the pressure

The good side: I finally got a chance to prove myself and I shined. Relocation was right around the corner

October: Tight finances, tighter schedules and tighter surroundings.

The good side: The scorpion spirit reigned supreme. Did well, got things done and shone. Finally got settled in sunny California

November: I crossed another milestone also known as birthday by most. My 5th away from my dear ones and being alone. The mood was somber and so was the day…

The good side: My expedition was about to begin and I was gearing myself for it

December: Met L at Las Vegas while on a holiday. Cant forget the relaxed and happy look on the face, if there were any reminders of poor old me, it was quite dutifully forgotten I guess. Lost A and in the process the fragile outer structure I was made off. Still am bearing the scars of how quickly things fall apart when time is not on your side

The good side: I gave up. I realize he has a way of making things happen and I on my side have the responsibility of trying my best. Both are doing their job in their own ways so let time take its stride and decide for itself who wins and at what stage.

The most amazing coincidence being start of 2007 was on a bad note and so was the end and BOTH were for somewhat similar reasons :)

So there you go an event filled year, where I gained something I lost something. Nevertheless life moves on and so did I (actually I am making myself believe that). I can beat myself to death things about the things I have lost this year but having said so I believe I am fine because for every stumble and every failure I had to face, I did have something to look back and smile upon.

Truth is I chase so many things in life some within reach and some beyond that I at times end up screwing things up. Rather than berate myself I should focus on making myself stronger and I intend to do that. These things require time and patience, 2 things that I wasn’t even aware off and its time I learn my lesson and move on.

Move on I did because if there is something that really gets to me, it’s the familiarity of things. I like to stay competitive and I like to see things differently and experience a difference. I am not sure how successful I would be in life and how many more failures, disappointments I would face in life. But having said that its time I grow up and take things in my stride like I used to when I was young ( yeah, I feel quite old of lately!!!)

So lets see staying focused is what I plan to do which means no more cribbing except on the blog (the anonymity helps :) ) and yes please welcome Xander !!! my new partner in crime who will crib and wave and rant and write nonsense just like me on the blog …

For all my friends (bloggies and otherwise), enemies and visitors how has 2007 been for you???

Wish you all a happy and prosperous NEW YEAR!!!

Its difficult .....

2007-12-29T01:25:00.000+05:30

It’s been a hard day for me. Hard in every sense draining me out physically and mentally. I should have known, I am the test bed and he likes to test me day in and out. The New Year approaches and like everyone here I am doing my best to spread the cheer around, bit by bit, task to task, heart to heart

But you know what it’s difficult.

Difficult to bottle up all your emotions while you still smile and cheer people up

Difficult to understand the nuances of you being tested while you help others become strong

Difficult to understand why he scratches the surface and leaves you bleeding when the wounds are still raw

Difficult to understand why he makes you go mile high only to make you fall to the ground with a thud

The problem here is not him I guess, it’s me. Because I can be so stupid, I still end up seeing people the way I want to see them. Sometimes some amount of righteous indignation and anger is the best way to make yourself heard, however in my efforts to ease out situations and to not ruffle any feathers I almost always end up sacrificing this very basic tenet to which I should stand up for.

Its amazing, how I would never let anyone treat people I know any less than how I would treat them but when it comes to my own life, I let them walk all over me ….

And while I would still suffer in solemn silence the rest of the world just walks by. I have been laughing at my own little miseries from the past 3 days now and if that’s not enough my holiday that was supposed to just help me unwind actually left me stressed beyond repair. Apparently "what happened in vegas, didn't stay in vegas!!!"

He sure loves me I know, look at all the effort he takes to keep me occupied…

Actually this song sums it all up …. catch the lyrics here

An affair to remember !!!

2007-12-21T10:26:00.000+05:30

A large airy bedroom, well ventilated, neat and tidy kitchen and living room and in a distance the pacific shoreline. Hell it made sense you know, this is the kinda place everyone needs and if its within walk able distance from office a mere 2.2 miles then nothing like it.

Even though walking across the free way wasn’t allowed meaning I need to walk another 10 more minutes, I was fine with it. So I made an appointment with the owner to meet him and to pay the deposit and move in to my new apartment, that I was supposed to co share with him.

On the appointed day I landed up to meet the owner, I was surprised that it was someone else and not the person mentioned in the ad, but hey never mind, lets talk business here. So we chatted for a while , talked about work, stuff etc and then

O: so what do you do during weekend?

Me: I divide my time between volunteering, driving classes and the library

O: Awww man that’s sweet of you, you keep the whole Sunday for your partner ?

Me: I am not married and I don’t have a girl friend either. Don’t think I would have one either ( smiled…)

O: Aah well no one cares about women these days my brother, this is SFO, you don’t need a f%^^#@$ Latina to satisfy your urges….

Me: Yeah ok !!!

O: So you and your mate hang out in which lounge?? I am sure we can all get together or better still if you are tired of hanging on to him, chuck him I know lotsa boys you would end up loving…

Me: (I spoke in english you bozo, but then didn’t want to sound rude) No thanks, I think I am fine being single for the time being

O: Ohh yeah I get your point ( pummels me with his tattoed iron fist) . You Indians are a smarter lot, no wonder you guys make so much money. I like your idea of a no strings attached, maybe I should try it once too

Me: Huhh… yeah .. smilezzz ( whatever that’s supposed to mean)

O: On second thoughts maybe you might wanna come with me to the tavern, it’s the biggest one out here, and after a few rounds of drinks lets go over to Daddy’s, they have an underwear party every Monday night…

Me: No thanks, I need to rush, can you please sign the lease papers so that I may leave.

At that point of time, the guy walks in, Mr O rushes out to molly cuddle him and looks at me winks and says “Be right back, my baby here needs some love” Feel at home, I will be back…

I cursed the new arrival, what a time to pop in grrr. He looked every inch a man, but seriously I thought there was something womanly about him too. I looked around, Mr. O's living room looked more like a gay bar, I could see pictures of Ricky martin with lip stick marks, a photo of his with another guy and then finally the bigger picture “He and the guy who just walked in looking very womanly in a definitely “made for each other pose”. And then reality dawned on me... this is SFO, this really is SFO.... …..

Last thing I did was bang the door shut and dart down the sidewalk running the full 1.4 miles to office. It wasn’t till I reached familiar surroundings that I stopped breathless

Now I understood what the supposedly night life in SFO was all about …..

Thank my stars I escaped as for the rest who didn’t get my point, read between the lines and it will be clear…

Still don’t get it type “daddys underwear party san Francisco” and you will see the real picture…

So much for night life in SFO …..

Driving adventures !!!

2007-12-20T12:44:00.001+05:30

I never thought I would be able to do that. Well I know it’s not impossible as every one said so yet I was quite nervous you see. But then I still have the biker genes in me which mandates flirting with adventure at each venture and so here we go, 2 classes down and I am already able to handle a car !!!

No big deal for most but considering the fact that I never drove my entire life, it was an exhilarating feeling honestly. Now if I can just get the shutter mouth of my asian instructor to shut up, I can concentrate on getting that curve right. He has this funny laughter and broken English which gets me more confused than understood at times. And you know what he wants to know about, while driving ? Hell he talks about tech stocks as if I am some kinda financial wizard or at best his personal financial advisor. PP would love that role but then what to do, he already has a license and he is way too far off in MN to be ever in the picture :).

So here we go, left turn, right turn, free way lane change, stop and go, night driving etc etc and whether its morning or night I am silently observing how the traffic moves as I walk to office, trying to observe what I would do if I was in the nth position at left/right /middle lane etc etc. Hell its sure fun, as I silently maneuver my invisible car from those traffic tight spots. No wonder these days I walk a lot more than the 40 minutes I used to take to walk to office previously.

As for misadventures, well I missed one signal the first day, took a right turn and almost went over the kerb, tried to put the hand brake before stopping the car and almost went over the guard rail once, all that in the course of one day. As I hopped out of the car I could almost sense the instructor let out a held breath, and the color returning to his cheeks. Too bad, I didn’t trouble him much from day 2 onwards, I did everything right :)

While I am indeed happy, my thoughts go out to A, who’s sitting across the seven seas making me dive into this adventure while they are oblivious to it…..

Well at least I have something to yapp about post January !!!!

Ironic !!!

2007-12-18T10:38:00.000+05:30

What ??? You actually did that? It seemed more like an interrogation than anything else, suddenly the conversation had boiled down to “how could you do this kinda thing?” questions.

I surrendered meekly, didn’t have a choice, the more I think of it, the more worse it gets. I can’t get anyone and I mean any one to understand the gravity of taking such a stance. It has got nothing to do with stature here, just that I was and still am a lot more flexible than I thought I was and suddenly it’s the flexibility that has become a thorn in the eye for most of them, if not all.

Fortunately it stopped not because I made my position understood, but rather it was because they didn’t want to offend me any more than what I had already gone through. You see that’s the kinda reaction I get from them all. I really don’t care much about being judged on account of my actions because I know they will fry my brains in oil but tune me up all right and I just love them for that.

So apart from half guided sarcasm like “whatever - I have no patience with this martyrdom S####”, I got what I had wanted and that was the peace of mind you get when you take a stance and are afraid that you would be misjudged for it in the end.

And yep I am happy and yet you know what how the turn of events make me feel “Ironic”…

Watch the video here and read the lyrics here

(read the lyrics as you listen to song to get to the gist of it. The relevant paragraphs are highlighted :-) )

The aftermath !!!

2007-12-14T11:55:00.000+05:30

Just when the brouhaha over my last escapade was about to die down does come up a new issue. I was wondering how the ominous signs I tend to see didn’t pick it out.

Hell you know what, I can read palms, no kidding, I really can and I learnt it not to hold the fair sex hands ( gosh I cant believe I actually said that. I thought that trick failed after the 80’s) but initially as a matter of intrigue and later on to add to the scorpion curiosity, which entails knowing everything about your opponent and giving out nothing about yourself.

So here I am. As if one wasn’t enough, dear god is planning to test me once again, by steering my already leaky boat towards choppy waters. What strikes me more is the absolute planning behind this? I mean it couldn’t have come at an appropriate time.

Here I am all ready to settle down to my peaceful life in a foreign territory and he rewards me with a cheapo plaque as a performance award and a horridly mess in terms of a bigger heartache. Now to seal the effect he sends me another gift the likes of which I have never imagined.

Sometimes I feel, I was born a test bed. I keep wondering how he loves me so much that everyone of his “test plans” are run with me as its test bed. Just when I gather enough courage and patience to face another day, he send me another.

Now if it wasn’t enough that I am numb with fear till judgment day early January, he ensures that I will spend my Christmas and new year worried sick on how to keep a bold face and not let others see through the façade.

I would rather don a mask then let them see me in a different perspective you see they matter so much to me, that if not for me, for their sake, I just grind my teeth and bear it all. Every gloomy night is followed by morning and one day it may just dawn for me.

But just when I feel I have figured out what life is….someone just comes in and changes it all… just as I and guessed, he is hell bent on defeating me each day !!!!

Be happy Be free !!!

2007-12-12T12:44:00.000+05:30

So putting aside such theories and ill feelings over what transpired, I got my first award from this company today. It made a huge difference because this award was for someone who made me what I am today. I agree my parents made the supreme sacrifice but had it not been for him, I would have never stayed afloat after the initial set backs I faced. And for all the joy I had, somewhere I felt something missing.

As I stepped out to the breezy California weather, I tossed the plaque into the bay. I watched it bop up and down before it was finally pulled into the estuary. For now the certificate would suffice….

By this time tomorrow the distance that exists between us could be read at units of thousand miles. Not that it would make any difference, I tried my best to understand what the situation is like and I am pretty confident, I have understood more than what was expected in the first place

Doesn’t matter as far as my intuition goes, the decision has already been taken and this time gap that is being asked for is just to reinforce the initial decision. It hurts but having said that no matter where in life I am and at what step it may be, sometimes I just wish I had this time machine to go back in time….

And then I sat down to write. Probably the last time I am talking about the issue. Things those are too sensitive to be put on a blog. I already have someone who talks to me as if they know every inch of my body on account of my blog. Dreams I had, desires I kept locked for many years. It’s an odd feeling getting lost not once but twice and both ways in a similar manner. I tried to learn from either of them but my judgment failed me.

It was difficult for me to isolate who was the greater fool? me or the better sense in me, which still believes that being honest and upright would still get plausible results if not anything. When fact is however insecure you are, all you need is someone who remains strong at that moment to see you through.

So I know the call may never come through. Even if it does it’s a formality. I can see the distance and as much as I want to hold on I know I won’t. And so I set it free, knowing fully well it won’t come back, yet hoping pretty much the same.

Judgment day is in the first week of January and as much I like to be positive, I can see ominous signs, signs that tell me how the jury verdict would be ….

For now .... Be happy Be free !!!

They said !!! I Say !!!

2007-12-09T02:18:00.001+05:30

They say

Looks don’t matter

I say

It does, no one likes to be stuck with a bewolf. The bull shit about inner beauty was never true in the real sense. It is always compensated by something as an add-on: a buy 1 get 1 free mentality.

They say

I am looking for someone who’s caring and understanding

I say

Caring is seen in action and understanding via character

They say

I should be able to talk freely to the person

I say

Whatever they say should be taken as the gospel, any deviation is seen as an abhorrent

They say

I don’t know I need to think

I say

You have made up your mind, all you need is someone to ratify your decision and say “Go ahead and do it”

They say

I am not sure what I want

I say

You definitely know what you want. But you are trying to fit the square box into the round hole or vice versa. You just are not ready to put an effort that a relation should be a part off

They say

You look different, you are photogenic

I say

Photography and personal self are never the same. What it means is photographs of you are better.

They say

"Horror"scope should match

I say

I have faith and I believe in god and not such mundane stuff. I cant live my life as per it, and I prefer a more practical reason.

They say

At 28 my options are limited

I say

Age is a non essential number. I am not talking about eternal youth, but there is a certain grace about growing old together

So it’s not about personal space neither is it about time. It’s about putting an effort, and believing in it. Unfortunately most of us don’t come anywhere close to making it leave alone surviving long enough to see the end we expect.

Enough said and done let me not contribute to the unhappiness by going back to my 10 days of fame

There are... things which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and every decent man has a number of such things stored away in his mind.

So much for eternal happiness. For me my phase has just begun, here's one more to the list….

Thank you !!!

2007-12-08T13:07:00.000+05:30

I took it out gingerly and stared at it for a second before placing it on the table. I never leave without it. Don’t know never had the heart to leave it and go and hence perhaps.

Had always revered it and know will always do but having said that, I have to admit, nothing comes to calming me more than a heart to heart talk with it. It always works you see and you know why? Cause

It never mocks me or my fears however silly it is.

It never judges me on what I said or my morbid thoughts

I see a compassion, which makes me open up as if it’s alive and I feel relieved I did it.

Today I did the same. I know my chain of thoughts can be silly, dismissive and sometimes plain stupid, but hell, that’s the way I am. I am not difficult just that I have my set of preconceived notions that kinda makes me come out as weird. It takes a lot to see through those fears, sense the real intent and thus the actual question.

Honestly it’s so damn strange. I have this capacity to cheer even the most shriveled personality by stooping to their level but when it comes to me I am always looking around. A part of me that’s known only to some and they are damn good at recognizing the voice change or the body language.

I spoke what I had to and as usual he was smiling, he didn’t answer neither did he acknowledge when I had finished but I know he heard and that was enough for me. I feel relieved now and except for the recurring 5 second of morbid thoughts I am fine.

I got the answer I wanted which was, there is nothing I should do but wait for the storm to calm out. A look at the problem from the inside out and honestly had not AN pointed it out, I might have skipped the idea all together. Experience has taught me how easy it is to slide deeper into quicksand and how nothing can come anywhere close to halting the slide you see

So I made up my mind, curb the excitement, make space and wait it out. I will do that and honestly I will give it my best shot. I am just glad it came in at this stage because had it been a tad too late, I wouldn’t have known what hit me as I would have passed out.

Sometimes the answer to your worries is simple. No complex fundas to scare you, no jargon to befuddle you and definitely no molly cuddle. I liked it when AN got the answer out of me and so did he and I appreciate the insight that went into getting an answer and soothing a hyper me.

I am fine now and I know my answer and I will wait till I get my response. It may happen soon or it may not happen, not in this lifetime either ways I am prepared, I am ready and yes I will move on

There is a reason behind every deed and what a fine way to explain this always forgotten funda than to give you a dose of it every quarter ….

Thank you, I have survived today and I know I will tomorrow. The day after I will take it when I reach it

Thank you very much, AN, AA and He, I owe you one …. Actually too many….

Thanks a lot…..

It's a good thing !!!

2007-12-07T09:36:00.000+05:30

I learnt a lesson and I learnt it the hard way. I can wave and rant and go on but I choose to write down the good part about it so here goes …

Its a good thing

To be hurt at times: You remember the feeling for a long time to come

To be positive: As at a cross road you meet someone who warms up at your smile

To be strong: Because you need it to carry things that other people trust you with

To be grounded: Because you may win this time, you may want to next time but you possibly may not win each time

To play with kids: Soon you realize you have a lot more in common with them.

To be understanding: The sooner you realize there was a reason the faster you know the control was not in your hands

To be supportive: As sometimes your mere presence can work wonders for their self confidence

To be flexible: For everyone will at some point of time demand your time

To look into their eyes: Then those myriad pools can no longer hold on to their murky colors.

Finally

It’s good to lend a hand: because that’s the power of human touch. Everyone needs it at some point of time….

A Question !!!

2007-12-06T10:43:00.000+05:30

A Question !!

what hurts more ?

the knowledge that you were taken for a ride since the start and yet you acted along?

the castles you built were made of sand and all that was needed was just a dying wave to break them?

that sometimes no matter how genuine you are some still stick to their initial judgment ?

that by not containing your excitement, you have actually hurt more people than making them happy?

that no matter how happy or confident you may be, there still would be issues that break apart your inner self?

that just when you comment "I am happy because..." Grief comes and knocks on your door?

that no matter how hard you try, you still lose and lose again and again and again for no fault of yours....

Is it just stupidity or is it just that I am a moron who gets into such mess each time? And what am I supposed to do now ? wallow in this sleazy self pithy filth or face the facts and move on?

I really want to and eventually I will but fact remains that in a foreign land and all by myself, I just end up cursing the day I ventured out on this adventure.

If i could ever get myself out of this hyper-helpless-self-pithy mode I will prove to be just worth so much more for a change.

But from where I stand right now, a respite seems to be so far away !!!

Such a Shame !!!

2007-11-21T05:27:00.000+05:30

Freakin son of a gun, if it wasn’t enough that he was milking the Indian holy cow (Infosys) by its udders, he wanted to do the same to his consort?

What a shame, people like him go unpunished. I mean what kinda person would do such a thing? To raise your hand to hurt the weaker (err forgive me feminists) class its such a shame.

Sure it’s USA, and sure we are foreigners here but hell we all are human beings after all and how can anyone trample our identity and go without questioning?

Families send their only child and daughters to US hoping they would do fine, be comfortable with an NRI son-in-law but little do they realize that even an educated a@@## like this guy in question can be a wolf in a sheep’s skin.

The video leaves no doubt in your mind about the torture meted out to the helpless girl and this time around no one could do anything to help her out. And she of all was helped by a paki doctor (Thackeray would be squirming in his seat and branding them both infidels now)

This is just an indication of how money is slowly eroding our class and our sense of being fair. The B not only tired to kill her but also gets away because he is in a foreign land.

But wait till he gets back. Because when he does the police complaint would still hold good and since he has not appeared before court, there would be a look out notice for him, which would be served immediate on arrival. What that effectively means is his ass will be whipped and boy am I gonna like it.

My only wish he and his sisters who supported this act all land together and should be taken to that cellular jail and just when they learn how to behave and treat humans better (which may never happen and that serves just fine) be allowed to return.

If I had a chance as an infy manager, the first thing I would do his cancel this assole permit and haul his ass back here. Once he gets a lesson on basic etiquette from the "do it yourself" groups, give him the pink slip and leave him to beg.

Sounds cruel right, but hang on he deserves it and I don’t care about what others feel, for no matter what he does, it still cannot erase the inglorious sin of trying to kill a lady and her new born child, a lady he was sworn to protect till his last breath and no self respecting guy would ever want to associate their name with him.

Remember Hitler? He had his share of fanatics that did his every bidding, but once he got himself screwed they ran helter skelter trying to save their a@#.

This guy is a mini version of his macho personality and had this been someone I am related to, he bloody well would have known what I could have done. People like him should be taught a lesson the sooner the better and by letting him go after committing much a heinous crime, we will only build the same class of people who are responsible in many ways for our nondescript lives

He is and will remain a shame to each one of us who proudly carry the indianness and our heart in our sleeves because no matter what we do, by acting sissy for serious issues like this, we actually give the world the message “you need a door mat” come step on me….

I wish I had a gun, I really wish. What the @#$ @ hell @#$@ him and and his @#$@ cohorts for he actually deserves it...

Thank you !!!

2007-11-20T06:55:00.000+05:30

Look I really don't know what turned the tide in my favor,

Was it because I got mad or perhaps you decided to show some mercy or I deserved it?

I really don't know but whatever be the reason, I am happy and yes I am thankful.

Thankful that it was done, and done in such a short time.

You do realize how much this means to me don't you? I am sure you did

thank you thank you and thank you so much. I can assure you I wont let your faith in me die down anytime and thats a gentleman's promise..

[Just when I needed a miracle, I got one but what that means is just one simple thing

Ask and your prayers would be granted

But perhaps and most importantly

Never ask unless you are sure you need it...] .....

I Dont Know !!!

2007-11-19T11:55:00.000+05:30

I know what you are thinking off right now

here comes the sucker with another demand

but there is too much sham around ok, too many things happening all around and no I am not dumb and neither are you to not notice it

so then why the silence? It’s not fair that you expect me to fight and keep up the ever burgeoning expectations when all you do is stand at a distance and give me and my efforts a grin.

I know I could be wrong here and I know I may have to repent later but for now, what I do know is, this small time happiness is much more important to me than that scheme of things you may have.

And honestly if it doesn’t click I know for sure I will be disappointed.

Call that a complain, a warning or just plain sulking

But I sure hope it clicks because my life and my happiness depends on it

I really don’t know and I really hope you don’t let me down this time….

Drama !!!

2007-11-16T09:57:00.001+05:30

Sometimes it’s just so difficult to take a stance. No matter what people say, what your sun sign say or what even your peers say, your idea about stuff and things and self being are perhaps the most important factors.

When you need to take a go – no go decision, what do you rely on?

Guts you have to stick to your chosen action?

Feelings before committing to an action?

Faith in your decision?

God if you believe in the omnipotent that is ?

Circumstances that dictates or mandates a certain path?

Long term benefits of your action?

I have tried my best to think on all front but you know what, each time I need to take a stance on this I cringe because no matter what people say at the end of the day it’s just …..

You and your conscience

You and your mirror image

You and the one who knows all

Act, pretend, insist, make noise, demand, enforce, get wicked

but…..

if being any of these is not the REAL YOU

BE PREPARED FOR THE REAL DRAMA

A drama from which there is no escape…

Achooo !!!

2007-11-13T00:04:00.001+05:30

He got up his usual hazy self. it was not lack of sleep that did him in, but rather lack of motivation and a plethora of excuses that he always had to grab that extra few minutes of sleep.

Fortunately for him his real self ruled over frivolity and as such, he dragged himself out of the sleeping bag. his face still sore from the thrashing he received by using the bic razor he momentarily stood in the center of the room to gain some courage to face the ordeal again. All done, he made his way to the washroom.

What followed was a mechanical way of life, as if he is a programmed robot and he went about all of them with precision but without any thought. The trails and tribulations of doing the early morning rituals you see.

All done, he stood in the tub and flicked the lever and then FROZE...

Never in his life had he experienced such paranoia, he now really understood what waterboarding is all about.

He could feel them running down his pale skin, his hair stood up on all fronts and his senses suddenly became so very acute. A truly global medicine to rush away the sleepy eyes.

Don’t get what i mean? Try standing in a shower without turning on the warm water latch in freezing temperature and if you can ever get a better placebo that alerts you in a truly military style then please do let me know.

As for me, fortunately i moved away quickly and turned it on to warm, but I still cant figure out what to do with this sniffle and the truck loads of handkerchiefs I am carrying around all the while ..

Yipeeeeeeee !!!

2007-11-12T00:20:00.001+05:30

Agony !!!

2007-11-11T12:42:00.000+05:30

It’s that time of the week, when all you have is agony. I really wish I could do something about this. I have tried all sorts of things, trusted them all from quacks to qualified practitioners but none could help.

Thanks to my new found work status, I have to face it at least thrice a week, since it’s all about keeping the image. Earlier, I never bothered but now I have to on account of my consultant status. Can’t go there dressed as a vagabond you see, I need to project the right image. Besides I am not selling vegetables out there.

Aah hah wait a minute believe me when I say it was not what I did all these years, but then when you are a regular employee being a dhabawala is something you can afford to not while at client site.

Unfortunately this image keeping has its own share of issues floating in and I face it more over the weekend. I curse and rave and rant not just at the branded bloodied triple blade but also at my distinct ability to get nicks and cuts at unique places. While this may, may not leave their scars, at the end of it I am left hoping that perhaps putting some Annie French borrowed from my cousin might do the trick than test my patience like this…

You see I am one amongst the .01% people in the world who are allergic to razor blades more so to the newer titanium ones. One part of me could live on forever with the vegetation that runs down my sides and lips, but the other being more professional mandates the well groomed look in truly a corporate sense. And whoever has heard of a guy who comes dressed in like he hasn’t heard of what getting a shave is all about.

In oscillating between these 2 roles not only am I left with a bloodied razor blade but also a sheer test of my patience each passing day. Know what I truly should now try and be an inventor, I have a reason, I can understand the awful pain people like me go through and the sheer tenacity by which they hold while they face the trial by fire. Ohh yeah I shouldn’t forget camouflaging the nicks and cuts are an art on its own and that can really put the best pros to shame.

Either this or perhaps people all around me are dumb and dumber as no one seems to notice which suits me perfectly fine or perhaps they are just too nice to point out that perhaps I should move my hand from the cleft on my chin, that wound is certainly not as bad as I think it is….

Best wishes for a bright Diwali !!!

2007-11-09T10:25:00.000+05:30

There is something amazing about this festival that turns you on. For starters it’s colorful and the brightness brings in cheer. It’s not at all gloomy and morbid as is the climate out here. I see colors, I smell the sweets and above all I feel the bonding all across the seven seas. I know they are with me on this day and so am I.

Diwali for me meant gorging on sweets. Bursting crackers was something I did when I was in my 7th grade after that better sense took over and I still avoid that practice. Of course it gives me great pleasure as I watch over my darlings, dressed in their entire splendor with avuncular pride. In fact I can still feel her hug when I opened the package to reveal her Diwali gift. She certainly was happy and went around telling everyone in our society how I bought it for her :)

I want to meet both of them, play with them, buy them stuff and listen to their random talk, which can be both hilarious and at times plain annoying. But hey never mind all that. I keep wondering how I have all the time in the world when it’s for them and somehow the most important of my tasks can be left on the back burner. There is a certain charm in them when they are young you know because their innocence bowls you over. You might as well enjoy each moment of it, before they grow up to lose it forever. For all you know, I played a dual role when I am with them as the parents watched from the sidelines.

My thoughts are with them the Iron lady in her late fifties and the dark haired 64 year old gentleman. Sure I have borrowed most of his traits. His amazing senses of humor, his work and life ethics and of course his mannerisms. I am constantly nervous as he spent his better part as the provider only to want one thing, which was that his kids do better than he did. If I don’t slog my butt out now, I will show him down and that would definitely be the last thing on earth I would ever do.

Her hands maybe shriveled but for me, she is the most beautiful women in the world and like her name remains priceless forever. I remember we had a chapter in English prose where a 6 year old petite young woman proclaims "My mother is the most beautiful woman in the world" and how I and my twin would narrate the incident years later only to nod our head and acknowledge the universal truth in it.

M voice went out to the other side of this country, where a rock solid investment banker was getting ready to face some trade pundits at the Capitol tomorrow. He will ace the talk I know, it’s an inborn talent some people have. They touch the lives of everyone who comes in their vicinity and he undoubtedly is such a personality. Ably supported by his consort who happens to be a terrific woman in her own right.

They mean a lot to me and as the cold, windy and chilly night tightens its grip around me I let out a sigh. Each one of them is worth living and obviously worth dying for and seeing them happy is the only thing that I can ask from my life. As for the rest, they will follow.

To all these worthy people and of course my dear old buddies of each sex, Happy Diwali and may this festival bring you all the happiness that you guys so rightly deserve...

Troubled mind !!!

2007-11-06T02:10:00.000+05:30

I wrote then scrapped, then rewrote then scrapped and now finally when i can put pieces together i cant find what i wrote in the first place.

Darn it e-media was supposed to help us deliver but sometimes its such a pain. I mean i admit i too am at fault for scrapping and rewriting but then i have no clue how many times i rewrote the same stuff which explains why I am not happy with the final outcome.Undo and redo functions too have their limitations you see..

Now if only i had a mental machine that would type in stuff as it came to my mind, process it and then form a linkage between them, my job would be so easier...

Geez all this talk about artificial intelligence, neurological networks is so baloney. what is required is a full time interpreter who catches your mind waves, tracks them for you, edits them and finally delivers just the way you want it.

Now if only someone would volunteer to do that, i can sleep so peacefully...

Till then its just me and my mac for what happens when you dont have the best? you take what you have and call it the best and move on..

That's precisely what i am doing at this point of time....

Coming of Age !!!

2007-11-04T07:03:00.000+05:30

He has come a long way

From a pint sized bony frame to an athletic one

From being cared for at each stage to being the one who cares

From being begged to study to pass to being the university topper

From being an introvert to becoming an extrovert

From being funded all through school and college for his pastimes to being the sponsor

From never being at home even during vacations to being wanting to go home

For promising never to leave his hometown and the place he grew up in to being miles away & in a different time zone for the 6^th year in succession

Life certainly has changed him and so has time. This time tho he adds another year to a mathematical sum called “age”. He is 2”?” today :)

Happy birthday twin sis, Happy Birthday Avenger !!!

Lunch, Love and my Cup of Noodles !!!

2007-11-02T01:54:00.000+05:30

That’s it !!! I am tired of eating those cup noodles and I promised myself I wont have it anymore but each day when I am hungry I have them for lunch. Not that I have anything against them, but I am pissed at myself for being such a lazy bum you know.

Salvador Dali (my house owner) wants restricted cooking or rather light cooking. I call it going on a diet because that’s what it sounds to me you see. Whoever has heard of light cooking and since when did cooking some curry become light? Well it is if you are in my home country not otherwise. I personally don’t see myself steam some beef, add some pepper and salt and exclaim yummyyyyy !!!

Not my taste you see and besides “mujhe aangh pe kuch lagne wala chaiyee” ahem that’s slang for something that stuffs me read spicy and filling :). But I am not lucky as yet for another reason. You see when I first came to this country I just carried the basic kitchen stuff I would need. The rest I was assured would be available in the apartment that had been booked for me. Sure enough, most of the stuff was already there as also a lady whose room smelled like it is the hideout for skunks. But I had a gala time trying out newer stuff and feeding those hungry wolves who were my colleagues in office.

But then fate had other plans and one fine day, I had to relocate to this part of the world. This place reminds me of Bangalore, as I see more desis, lotsa traffic and of course a similar climate. I have to stay put for atleast 6 months as my work demands it and I actually have no option. Not that I regret it, the place is cool and I am enjoying it every bit never mind the memories it brings at times.

First, I need to get some kitchen stuff at some cheap hideouts. Second get a car and third get back with vigor to my first love “Eating”. Sometimes I pray real hard you know. Not that he doesn’t listen to me, he does especially when I give out a desperate call but then I don’t like to tax him much. There are some things I want and he knows it, the rest are not so important and he knows that too, trouble is what is important for me is not so important for him, and vice versa. This basically explains why I never get 100% of what I ask for hehe :). But i ain't complaining as I have learnt to adjust with what I have, still be greedy to the core and keep asking for more :)

So I hope some day he will listen and he will give me enough tax free money to splurge on to start my own restaurant. Ask me why ? because in that case I can bake a cake and have it too :). Plainly speaking I may never have to throw out the food since with me around, I am not sure if my customers would get enough hehe hahaha.

Now that I think of food I realize I am hungry and what am I going to have ? A freaking “CUP OF NOODLES”. Darn :( …….

Monday Blues err RED !!!

2007-10-30T08:00:00.000+05:30

Just my day, dont ask. To start with I had a security policy violation and that meant by the time I reached my desk from the lab, I had like around 7 messages from various departments concerning security. I spent a good 1 hour assuring them of the safety of their information.

Then when I was all done, I just got up to stretch myself and the wide movement of my arms sent a USB port drive crashing to the ground. Ohh wait a minute it didnt go alone, it took the wireless mouse along with it. The best part: I killed two birds with one stone, both of them broke into 2 pieces right before me on the floor.

Part 2 done, I came back to my seat and I found that I had missed a DHL consingment, and I had no clue where my company ID card was. Icing on the cake: I have to take the fire exit stairs to my 11th floor office since the rest of them are all security tagged.

I went to warm my lunch at the pantry, put the food in the microwave and walked back since Inessa from security wanted to have a quick chart about the lost card. By the time I was done, my food was hot and the underside burnt. I had to be extra careful not to scrap the burnt side out.

Sat down to email project status mail and found that I cant find my v3i. I had left it at the security desk to have a photograph taken for a new badge. Super just my luck ......

Larry was nice enough to come over to give me my phone and the ID card. Bless him, as he walked away I put the phone and ID card onto my top pocket to realise the darn thing inside my pocket was the old ID card...

Wait, its not over as yet I missed the shuttle and had to walk 40 mins to reach home and with just a sleevless jacket on, my insides were ICE by the time I got back.

Lastly I had left the steam iron on my bag, the water had seeped in wetting all the ironed clothes. As I put them out to dry, she called and I didn't hear the phone vibrate. It went to voice and I cant call back either...

Monday Blues sorry I saw only "Red" today....

aaaarghhh.....

Moral Policing

2007-10-26T10:56:00.000+05:30

tich tich tich... all said and done now its moral policing in colleges back home. Heck you know what I am glad about? That I passed out long ago about 7 years to be precise. Guess what makes me happy? Well for starters no one bothered to know if we attended classes and second you could wear a bloody chaddi ( shorts as they say ) and come to class and while some would give you a "aagaya faltu" (" look a hippe" ) look , the rest of us would look on in amusement.

Had this been my case, I would have got myself slaughtered because for me dress code doesn't exist as yet. The recent mandate from one of the reputed colleges in my hometown says not to wear tee shirts to college and some actually turned away students since they wore tee's. How ridiculous!!!. Whatever happened to the truly cosmopolitan environment that was prevalent during my times. I hardly remember ever wearing a formal outfit while in college and neither did I on entering professional life until now tho.

The first 10-15 years our parents and school govern us ( is most cases its not bad). Next came college meaning the next 5-6 years is when youth and their ideas take root. I agree some kind of policing is important but just because there were no policing doesn't mean that most of the women on campus wore skimpy outfits or guys were all fatichar (hippe) kinds.

Neither can it be said that the "bhartiya nari " and the sabyatha conscious men were the ones you always and still look up to. Each side and I mean it, each side had its wolf in sheep's clothing. I can personally point out people who had pig tails in college and now work as senior managers for well known fortune firms as also women who wore mini skirts and are a happily married mother of 2 sari draped housewife.

The problem with us is this, we tend to make a lot of hullabaloo about everything and the second the decision makers think they are god, and their decisions are above reproach. While I am with you in some, I find that of lately I simply balk at the very idea you propose.

Restrictions if any and when backed with concrete ideas bear fruit. For e.g. dare anyone take a firearm with their on board luggage? I guess everyone is aware why its not allowed and none seems to mind either. For people who do mind, its time they wash themselves up first.

Similarly if you tell XYZ not to do this this and this and you back it up with definite reasons like ABC, EFG etc chances are they are more likely to follow. Makes sense but if you tell someone that you cant wear jeans because I want to prepare you for professional life that’s so ridiculous.

A small percentage and I mean it a small percentage of people decide and judge you based on your looks and your outfits. But having said that if someone comes up dressed in jeans for an interview I am sorry to say he is rejected because he doest have a clue what dressed for the "occasion" mean. As for professional life how many of us balk when we see a senior/junior guy wearing jeans and coming to office be it a Monday or otherwise?

Today we have so many ways in which we learn more about selling ourselves and creating an image and such. As for dress sense my lead came for a night out in a Sherwani and geez believe me he smelled more like a rotten tomato than a professional guy. Such faux paus are inevitable but where does this moral policing guarantee it will prevent such faux passes?

Is it that difficult to understand that while you are at will to police lets not impose unless there are drastic situations and enforcement is deemed mandatory? How would these policy makers feel, if the same students they are policing revert back with the demand that they wear khaddar to work, school or whatever? Khaddar is not everyone's taste and you wear what you are comfortable with as long as it’s not deemed a sore by the rest of your companions. I challenge them to come out with a list of majority people who swear jeans and tee's are sore to the eyes viz a viz something deemed "improper" like a mini skirt and a tank top.

Enough is enough, most of them are policed for long and its no big deal to give them "some" amount of freedom to lead another 4-5 years as they want albeit in check till work and professional pressures take them over.

I pity you guys, I seriously do because what we did back then are the same things that are being so cruelly taken away from you. Its true there were some sore eyes amongst out midst but a sizable percentage of us are truly the gentleman that education and freedom brings and we are truly glad for ...

I don’t know how far and to what lengths would these dictators go to, but given a choice I too would simply rebel and join your ranks because I believe education and freedom in the right proportion makes us a truly global citizen.

Can anyone say who support this decision enlighten me and back up their belief with "judicious" reasons??

I hardly think so.....

Colors everywhere !!!

2007-10-25T09:22:00.000+05:30

The white froth seamed from all sides. Hustled by the many obstructions they seemed to gained momentum as they rushed to the final outlet but not before handing out a quick wink and a “see you next time” whistle.

She was all around, all smiles and all set for the party. A myriad of colors greeted me at each stage and each corner. She was fiery at times, sometimes subdued and at times so moderate and conservative. It wasn’t just me who saw the change, the inhabitants did too and they joined me as we welcomed the beauty queen on her night out….

I stopped momentarily because he blocked the road. The sheer size gave us goose bums and the sparkling eyes coupled with the eerie atmosphere added to the ghostly setting. I looked right into the eyes of a moose and if you thought only wild animals are scary wait till you see one of them. You will see what I mean…

I stepped out and took one last look at her, darkness was falling and her thick blanket fit snugly around her, keeping her warm. Far away the light of the city greeted us across the bay…

Believe me when I say if there is anything more enticing than mother nature I would slap myself and I bloody well mean it.

(A bit delayed but better late than never, on location : New hampshire, vermont and south lebanon for their fall colors !!!)

YOU have won !!!

2007-10-24T00:56:00.001+05:30

DON'T GET TOO EXCITED. I HAVENT WON ANYTHING AND MY GUESS IS NEITHER HAVE YOU....

I am sick of those bangwas, chamba, tulo, kerrara and such others.

Everyday I am bombarded by atleast 15 of such phoney characters with details about money in serra leone, ghana, alaska, timbuktu and so on

As if I am so stupid to actually read through their lengthy proposals on how to transfer the money to my account or believe my wealthy god forsaken country man wants to do some good and believes I am the "choosen" one for such a deed.

Ably supported by email lottery winners they drive me nuts each day when I login to my mail box. One good thing here is atleast gmail is able to block them but yahoo for all its security features is never able to screen them out.

How I wish I am able to send these stupid emails back to their senders themselves and see their chagrin as they search for an email amongst these unwanted ones. It would be like sifting through the haystack to find a needle and i seriously hope someone out there teaches them a lesson....

Let me just take a walk down the bay to cool off now.. havent been so pissed for a loong time...

#$%#^#^$% all of them and I seriously mean it this time....

Despair !!!

2007-10-22T10:17:00.000+05:30

I am in a vortex of sorts where I am constantly being sucked into the ensuing chaos, where feelings of guilt, despair and annoyance are in the fore. I can’t pin point even with all my ingenuity where exactly the problem lies. All I do know is I am probably adding misery to mine and possibly someone else life if I don’t figure it out sooner enough.

Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am an assole who wants only the cream. Perhaps a mix of both Yes that’s mostly it. I find that I am not ready to give up, just not yet and I pray each day, pray silently and aloud at times that it’s only me who bears the brunt of my decision.

I constantly try and justify my line of thought but sadly I find that I am lacking, not just in the guts but also in facing the consequences. I know for sure that any pain that they undergo I would bleed painfully and the worst part I would have to pay for my decision by perhaps making my loved ones cry a million times...

I know god has plans for me but I don’t seem to understand how he expects me to unravel these mangled knots that I have inadvertently wound around my life. I realize I will have to pay for my decision which makes me just want to end it all. Its funny I have actually dragged them into the mess and I want to back out because I lack the guts to face the facts, actually a simple truth that for someone like me, I erred by placing them in the picture and now having done that, I ought to be a man and convey my decision.

Never have I ever been in such a quagmire and I really hope everyone else comes out unscathed and clean rather than being hurt, wounded or perhaps a distaste from their experience dealing with me :(

The Long Wait....

2007-10-19T10:27:00.000+05:30

I waited for you so long

but you never came ...

Depressed I began to walk along

Hoping to meet you on the way...

And I kept thinking all along

Was our love that strong ...

Was our friendship that true

With love for me and love for you?

I want to BREAK free.....

2007-10-16T20:57:00.000+05:30

Career change required ? honestly I don't know. I have been in the industry for quite some time and have seen many of its up's and downs. People who worked with me are doing well not that I won't rate myself as doing well or something, I am somewhat in between. And that's because if it's the money or the prestige that decides how well off a person is, then I guess I am doing "well" but my understanding of doing well was primarily something else and would continue to remain so.

I have been contemplating a change since my arrival in this country. Of course I am in the rut to be "in-status" which actually means being a foreigner here I need to fit myself into the demand and not have my demands being fitted into the role. And that's precisely what sucks at this point of time. Sure I have obligations and needs to be fulfilled which mandates being in the rat race for a couple of years more but honestly I don't want to die with my dreams being unfulfilled. At the very least I want to die with the thought that I DID try.

This seems to be the right time, as I don't have any better half obligations and the rest of them I can meet since I have it all planned out. But where should I start? What comes first? I want to do so many things but each of them needs careful planning and dedication. Each day I keep asking myself, whether I am up to the task and sadly the answer is NO. Being a techie is fine, you work in a fast paced environment, you earn respect perhaps money too and of course you are privileged since your work directly effects things around you but all said and done, its not my calling.

I am not tired of being a techie and no I know for sure I do a great job nor am I complaining here, just that at the end of the day I feel underutilized. Back home I always had this scare "log kya kahenge" (what would people say if I do this!!!) but here there is no such feeling. I really feel like breaking out from that classic business suit I have on me right now and just walk free like this gentleman sitting opposite me. At the far end I can see Mr Countryman providing proof of the Doppler effect as he strums his guitar like instrument.

I know their life may not be as simple as I see it they could even be on state benefits, but what I do know is someday I want to do all that because it has been my dream, something that I would love to do and something I really wanted to do.

I miss my college life now because that time grades never bothered me. I was rated a good student and my academics would say so but honestly that's it. Somehow getting straight A's was never on my agenda and any A's I get would definitely make me happy but would just warrant a shrug followed by a grin and nothing else…

I want to break out of this........ I really want to ...........

I agree no one has forced me into this just that as a guy I have always been very conscious about my responsibilities. Somehow growing up, I have placed my obligations more than my personal interests hoping to do it when the demands are less or manageable. I think I have reached that stage now. I know I can manage my responsibilities and chase my dream, all that it requires is some careful planning and know how what comes next.

I feel like a small kid now as I see possibilities. Things that were hitherto forgotten are back in the fore. They all are dancing before me enticing me, demanding my time and attention. I promised myself I will look and I promised myself I will chase them harder.

Sometimes being strong means nothing more than being supportive. Should my chapter close before I subdue them I am confident anyone who honors me by coming for my funeral would really understand the smug look I have on my face as I lie down there in my favorite blue suit in that chestnut casket.

Religious or Spiritual ? why ?

2007-10-11T01:45:00.000+05:30

I was reading a particularly intensive religio-spirituo book ( don't google, there is no such word, and if there really is, any resemblance is purely coincidental). What got into me? Have I decided to give up my IT career and become one of those fraud sanyasis (hermit)?

Well not exactly, I do want to go for a drive or at least a walk but I can't drive to save my life and it's freezing outside. If I do walk, I would probably get lost since I am new to this area and the woods surrounding the place gives me the creeps more so at this time of the day when the sky takes a morbid dull color. Why just today I captured 2 deer's nibbling the grass on my bro's back lawn. I did snap but darn me for gifting my SLR to Indian railways and darn the digicam I carry around since the 12X zoom sucks big time.

The book was confusing, it talked about spirituality and religion and sometimes both in so many different terms/ ways that at the end of it the reader would get confused as to what is religion and what spirituality means. Or perhaps since my knowledge of these saintly matters is as good as my expertise with the financial markets maybe it's just me who's feeling like this. All the same, I do read a lot and many a times abstract things but that has never left me clouded as much as this did. To be honest, I read through the last few chapters only to get the mental satisfaction of having read the book page to page, cover to cover :) . I admit I was that BORED.

At the end of it I was like what was that part in the book referring to? Psychoanalysis or was it parapsychology or was it something else? No it must be spirituality err no religion in this context. Ohh yeah whatever… Geez it sounds more like latin or greek now

So what am I ? religious or spiritualistic? In the context of the book I was neither but you ask me and I would say I am spiritual why ?

because spiritualism

for me is my ability to connect to my inner self. the connection that directly alludes to my authentic nature.

I am spiritualistic because for me there is no difference between the mainstream religious movements. I am able to relate to each and hence am equally comfortable removing my shoes to enter a place of worship to bending on the knees to acknowledge another to cup my hands in reverence to a third.

I am equally comfortable in my own skin and the ideology that a particular religion ascribes to. while i may not accept everything a religion has and question many of its tenets including my own, i don't force my opinions on others nor do i join movements to express my solidarity with them.

I am not and will not get bogged down by the theories floating around as to who came first, who's related to who and who to pray to and i particularly don't get into the power struggles between the various factions including sub sects under my own neither do I try to make sense of the philosophical confusions that center around religion and its relevance.

while religion for me

means spiritually being able to relate to facts and events and acknowledging the presence of the omnipotent by alluding to the actions i do. actions which in turn are dictated by my inner self.

Is the viability of presence of a spiritual perspective which gives me the courage to face challenges and to not be undermined

Means to question without doubt and to find meaningful answers to my problems.

Means to keep my desire, feelings and jealousy distinct and independent of each other.

Means to be understanding, to appreciate, and to evaluate every action in its own merit

so then what are you? religious or spiritualistic? why? .......

its a YEAR old today !!!

2007-10-08T22:44:00.000+05:30

it was a cool October eve when they met at one of those shopping malls. he had been plannin the meet from quite some time you know and every time it was put off. Finally pissed he had to give an ultimatum, which fortunately for him worked, and off he went right from office for the scheduled meeting.

The mall was the place they first met and over what seemed just technical questions, sms had given way to phone calls and they chatted as if they knew each other from long, pulling legs and generally acting smart. It was fine for quite sometime before he felt meeting was necessary since he was forgetting the face.

The dinner at the thai restaurant was great. he was a foodie and had chosen the place carefully and besides it came from high recommendation from all quarters so he was sure about the choice. The funny part being he ran out of gas as he set out to drop her and had to push the bike a good 2 miles before he landed at the nearest gas station. To celebrate his astuteness they settled for ice creams as dessert.

Today things stand different between them. He admits they had their fair share of differences but each time they were discussed on its own merit and while some of them were at times not justified nothing concrete came out from those discussions. she still lead the life she wanted to and he while being open about his displeasure never interfered since it was none of his business.

So apart from being occasionally sarcastic he never had anything to feel let down about. For all that matters he knows if required he would still drop everything and rush to her help but the difference here being unlike before he is not anticipating but waiting for the call.

No 2 people are alike and so is she. and while she may have her share of faults there is one thing that still keeps the relation alive in spite of the distance between them. The reason being the fact that while she can be a total bitch at times, fish around all the time and flirt like hell, he knows for f$^&#$ sure that he still trusts her and so does she. Both of them are too proud to admit the fact that in spite of the differences when you need some sane advice or help you would get it and yep no questions would be asked....

Today its exactly a year since i met you and while i may be far if you happen to ever come reading i just wanted you to know I would never ever let you down, not you of all and certainly not your faith. I admit i can be a moron at times and quite judgmental too but at the end of the day I am just human you see ...

I guess I am too proud to admit all this before you or maybe I am just a coward, either ways it doest matter now, some day you will understand that not every relation is what as it sounds or looks like, sometimes relations are like a volcano, all silent outside but seething hard inside....

Super Dad ? (mostly not) !!!

2007-10-07T04:52:00.000+05:30

My friends son had wet his nappies again and he just sat there chatting away merrily to me about his impending trip as I was asking him to handle the child

Aah forget it, he doesn’t understand the difference between a diaper and a sanitary pad she yelped as she carried away the bawling baby soothing him all along. Which reminds me ….

One afternoon I was sitting with her in my lap when the slight change in the room odour caught me. I did what my sense told me and rushed to the washroom. As expected it all came out. My uncle was aghast. Did you actually do that he asked I mumbled “yeah, I did”. He rattles off how in 30 years of being the patriarch he never has done that, seconded by my aunt who had a sullen "bee-sting" look on her face now.

And now there all of but 2'4" inches stood the difference between my dad’s generation and mine. I am not making any tall claims here neither am I speaking for everyone ostensibly labeled generation X but I among the many guys I know have already taken a few lessons on the basics of parenting.

I don’t need recognition and neither do I need compensation so feminist’s stay off and macho’s go look somewhere else. I admit and I still believe mothers bear the majority of the burden of rearing a child at least in my country they do but it’s also true that belonging to the “male” species I still take decisions that are radically different from choices my folks made decades ago.

Now let me get this thing straight here. Men traditionally play the role of providers for the family they never did any other thing they never showed interest nor where they taught to. They still play the same role at least a vast majority of them, of acting as pillars to provide material stuff. It other words the traditional gender roles still apply. Dad providing and mom managing to make sure we were on right track.

But honestly times are changing. I for starters don’t want to get into that grove. It was definitely hard work for mom as she reared us 4 and while dad was with us, putting it bluntly the influence during early childhood was quite limited. But that doesn’t make him a bad parent, he was and still is an awesome dad, granddad, uncle etc as the case may be

All this is not to tell how terrific a dad I would be if that’s what you think. I rather like to think that I may get something out of this parenting, something that my dad didn’t and as expected neither did my uncle. Honestly there is ample room for improvement and hopefully when the time comes (maybe in another 2 years as I am 2(?) :) now ) I may do better and my kids still better. That’s the hope anyways….

For all you know, I might give my kids some off beat names and diligently document every self important profanity laced insight into rearing on my blog or as I believe the case would be, just be pleased with myself that I am trying my best to be a good parent.

My next generation would probably tell how successful men like me are but right now if you ask me, I guess we just have a different outlook than male species over the last few decades did, maybe we are more interested in our kids and maybe not, but the bottom line being I can tell for sure why and when her butt smells funky…..

She is WORTH it !!!

2007-10-05T05:47:00.001+05:30

She is the cool kinds you know. Not the person who you see in hip clothes, flashing the plastic smile, green/blue eyes looking every bit made up and yeah finally landing up on the podium where the only credentials that allows her to stand there are that she happens to be the better half of someone who has a lineage AND she betters his career record just a tad better ….

She is cool cause she never shows off, she is what she is and no matter what turmoil goes through her life she will still end up saying “I am doing fine, can’t do any better”. You can see her clad in those middle class outfits. No she won’t try and dabble to make sure her earrings, bangles, hair band or other such appurtenances match the outfit rather she is the epitome of simplicity. She has nothing to show up, yet she is so elegant with the little that adorns her countenance.

She looks imperial with each passing day and she just seems to get better. Her touch can heal a thousand wounds and a word from her can subdue even the fiercest of emotions. She is all an unmarried guy can look for in a woman and yet any woman he ever gets close to is so woefully inadequate when in comparison.

She is the superwoman anytime you see her. She can juggle her family, work, children, finances etc with such ease that it puts even the seasoned jugglers to shame. Her dexterity is unmatched by any machine built by man and her fierceness when challenged are the stuff legends are made off.

She can tease you, tantalize you, prod you and of course support you when situation demands yet her aura is seldom acknowledged and more often overlooked. She always happens to be the last person on earth you would go to for help in spite of the fact that perhaps she is the only person on earth who can provide you with an empathetic solution.

She is someone who would always be torn between the various men in her life yet she would never let each men go out of sight. For someone who understood the queers of life she always was the jacket to stand in the life of fire so that your pretty ass was protected. She is someone who dutifully understood the perils of growing up as a “HE” and the tumultuous relation guys have with their fathers

She is aware you are grown up yet her advices never seem to stop. Dismiss then as much as you want, yet seeing her sad is the greatest sorrow you have ever experienced. You could be a disappointment to others but for her you are always the star

But why am I writing this… cause picture this..

Scene I: Her hands shivered as she wrote out the letter the $%#$%#$ manager wanted. No one noticed except the kid and when the news was broken to them, every guy worth his salt stood up in defense. Overnight the conqueror became the subdued. From across the seven seas the wrath was felt and the heat so intense it virtually butchered his “me-macho” ego

Scene two: She was being treated like a movie star, being honored like a lady should be and by everyone including Mr. Macho. As expected the rest of the stuff fell in place….

For all those men out there here is a lesson: (Yep I am a man and no I don’t need to learn it since I did long ago)

You will never find anyone as duty bound, as strong and so very charismatic as HER in your life. So make the best of it

(And yes treat her right if not better)

And for all the women out there who ask the same question over and over again

This is the reason why every man seeks his _______ in them.

For the un-inclined I hope better sense prevails and for the rest lift your hands in reverence for SHE really is “worth it”……..

NGO

2007-10-02T21:05:00.001+05:30

She looked more like a model than a corporate czar you know and her companion the Richard Gere types, very mature and those wrinkles adding to the wisdom he owns. Both looked weary, awfully busy and definitely traveling for business purpose as they got to work the moment we all settled down for take off.

But it looked ridiculous that I sat in between. You see I have never been able to figure out how to get myself an aisle seat on a long flight and these self-check-in kiosks work so slow that all I want to do is get a damn boarding pass and rush through security check. Of course being male has its advantages but not while catching a flight and If you are unaccompanied, single and of Asian heritage you are every inch a potential terrorist which means you might as well be prepared for a looooooong security check. It’s quite annoying at times but that’s a small price to pay to keep those losers out and I certainly don’t mind …..

Mid way through the flight Ms Congeniality asked me what I do for a living. Followed by aah I see from Mr Gere and finally at the end of the 6 hour flight, it was like we have known each other for years. I don’t think I am a conversationalist and I was surprised how deep our talks went. From the indo-pak relations to traffic at these parts from software and client management to religion and sports and so on. At least the long flight seemed to be a lot shorter

They both work for a not for profit agency that caters to children. I used to volunteer for a very famous NGO till I got sucked into the rat race after which I have become a sponsor and the logistics guy than being on the field as I used to before. They reiterated that they would like to hear from me once I get back to their part of the world and I definitely intend to do that.

Children have always been close to my heart and while I admit they can get quite nasty here they are so very innocent all the same. You don’t hate your blood just cause they are nasty at times do you? Similarly these individuals have gradually been so shunned by society that they mistrust people and their intentions. You have to win them over bit by bit, it takes time and once they believe someone likes them the way they are and is ready to support them, most of them get on track meaning a decent education, a good if not a great job and of course spread the general feeling of being-good-do-good attitude.

How successful I am going to be I don’t know, but I certainly do intend to try my very best…

The Aftermath !!!

2007-10-02T20:06:00.000+05:30

i still haven't heard from them. i mean cmon maybe i am just getting antsy for no reasons whatsoever. its just 3 in the afternoon here and perhaps they are working on my case. to be very honest, i would be awfully surprised if they don't call back, sure i made a small mistake at the fag end of the meeting but all the same i would be really surprised if that works against me.....

You know its unnerving and a very hard feeling that maybe i let them down. Aah well atleast i did the best i could given the circumstances and i would never doubt myself on that...

its been 2 days since i got her email and i am still thinking over it. you see i am vacillatating between "thinking about it" to "taking action" and right now since my mind is clouded with other details, i choose to sit tight. this is not something that i can decide at the spur of a moment and like i said, if i decide to go ahead, it would require convincing a lot of people and these people mean a lot to me.

i am actually between the devil and the deep sea. on one hand is the reason why i came here and the other is the reason that may decide the course of my life. tell you what, my best bet would be to take it easy and decide when i am more composed. I certainly intend to do that.

i do hope i get to come back. sure traffic sucks as also the cost of living but yet i surely want to come back. whether i do time will decide. if you like to travel like i do living out of a bag wouldn't be a problem et all rather its taken as some of the perks that form an essential part of your personality :).

i have another flight to catch exactly 6 hours after i land and right now getting some good sleep and possibly a safe ride home are on top of my mind. Dont want to land up with the homicide department for not doing my homework.....

City of "The Bay" !!!

2007-10-01T09:59:00.001+05:30

It was a whirl wind trip across the city landscapes. I had just one day to spare and it was a jam packed schedule. The initial few hours were spent in meeting those long lost buddies who are in this part of the world and the evenings were reserved for my family namely my cousin sis and bro in law who reside her with her cute 1 year old daughter and my uncle and aunt.

Time sure flies and as the city tour ended today I must say I have achieved almost everything I had set out to do when I initially made the plan to come here. To talk about this city, it’s congested. I see a lot of people from my part of the continent and lesser locals here but I aint complaining. In addition this city is known as the Gay capital of the world.

It’s scenic, well kept and more importantly it entices you with its sheer beauty. Be it the suspension bridge or the impossible to escape prison nestled in the middle of the sea. Each of them has this propensity to attract you with its wicked smile.

A walk along the bay fuels that feeling of intrigue and its sheer beauty really enamors you. I could have walked for miles and miles along the shore but certain parts of it were closed for pedestrians and traffic darn my luck…

As is my style, I bought memorabilia nothing expensive just something that reminds me of where I had been and when. While the rest of the stuff was expensive I got what I wanted. I initially wanted to buy some shot glasses but then I don’t have a place to display them at least not now so I decided against it.

Those quaint little islands surrounded by the sheer expanse of the pacific ocean was so breathtaking. I remember taking out my cam to click some arial pictures but then decided against it given the paranoia related to air travel in this part of the world.

I am sure I loved the place. It feels like home for the simple fact that I have some friends here and an immediate family which means I won’t feel left out but then coming back or deciding to settle here is not in my hands. I had my chance to make an impression and I am sure I did a fair job, the rest as they say will happen…

Tomorrow I head back, and Tuesday I may be flying out to again to somewhere else but I admit I am looking forward to it. I just got the email from her that conveyed our “horror”scope don’t match. Not that it matters to me but I need time to convince myself that the escapade is worth the effort and that means come up with reasons to justify to people who mean so much to me why this should take place.

Some good some bad but all the same memories but I am trying my best to retain only the good ones while sift out the not to pleasant ones. As for her, I will need to think and come up with a solution real quick. It’s important and I am banking on the good times I had here to let me come up with a amicable solution for the quagmire I am in….

Tagged !!!

2007-09-04T00:35:00.000+05:30

I got tagged a new format from Morbus so here goes.

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it.

I've a scar on my forehead. It doesn't look like a scar anymore. I got it when I fell as I was jumping from the bed to the sofa and so on.

2. What does your phone look like? List your reasons to buy it?

I own a Motorola V3i. I liked the sleekness of that model and also the fact that not everyone knows how to play around with that phone and check my messages, pictures, videos etc :).

3. What is on the walls of your bedroom?

A mirror and a note I keep reading so as to retain my sanctity

4. What is your current desktop picture?

Picture of my 2 nieces Arya and Aditi. I never seem to get enough of them !!!

5. Do you believe in gay marriage?

Nope. In fact I am amused when I see gays and believe me in this country there are lots of them.

6. What do you want more than anything right now?

A consulting position has been on my mind on the job front, but if that’s too high for you, I can settle for a blackberry phone !!! :)

7 . What time were you born?

11:15 PM on a Friday. Pushed my sister away to get out first and hence technically I am the elder one.

8. Are your parents still together?

Yep. They will be till death does them apart I am sure.

9. Last person who made you cry?

My mom. She has that funny way of making those tear glands work overtime.

10. What is your favorite perfume / cologne?

I like Brut, but honestly anything that is light and has a mild perfume to it is fine.

11. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex?

Hair: Black
Eye : Reddish brown big eyes J!!

12. What are you listening to? Why?

A mal song called “Ithale Veru”. Why?? Cause its got simple lyrics and great music!!!

13. Do you get scared of the dark?

Well. It depends. I'm not scared of dark when it's not dark around me!

14. Do you like painkillers?

They should be banned actually. They give Pain”Givers” like us a run for our money !!!. Well actually I don’t know I don’t like taking medications unless it’s required.

15. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

I don’t think so. I have asked and have been privileged to host them too :).

16. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?

Umm it has to be the awesome Onam sadya I had back home.

17. Who was the last person who made you mad?

My friend A#$%. For playing mental games with me …..

18. List one habit you have that has the potential to annoy people?

Umm, I photograph/ take video's of my good friends without their knowledge. Needless to say some of them are pissed when they see them :) !!!

19. Who was the last person who made you smile?

My nephew. At 4 months his smile is what you would call the “million dollar” smile!!!

As is the rule, In return I tag Ms Canada, Vidya, Sue and Ancient Mariner !!!

A New Beginning !!!

2007-09-01T19:03:00.000+05:30

The initial few days and I cant seem to understand what the “Ohh wow you are in ___“ exclamation is all about. I mean I can hardly figure out what am I doing here in the first place leave alone see the silver lining.

To begin with things are pretty much different from what’s it like back home. For starters I have to do the following

Get my math right. A dime, quarter, nickel etc are all valuable change so learn to do a quick math and figure out the loose change you may require especially if you are like me and cant drive to save your life. To top it all the public transport here doesn’t give you change (Apparently it’s for safety reasons and if you ask me, yep anything is possible in this country)

Learn to drive, I wish I could bike to office but then who in this part of the world bikes unless they are crazily stupid or filthy rich or are auditioning to be a part of MTV roadies and such (theatrical) reality shows…

Be good at conversions. As I said earlier the math part pounds, stones, miles, rocks err whteverrrrrrr.

Being polite. I guess I always am and my brief stint in UK helped but then too it’s not surprising to find strangers wishing you a good day, thanks etc at any point of time.

Learn to sift through the vast amount of information. E.g. to buy milk, I had to distinguish between low fat, low calorie, organic, vhl, dhl, fedex (not really, I am being sarky here) kinda milk. Just gimme some damn milk for god sake, I don’t care if it’s from a cusp between a bull and a cow, I just need some god damn milk yaar….

Drinking water is available right from the kitchen tap and also tissues are used for everything. Right from mopping up after a spill to swap a dish dry to cleaning the table to you know what (something too gross to write actually)

Sizes are large. So kiss medium/small sizes good bye. This explains why the 20 year old rookie in office is twice my size and can crush me with a single punch and I always cribbed back home that tee’s I like even in those fly by night malls are too tight across the chest for me. Here one tee I would buy can double as a coat, a long john and also a blanket for me…..

Expect paper work and no you are not exempted cause you work for a fortune 5 firm, or you dad happens to be the president. Everything needs documentation (read state ID, license, Student ID, NGO id etc). Which reminds me while in UK, I was refused entry to the club where I worked as the bouncer felt I am underage when I was actually 23 years old. I finally had to call the bar manager and ask him to bail me out since the bouncers wont let me in spite of the fact that I was in uniform.

Get used to order and calmness around. Back home we wont cross the parking lot without being cautious since we never know who can mow us down next but out here the silence kills me, I really wish there were lotsa people and sounds around me for a change….

Well now that I am already in I might as well soak in the experience. In any case I belong to a clan (fraudulently of course) whom you can find even if you happen to land on the moon and woe betide me if I show them down !!! :)

I am AFRAID !!!

2007-08-21T06:18:00.000+05:30

I am afraid

Of growing OLD because I find my loved ones getting increasingly insecure :(

I am afraid

Of LOSING the child within me as I am getting increasingly conscious of my age

I am afraid

Of telling someone how much they mean to me as I have LOST faith in relations

I am afraid

Of telling what’s on my mind least my CONCERNS are misconstrued

I am afraid

Of starting a life in a new land as I am losing my ABILITY to challenge myself

I am afraid

Of losing my simplicity as I can’t ADJUST to my modest surroundings.

I am afraid

Of failing to meet their needs as I have failed my FINANCIAL competence test

I am afraid

Of marriage as I am unwilling to become a LIABILITY to others life.

I am afraid

Of the CHANGING tides as it questions my focus and my planning

I am afraid

Of being LONELY as I feel I can no longer inspire a conversation or a deed.

I am afraid

Of the NEW me as I am nothing I want to be and everything I hate to be

...........

Three meetings and a shocker !!!

2007-07-29T02:29:00.000+05:30

One of those long lazy Saturdays when all that’s on your mind is to sleep, sleep and more sleep if not lazing out. I did just that till late morning when I realized I had to meet a friend in fact 3 of them and meeting each of them at the appointed time could mean sticking to my pre defined agenda with a tenacity not seen any other time.

So off I went to meet Ancient Mariner. Yeah it’s a guy and no I am not gay I am rather straight but then this meet was being on the radar for long and I am glad I could finally make it today. It’s always nice to meet people who think the same way as you do or rather on an identical wavelength if not the same. Needless to say we talked about everything with me even sharing my propensity to hate this shady character who seems to take on the role of “love interest” of a mutual friend.

Next stop a high octane bull rush chase through impeding traffic to my old flat at a bustling part of the city. Considering the accident I just had, I was wondering if I would make it on time but I reached exactly 2 minutes before the allotted time and as I parked and ambled towards the foyer, I could see my friend looking at her watch and smiling “Always on time huh !! I like that “I nodded wiping off the sweat from my palms as only I knew what it took to be on time :)

It was an analyst meet and we both were deeply engrossed on dissecting her data and using the slice and dice rule to evaluate the pro’s and cons of each. While normally I would just listen and let her do the talking this time around it was the other way around with me doing the talking and she the listening. The only thing that didn’t change was of course the argument that we need to get into just as we were about to conclude. 7 months of knowing each other and it’s this step that’s always repeated. Not that it matters we do appreciate each other the way we individually are which is why the next day all’ forgiven and forgotten and its time to begin the next fight Bring e’m on !!!.

It was nearing 9 when I left and I had just under 40 minutes to make it. I arrived a good 10 minutes early but then with the whole city out on the roads, I am glad I made it at least. We sat down for another round of coffee and chatted at leisure about those good old times. This whole meet and the trip came at a very critical time. My friend had a flight to catch in less than 3 hours and asking for a detour from the planned landing point was actually quite harsh but yet it was made without even a slight sign of exasperation sigh!! Well I am pretty lucky I still have people who quite willingly go that extra mile. As I dropped my friend at the airport, my hands went to my bag and I gaily handed out a fancy package that was my gift for the upcoming happiness in my friend’s life.

As the package changed hands and the boarding announcement came in, I was treated to a shocker. Those eyes they seemed to say all. I was dumb founded. It was a fact and it stared at me right at my face but then it was just too late. As the soft hands that engulfed my shoulders and chest moved away the uncanny silence and the restlessness in my eyes were felt right to the lowest strata but there was precious little I could do apart from managing a smile and a wave.

I watched the figure disappear and yet I could never figure out why after all this it hurt. I guess I was too selfish and lost in my own materialistic demands and want to even realize that being always around when needed was perhaps one of the reasons why I was noticed.

No doubt it hurt like hell for a long time over and with it my sense of being fair was also tarnished. God why the bloody #$$# am I so antsy then. I have half a mind to actually call Chaubey and land up at one of those snazzy pubs and get drunk like hell.

But then alcohol had never been one of my choicest beverages but then neither was milk. Besides the only good thing about getting drunk is I would just shut up which actually is a rarity considering I can go on and on and on and the second being I wouldn’t know a thing till next morning at the least and right now exercising my non existent brain cells was something I was quite averse to doing. I can’t believe I am actually going through this not when I had decided never again after one of my recent experiences.

It’s a classic case of wanting to cross the river but never actually taking a step to swim across against the tide!!!

Sometimes I can really curse myself like an old hag and actually go to sleep with those insults riding my mind till unconsciousness takes over alcohol or not and today was just the day!!

A new day awaits me tomorrow and hopefully with dawn those feeling of exasperation and helplessness would make way to a better day. I tell you these relations are an awesome thing but just make sure you leave your bag of emotions locked away since feeling too much is a sin and feeling too less a crime and somehow finding a mid point is just not the forte of mere mortals like me.

Dear God,

Please let me be the way I want to be sans all the emotions please. I honestly wish I had an inbuilt on-off button as I would really like to switch off when you do a rerun of those not so happy parts!!!

Good night.

The Avenger!!!.

Mom's Advice!!!

2007-07-23T23:07:00.000+05:30

My mom would always tell me not to do it and dad would freak out when I wouldn’t do it but then I was far too civilized according to me to believe in all these nuances.

After all I am a city bred and modernity ran in my blood how could I follow such mundane traditions never mind the fact that doing it never required anything but a smile and a few golden words.

I had a hard day in office and believe me I was feeling lazy like hell since when I stepped out. All I wanted to do was just sit under a waterfall and hopefully soothe my over heated nerves. As I reached a prominent junction in the city a friend of mine called and wanted to meet me and needed my help. I agreed reluctant but it was fine, just a matter of about an hour I thought. An hour gave way to a couple more and before I knew it, it was well past 9 at night.

To make matters worse things were pretty fine till we argued for some trivial matter and finally it ended up with me feeling agitated. As I dropped my friend off and speed on, she warned me to be careful and drive carefully. Not that I am rash anytime, maybe my mood swing was caught while I still pretended I guess. Anyways I waved and speed away...

As I entered the driveway to reach my place, I speed up a bit. All that argument had made me hungry and I just wanted to have something to eat, a hot bath and sleep. Suddenly out jumped a middle aged guy on a bike right onto the traffic, I braked with all my might, my bike screamed but it was too late, there was a loud thud, his bike flew away as if it was made of paper and he landed right in front of me over the asphalt road with a thud.

I froze it was my first accident since I began biking almost 12 years ago and the enormity of the situation was too striking for me to do anything. The sticky feeling, the gut feeling in my throat, the cold hands and feet and the rapidly beating heart i had all of them at the same time. I watched in empathy as he was helped by others and he hobbled on one leg to where his bike lay. I ensured he was fine and since it was not my fault I left.

4 hours down the line, I still can’t sleep. No its not my wound that are keeping me awake rather its the pain i feel deep down my heart. I had seen such scenes only in Hollywood movies and today it happened to me. It’s at that point of time I remembered my mom and why she hated me saying a bye after an argument….

I won’t deny the fact that my tiff with my friend was on my mind and I was being increasingly getting agitated over being misunderstood over a trivial matter but then it would cause me so much mental agony I had never dreamt off.

I do hope sleep comes to me naturally before fatigue gets to me and I also hope I would be fine tomorrow and can rest the ghosts of today’s incident….

One thing is for sure, I am definitely going to follow what my mom wished for so long. As for my friends who are guessing what the request is all about, wait till I meet you any evening and you will realize what “Moms request” is all about…..

Traffic Truths !!!

2007-07-17T19:32:00.000+05:30

For every traffic jam on a non conventional road, there is a WOMAN involved.

For every such jam, there are THOUSAND MEN converging and cursing the driver!!

Every weird vehicular / horn sound heard anytime during graveyard hours belongs to the BPO cab drivers !!!

BIKERS have the same pedigree as pilots. The foot paths are exclusively for their use.

To KISS AND RUN means to be smart enough to run away from the scene after causing a dent to the vehicle ahead of you.

Last but not the least “Left is not right” rather “MIGHT IS RIGHT”.

Don’t believe me try driving on our roads and you will understand

what I mean !!! …..

The Journey !!!

2007-07-15T21:07:00.000+05:30

It’s the usual morning, the sun’s in bright and on time flooding my room with warmth, the kind you get when you are back to familiar territory...

It would be my last trip to this much loved land and while I admit having spent quite sometimes in different cities both within and outside the country, there never seems to a place which entices me with such ferocity as this place does. I am always into the relapse mode during each visit and still savor the memories that each beam, path, house, neighbors etc bring.

Times have surely changed. I am no longer the trouser clad, lean lilliputian guy who ran around dishing out one calamity after another much to the chagrin of my loved ones. Today I am more composed, taller NOT tall neither SHORT ( this is for you rash :) geez !!! ), not lean, and definitely not fat but an athletic frame. The absence of facial hair earlier on has now given way to a freshly shaved face and the only thing that has still remained as earlier is my receding hairline and of course my attitude. I am yet to figure out how to tackle either of them and fortunately I am in no hurry….

At the crack of dawn I was all raring to go. The elders tried to dissuade me mentioning my lack of geography, masked men, murderers, serial killers etc on the prowl looking for unsuspecting victims like me but I was in no mood to relent. Besides not only have I traveled far and wide all by my self but my will power and desire were just too strong to get stymied by such frivolous excuses. I waved a bye promising them an early return and to be in touch as always…

My journey took me across the breadth of my chosen land and unknown to my victims I always made a dramatic landing at their tharavadu ( or ancestral home). The eyes still remained the same, the health was not pretty good but the determination and their principles were still intact. What’s more the same learning and morality were imbibed by all those around them and I was glad to admit that me too am a by product of the same school of thought.

As they peered through those ageless wonders at my face trying to figure out the jeans and jersey clad lad who could only speak the mother tongue and still found them out, the ends of their lips would expand to a radiating smile, the hands would stretch out for a loving embrace and a bear hug would ensure the relation that was lying dormant for 20+ years was resuscitated. Thanks to technology I am able to put each one of them within striking distance to my whole family and my camera would go click click click storing the images, sounds and human warmth in my memory and laptop for further use.

A typical scene enacted at each of the ageless wonder I had set out to meet ignoring the warnings, bad weather and of course issues that would not work to my advantage. And to my credit lies spending a night out in freezing cold at the bus stand. This place is known for sudden strikes and hartal and since I couldn’t read or write in the local language I was unaware of it. Thanks to the street dogs that crowded around me for food and warmth I was safe and of course I loved the feeling of those rain drops bounce off my face besides being water proof from birth also helped :).

It was time for me to bid a tearful adieu, I may not see them for a long time to come but I was glad I made an attempt and was successful in reaching them. To be honest just seeing their smile made the journey of thousand miles worth so much more.

Friday evening, time for me to depart. I checked my stuff, everything is in order. I stood and took one last look at a black and white photo of mine that adorned the freshly painted wall. Right next to that are my other family members. I smiled I had achieved all that I had set out on this trip and my satisfaction levels were very high.

Amid all the chaos I am rained with hugs and kisses from practically everyone who seem to matter. Being the last male progeny amongst the second generation helped and I was accorded my usual “Prince” status. I deftly dodged cheeky questions about marriage and my girl friends with the panache of a seasoned pro. Hell no, its not that I think village belle are no good or are too old fashioned for me but first things first I hate the tradition of going to see a “girl”. I won’t ever do that and second I am an obnoxious buffoon who appears proud and with a stiff upper lip. For someone to tear through the mask it takes effort and more importantly time but then I was never so interesting nor the tom cruise types so there goes my hopes on that :)

Sometimes just sometimes you always have this feeling to go back to your old self, to re live the life that you lead sans the worries the troubles or the heartaches that seem to cloud you so much more and my recent trip was my way of getting back to my past.

The place I am headed to, I have seen, heard and have experienced that human values and emotions don’t have much prominence and bound that I am to my country and its rich tradition and heritage I just felt I need to get my bag full before I depart.

My journey of a thousand miles began with a small step and with each movement I felt my goal being near. As I touched each one of those who have touched me in their lives I felt like a kid once more and more importantly a pride as I still am the way they wanted me to turn out to be and I don’t ever intend to let them down.

My bag was heavy it had to be as it was not just full it had enough in it to last till my next trip whenever it happens !!!

As for now let me just rest as the next chapter in my life begins soon enough .......

MBBS !!!

2007-06-24T16:10:00.000+05:30

You come across many people in your work life who seem to have this "Devils Wears Prada" actions to the core. So now that we all have entered the rat race would anyone add what kinda work colleagues they like?

My personal taste has always been for a team thats young at heart. Nope the fairer sex in such a team doenst wear mini skirts and neither are the men all Machos, rather they have an attitude and a mind of their own and that what makes working with them a pleasure.

They are the kinda people who are hands on and who by their sheer energy brings so much to the team. I personally have some of my team guys who are just too good at rolling their sleeves and getting their hands dirty especially when they are not fire fighting. Sure we havent won each time we competed, but then who cares about loses as long as it WAS a team effort and each person undoubtedly gave their best.

But having said that its also important to work with people of different abilities, because at the end of the work day you are thankful you are amongst the priveleged class and hence wont have to take such obnoxious morons anymore and not just that, you seem to appreciate things around you so much more !!!!

Unfortunately most of my Team guys have moved to greener pastures. Some left, some moved to a different project, and others to different business units and when it was time for me to leave we all got together just one last time to celebrate what we call "The Work Life".

Needless to say, it was indeed a pretty good send off party and while I may miss them more, I am sure I am being pushed around to this part of the world only to experience more....

Right now, the present team is filled with all MBBS or expanding it a little more "Member of Big Bum Society" where the only focus is on warming of the seats and procrastinating during crisis to finally doing rounds of the beaurocracy thats so very prevalent amongst the political class...

Its an attitude thats very much existing in my countrymen who still go by the belief "The Winner Takes It All". I agree not everyone can be a Gandhi and lead by example but is it so difficult to be principled than molly cuddle the decisive class?

I would rather survive on plain water than do that and for the rest of the people who do so, good luck and best wishes for some better sense to prevail soon enough....

Weird Things!!!

2007-06-24T15:31:00.000+05:30

Winnie asked me to write a post on 6 weird things about me and then tag the rest of the crowd and so here goes,

1. I cannot share what I am drinking with anyone not even my siblings or parents and would refuse outright if asked :(. I can also survive for days on a staple diet of Coffee, Coffee and more Coffee.

2. Crowds terrify me, leave me alone in a crowded place and i will just stand where you left me unable to move further.

3. I am a certified "Penny wise Pound Foolish Peronality" !!!.

4. I hate formal wear and am suffocated when i am in them. i cant button my cuffs and need to have them loose and hanging around else i feel asphyxiated.

5. I can shop only for myself and my siblings, never for anyone else as I just cant seem to figure out what to buy !!!

6. I am floored when I see tall women and more so if they happen to be mal :).

And so I tag Ms Canada, Vidya and Prats !!!!

Its Raining Yipeee !!!

2007-06-22T14:46:00.000+05:30

Yipeeeeeeee its raining , its raining yeaaaaaaa….

You know what I love about the rains, they bring out the silence in me, I feel nostalgic, I am upbeat, I feel romantic and more importantly I feel just so great with all the freshness and greenery around.

While right now in this concrete jungle all I can spot is an overflowing drains, garbage and monster bikes and cars with agitated and frequently honking denizens inside. They surely have no clue on how to enjoy a rainy day. Honestly I too was in the rat race about a month back and as I am writing this post, I am sure unless I have a deadline I would be just right out there getting my free spirit soaked.

And that’s exactly what I did, rushed home, changed over and just rode a little distance to have an uninterrupted view of the city sans its burgeoning traffic and infrastructure woes. The city is great and having said that apart from the climate and intense competition which is good for my career prospects there is nothing so great about it. All the problems that can be associated with urbanization can be found here and it’s only going to get worse.

But hey what the hell, I am just going to be around for a short time more now and who knows perhaps come back and be buried here. I would love to settle down in my this adopted homeland for reasons mentioned above and more but then writing about them would warrant an all together different post :)

But then I am more of an realist and lesser of a romantic and in spite of the fact that I would love to walk in the rain with someone I love, not worry about getting sick the next day etc or generally just letting the feeling of sheer bliss soak in I am yet to come across that someone special who can retain the feeling within me each time I see the rain.

Besides it would take a lot more than just feelings to tolerate an obnoxious buffoon like me and it’s only the seriously “brave” who might want to take a chance. Lesser mortals have fallen flat on their face and once so have I, so I guess there goes the romancing in the rains idea…..

The best bet for a rainy day as such if you cannot step out would you be top yourself with your favorite drink on your balcony or an open space, sit back, relax and soak in the calmness that the environment brings. Suddenly the world ceases to exist and lost in your own world, you experience the sheer power that belief in oneself brings!!!

Rain drops are falling rapidly on me and I am soaked within seconds but yet I just can’t seem to have enough of it. Sorry can’t help it, It’s not always that I am so spirited and optimistic not at least for the past few months :).

Enjoy the rains dearies……………….

Bye Bye My Dear O'L Home !!!

2007-06-17T18:50:00.000+05:30

Four walls make up a house but does a house maketh a home? What do you do when the place you called a home ceases to become yours for reasons whatsoever?

As I stepped out from the place I called a home I was left with a feeling of nostalgia. I had spent a major part of the last 2 years stacking the memories that each passing day bought, some good some bad, but most of them precious moments I would never be able to forget for the rest of my life.

There was a time when I would rush from office just to be with my little darlings. Each passing day was like a party and their antics played not just a therapeutic role but also an enriching one and I had immense pride seeing them grow up before my very eyes. Not to forget the antics were also instrumental in distracting me from the mundane life I held and the pressures I faced ….

But my birdies flew away some time back since someone else on account of having a relation that weighs higher awaited them and it’s just right that they fly away. Things were never the same once they left the nest but nevertheless I had enough memories that ensured I shared my private moment with them each day just like the good old days.

As I lit the lamp, prayed and later stacked up to leave, all these memories came flooding in again, each pillar each room had a distinct flavor of its own and I savored them all for the last time. Times are changing and the tree lined boulevards are giving rise to newer entrants and still newer changes but somehow I regaled in those good old memories since they seemed so very precious at this point of time.

I stepped out bags, baggage and memories, I may not see the same place for an awfully long time but I was glad I carried the things that were most precious and counted the most to me wherever I went…

Life …. Here I come …..

Life as I see it !!!

2007-06-08T01:35:00.000+05:30

Its amazing how feeling low makes me feel like writing. Not that my ramblings every made sense but nevertheless my page is for me and I am sure no one would care if it doesn’t make sense in the first place.

Its too early to brand myself a loser or perhaps a tad like someone who’s got something missing between the ears but just that I was never good at what is called "The Life".

I am yet to turn myself away so as not to see someone cry and not bother to find what ails them...

I don’t bow before the demi gods, the god men and the so called wise, sure they intimidate me but I still take them on as always with my head held high because I BELIEVE even if you are not brave pretend to be, no one can tell the difference (and till date no one has)....

I am yet to utilize someone or something for my personal gain than appreciating what’s its supposed use is for. I may not give you the complete credit but I wont snatch it away from you completely either.

I am not a “YES” man, Have a mind of my own and so also an opinion. Which means I wont accept your viewpoint simply for the sake of appeasement, and hence you can reject me or accept me, whatever you choose its fine with me (my fav dialogue)

{vids and tom must be shouting over the rooftops in unison I know}

I play fair or rather try my best to be fair which means if you don’t quite agree to my decision you need to prove me wrong and just like the court of law, my decisions are deemed to be correct unless proven otherwise.

I like to do what I can for most people I meet which means even if I am aware I am being utilized I play along, cant let people or an act change the way the basic tenets of living has been taught to me can I?

I play myriad roles in this so-called life, and I take each one of them very seriously. They may / may not be the fundamental role a self respecting guy needs to play but I have always made a honest attempt to do my best in each of them...

So you see I am no good at living this so called "the life" and if I have the say in this, I guess I would probably never be....

And appreciated you are !!!

2007-05-31T23:41:00.000+05:30

I won’t be famous nor would I exist in the limelight for long. Sure I had my fair share of basking in glory but I have consciously avoided being in the glare and would stand only and only if there is no other way out. Let’s just say my childhood experiences were a great teacher and have molded me this way.

So since I was asked today I thought maybe I should just try and qualify what would I say be an inspiration for me. Well for starters I don’t look for high status or an aura surrounding a personality. Sure by being famous you kinda tend to intimidate me at the onset but I guess I am yet to come across any “Famous” personality who can get me hooked all the time.

I had a Bollywood superhero sitting next to me on a flight and while others gawked I was just wondering how artificial he is even in personal life. He did everything to prove the same going over the same typical actions that have been repeated in each of his movies since I began to watch them… aaah so much for being a celebrity….

My inspirations have been typical commoners and sometimes a few high fliers. They are people who most of us can identify with. They are not the one(s) with the greatest talent, beauty or intelligence. Neither are they a hotshot career oriented personalities, new age gurus or worse still religious heads (as if we didn’t have enough of gods and goddesses, caste and caste wars, religions and religious fanatics).

But if you ask me, I wish I had their qualities. Sure I learned enough and I still am but I lack the courage, the planning or the dedication to pursue my life the way they do. Nope I don’t make them feel like demi gods or follow their whims and fancies to the core, rather I am ready to assail them when it’s required. But all said and done I am at times convinced their reasons are stronger than mine and hence the behavior is justified.

Makes sense doesn’t it. If someone can beat you with good and proven reasons than factual ones the sober ones would bow their heads and accept defeat. I feel no harm in doing so on the contrary I respect them for being unrivaled in their thinking and actions.

My inspirations in life have always been people who have loved a lot, and lost a lot including love. Their experiences are real and they are battle hardened and each experience only adds to their kitty of skills if not anything else. Yes they do lead a mediocre life, where in spite of the push pull factors surrounding their daily lives they live for the day and not tomorrow.

It was through one of those social sites that I met Ms X, sure nothing else was happening but as times flew up I realized there is so much about this person that I appreciate.

Never mind the fact that it’s all artificial but as the interactions grew I was convinced my analysis of X was correct to the core. In any case I was willing to face out the consequences of a not too exact profile picture.

Today we are worlds apart. Me in my own messy world where I compete in the rat race as that’s the way I was bought up and X in her world where things never seem to change.

I admire the ability to shrug things off and move ahead thinking “Well it could have been worse”. The nature of putting others before self and most importantly being content with what comes her way. I admire the courage, the desire to do good and most importantly to give without reservation in spite of the fact that things haven’t been ever “very good” for her since times immemorial.

I sure hope I learn to be happy the way you are so that when angels who bring in good times carry me out with them, I learn to appreciate it rather than worry about losing out or hurting someone else in the process.

I know you would come by and read this post and I do hope you understand how much you are loved, respected and appreciated albeit in my own small but insignificant way.

That’s the way I am and have been. Like I always say

I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked all of them and was never loved by all of them ... !!!

Thanks for making a difference …..

The Avenger !!!

Fridays with The Avenger !!!

2007-05-25T22:05:00.000+05:30

Naa, its not a rip off from the famous book "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom my latest read. However I must add, I found many aphorisms in them, some of which I could relate to practically in every sense since I do the same ....

I hate such books but she thrust it to my hands obviously wanting me to read and I didn’t want to turn the offer down. What the heck it’s just a book, it won’t take my life for Christ sake anyways....

Sure enough, I finished the book in a days time, but what mattered more was how at least some if not all could be imbibed by each one of us. We have it all within us and yep we keep staring at each of these truths day in and day out, but we are so grossed in our position in the rat race that we seldom see to take notice.

Looking back I guess I too was a part of it. I wasn’t bad, I mean I would never work so hard to come out tops in the rat race, but I wasn’t so pathetic either to come last. I prefer the mid position and I was kinda liking the pace at which I was traversing each point in life. In the process I lost some, I gained some, but nevertheless life just went on..

One thing the whole episode has taught me was to be a little more patient with others. Naa I haven’t got "patience personified" status, just that I am more tolerant of others a lil bit more than I was till last time....

I am not complaining, compassion is not alien to me in any case and besides I like doing what I can irrespective of what others say. As we chomped on the last piece of Pizza, gulped down the soda and headed for the movie, I was surprised at my patience and how we were at loggerheads till last night and tonight she is my unofficial date...

First lunch, then a movie and finally a late night coffee and as I waved her a good bye, I couldn’t help but smile, I was beginning to live what I had just read and the experience was indeed wonderful as described....

They say a good book is like a heart felt experience and needless to say I lived most moments if not all as I perused the latest one...

A New Role Awaits !!!

2007-05-08T23:03:00.000+05:30

That’s how we have always been you know. When one remains silent the other talks animatedly and vice versa. With the passage of time too, that behaviour hasn’t changed.

Now as I sit around and reminisce about those growing up years I cant help but wonder how time just flew by. Everything seems like it just happened yesterday. Even now during this period of intense activity and fluctuations where my mood rapidly vacillate between extreme stress or moodiness I cant help but enjoy the nostalgic feeling that they bring leading to a pronounced smile across my visage.

Now I have received a promotion and I am an uncle for a third time. What a fine time to add another darling to my already existing pair. Unfortunately like last time, this time too I would not be around to experience the sheer joy of watching him grow up as I would be leaving on a jet plane soon but neverthless I am excited and with that the prospect of finding a good enough name for him.

Not that I havent found one as yet, I have but I would have loved to give that name to my brothers kid when he begins a family but looks like I would have to tax my non existent brain cells once again when that happens as right now someone else demands my chosen name.

I do have a lot of avuncular pride more so since they are my immediate darlings and I cant help but thank god for considering me worthy enough of this position as also making sure that both mom and the kid are healthy and doing quite well.

As I pack my stuff to set up my appointment with the latest entrant I realise this wouldn’t have come at a much better time. Deep down my heart flutters and with that the pride returns, its time to take charge of a new role and a new responsibility and I am pretty sure I can handle this as best as it would ever get.

“Vedant”… here I come……………

To be an ASS or not to be ???

2007-05-01T01:01:00.000+05:30

Today my friend and me parted ways. This person I WANT to call as my friend since I can’t recall any short comings during the short period that we were together. I admit we had our differences but somehow I never felt it would reach this stage when even communicating would become a problem.

Of course it hurts, primarily because I am yet to come to terms with the fact that even an odd message is a sign of interference. Thinking about the events of the past few days I just wanted to vent out my feelings and I did the mistake of calling my friend up......

I should have known the last thing that this person wants was to know is if I am still alive and kicking. Not that I wanted to but I unconsciously did which makes me feel awful at times and wonder if I am really bad as I am portrayed to be ?

Tell you what sometimes coming across as a person with lotsa feelings is equivalent to committing hara kirri since the only person losing out is you. How I wish I was a self conceited idiot and am able to leave my bag of emotions at home. Hoping someone understands is akin to asking for a favor and when the whole world conspires to do what you want, its just my fate that the ONLY person who should responds reads the heartache like a newspaper report and moves on as if its a routine one....

Maybe I should be really be an assole as in that case the one and the only thing that really matters would be ME, ME and only ME.

I would't mind if I am kicked on my behind for not making myself understood but giving up without even conferring me with a decent chance was like being dropped like a hot potato and somehow the reality is yet to sink in simply because I am eccentric but I am human and I exhibit all the emotions a normal human being has...

That's my feeling and I should have known my feelings at this point of time are like dirt & they can be swiped clean anytime it’s felt like.....

If only I was really understood ATLEAST once, maybe I am really worse, maybe I am not, maybe I should really leave my emotions behind as if not anything else they really make me feel so lost, dejected and of course hurt beyond repair :( ……......

Aaaaaaaaaah so much for being so considerate .........................

Happy Vishu...

2007-04-16T23:22:00.000+05:30

umm a new year has dawned and with it another year that seems full of hope and cheer. its been a hectic week and with that the final nuts and bolts that determine my next step were firmly being put in place.

yep, its packing time. time for me to fly, fly across the seven seas where I would be testing the turbid waters once again. That's my life you see just when I seem to settle down the monotony of things gets to me and I spread my wings and fly once again in search of better pastures. Aaah if ONLY I had the power to reign in my mind, I guess I would have asked "What exactly do you need in the first place?".

That’s enough as I write this I see adnan sami's new song "Teri Yaad". well apart from the fact that he has a rich voice, I am sick of his love stuck songs. He looks quite old and he always tries to serenade someone half his age which reminds me of those malayalam/tamil movies where the hero is usually the herione's fathers age and still ( I mean it) still plays the college guy running around trees.

Wonder of wonders, he is accepted in this role too and as usual the movie rakes in the moolah. clap !! clap !! clap !!. Producers happy, the actors are happy and so are the good entertainment deprived public. Therein lies the greatness of my home country. We are so used to being pushed around that eventually we begin to accept everything as a ritual rather than question it.

So coming to the point of this post. I decided to spend this new year a bit differently. Yep I decided to celebrate rather than rue the fact that I am once again all alone. The place where I am headed too, no one cares for anyone else and I guess at the later stages its only this skill that will allow me to keep my sanity alive.

So late evening I made a dash to the market and bought in all the veggies, spices and the works. Got down to business after the usual early morning rituals and ended up preparing a small sadya (feast) consisting of 2 curries, 2 accompaniments, rice and of course the sweet dish. At the end I was definitely pleased with my effort to such an extent that when I finally finished the decoration, I only had the energy to take a picture of them to show my mom which too ultimately conked out since there were only 2 shots left on the roll.

anyways just in case someone comes looking this is what the sambhar (spicy indian curry pronounced as "saaa-aam-bar") looked like....

and this the more koottan ( indian curry made using yoghurt pronounced as "more-koo-taan").

Finally I concluded:

I can never be anywhere close to the league of my mom and sisters when it comes to cooking. Not that I don't know how to cook or something like that. I can whip up a decent meal in quick time and No you wont run around for a laxative to ease the matter either.

Some people are born with the skill. Just like the kids I too believe that my mom is the worlds best cook and even at this age I stand by my belief.

Gender equality matters aside WOMEN ARE BETTER COOKS. Call it skill or call it a belief doens't matter. I am yet to come across a MALE cook who can given women a run for their money and no I don't care to know the reason either.

Yeah don’t come and tell me about Jamie Oliver, sure he makes a billion bucks each day but ask a kid who he thinks is a better cook and he would yell out aloud "For christ sake, just listen and drill it into your ears, its my mom, my mom and my mom.." If my prudence serves me right, Jamie would probably be nodding his head at this point of time in agreement to the above statement.

A typical lad, I never ventured anywhere beyond the kitchen door as a kid and now as I whip up a meal I can sense my mom and the ladies I care for watching me, smiling at me, laughing and cheering me on.

sure they were disasters in disguise at the initial stages but neverthless they are proud of my effort and they know I would never let them down. That night as I sat down to eat, deep down in my thoughts I said a silent prayer. A prayer that came from my heart and I know god must have heard....

happy new year amma, ms Canada, laks, vids, tom, baby, michi, pa, sari, saji, rahna, nithya and many more. May the new year bring in all the happiness you so rightly deserve......